His eyes shined with sincerity, but my heart had an impenetrable fort guarding it.
“How do I know you won’t walk away again?” My voice was raspy.
His eyes glossed over with unshed tears as they strained to hold my gaze. “I was selfish—an idiot. A real coward. I won’t let you down again.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “What changed? What’s with the sudden change of attitude?”
He’d been so sure leaving me was the right thing to do on that beach. He’d said fear was powerful, and he was right. Standing in my doorway with him inches away, I was terrified to trust him with my heart again.
“Why should I believe you this time?” I wrapped my arms around myself as I shifted my gaze to my bare feet. “You’ve walked away from me so many times before.”
A strangled cry left his lips as his hands rested on my shoulders. “Mags, look at me, please.” His voice dripped with desperation.
I held back my own tears, eyes burning, as I locked my gaze with his.
“I love you.”
My eyes fluttered closed. The words fell from his lips like a sorrowful mourn. My heart skidded in my chest. He’d finally said it. The three magic words I’d been dying to hear. But what was love without trust? Was there even such a thing?
Ever so slowly, I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can—”
“Then don’t.” His words cut me off, and my eyes opened. His jaw had tensed, and pain was etched on his features. “My mom left my father. They’re getting a divorce, and she’s moving out. I’ll be helping her move and going to work. Other than that, I’ll be home. Take your time, and think about it. Come find me when you’ve decided. I won’t force you to give me another chance.”
My mind went blank, and words wouldn’t form.
His hands dropped to his sides. “I do love you, and if you decide to give me another chance, I won’t fuck it up again.” He slinked down the hallway, stealing glimpses over his shoulder before he was out of sight.
I stepped back inside and slammed my door, sinking to the floor with my back against it. Tears fell like a torrential downpour, so strong I couldn’t see past it. My body shuddered with the force of my sobs. I wrapped my arms around my legs and buried my face between my knees. He’d told me he loved me, and I couldn’t say anything.
I loved Luca with my whole heart, but love wasn’t enough to stop him from walking away before. How could I trust his words?
A month after returning home
I’d got home from work and collapsed on my couch as I waited for Eve and Faith to come over. Being back at work was a good distraction. I was able to throw myself into the numbers and ignore the aching in my chest. Faith and Eve had been coming over more to keep me company when I wasn’t at work, for that I was grateful. Heartbreak was making me sick. I could barely eat, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was exhausted all the fucking time.
I was still in love with him. He’d never once left my mind. It was incomprehensible. I needed him. Even though he told me he wanted to try again, I didn’t fully trust him, and it broke my heart. I connected to a part of him that others never saw. I touched the part of his soul he never wanted to give. But he’d seen the side of me I never wanted to share. He’d touched the part of my soul I couldn’t get back. I wanted him. I wanted to give him another chance.
The room turned into a blur, and the sound of my diffuser disappeared. A lone tear trickled down my cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened for the millionth time since he left. My tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. My chin trembled, and my lungs burned, scorching it’s way to my throat, forming a silent scream. I sobbed as if my heart was being shredded from the inside, and it seemed like it was. Heartbreak flowed out of every pore as I clutched my trembling hands to my chest.
A blackness came over me, and it consumed me in a blanket of coldness.
I woke up to Faith and Eve shaking me awake. I jolted upright on the couch as my senses came back to me. I inhaled and exhaled deeply as I tried to catch my breath. Nausea clawed at my throat, and I tried to force down the bile, but it was too late.
I scrambled to my feet and ran to the bathroom, Faith and Eve’s voices were barely audible as I gripped the toilet seat. Chunks of partially digested food spewed out of my mouth. My stomach kept contracting and forced everything out.
Waves of heat coursed through me and a cold sweat seeped out as tears streamed down my face. I lurched forward and sunk to my knees. The pungent stench invaded my nostrils, and I heaved even though there was nothing left.
Eve grabbed toilet paper and wiped dripping bile off my chin. Once my body stopped heaving, I leaned into her. She rubbed my back as Faith offered a glass of cold water.
I grabbed it and took small sips before even the water worked its way back up. The toilet bowl was full of a brown mush that smelled sour and hot. Faith reached forward and flushed it down as I caught my breath from the violent vomit session.
“Are you okay to stand?” Eve asked, and I nodded.
She and Faith grabbed both my arms and lifted me to my feet as they guided me to my bed. I sat on the edge of it
