"Kian? You okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I. She disowned me when I had my dad sent to jail. It's just been a while."
The words, the truth all seemed to have been another reality as he started down a hall barely focused on the signs marking one sterile hall after another.
Raine led him down one hall, up an elevator, and then as they reached a too quiet floor he froze.
"What's wrong?" Raine turned back the five steps she'd taken before noticing he hadn't kept up.
He didn't know if he couldn't move or if he didn't want to. His legs just wouldn't go any further.
"I. Why am I here?"
Raine stepped in front of him. "Your mom, she's here."
He shook his head as the scent of disinfectant stung his nose.
"No. I don't know why I came to see her. She won't want to see me."
The scent of Raine broke through the haze, pulling him back from the edge of darkness of his past, just barely.
"Kian, what’s wrong? Why wouldn't see want to see you? She called you."
He couldn't see Raine though. He couldn't forget some things. The metallic taste of blood on his lips, a memory as his father throwing the first punch, cutting Kian's lip against his teeth. Kian didn't start the fight, but he sure as hell finished it.
"Kian? Your mom. Her room should just be after this nurses station."
Reality sank in again. He couldn't hurt her. "Raine, just go."
Finally he broke out of his own head and peered down at her. Her eyes large, her mouth ajar.
"Excuse me?"
"I'm no good for you. Just go." The words seemed reflexive rather than what he really wanted to say.
Raine moved so fast, he wasn't entirely sure that she was just human. Her hand connected with his bicep and left a sting.
"You're an ass. You don't get to tell me if you are or aren't good for me."
"Raine-"
"No, you don't get to talk. Maybe you should let me make my own choices. Maybe I should get a say in who is good for me," Raine practically yelled.
His body quaked at the anger within him, the pain of losing her, and the frustration that this moment made him no better than his dad. Kian's voice rasped out, "just go."
Her face set, determination plan on her features, she walked forward and placed her hand on his chest. She pushed him over the edge as her lowered voice pummeled the raw edges of his own emotions.
"Maybe you aren't good for me, Kian, but maybe I'm not looking to be saved. Maybe I am good for you."
He felt his beast calm at her touch. His cougar practically curled up and fell asleep. Too bad the man wasn't so easily dissuaded. The moment her hand fell away, the calm disappeared into the eye of his storm.
"This isn't about me. Just go. Please. I don't want you to see her. To see with your own eyes what loving someone like me gets you," Kian choked out each word.
Kian could hear the constant beep of the machines down the halls. So many damn sounds. So many memories of when he was here the last time. The scent drowning. Sickly sour pain and death thick in the air. Too many sounds. Too much. Breathing. How could he breath. He couldn't protect his mom. He couldn't stop a bastard from hurting her and what would stop him from turning out just like his dad.
He backed away from Raine. His vision blurred as his body fought between being human and being animal. Pain didn't mean the same thing as an animal. Life was based on need. He needed that release. He needed to not feel.
Raine came into focus as he fought to control his urges. Panic made him scan for the exit and the look on her face knocked the wind out of him. He prayed she'd lose it and walk away, because at that moment he didn't think he could walk away from her. She needed to know the truth though. There was no saving him. There was no saving his mom. She'd bought into his father and couldn't seem to figure out how to get out.
He wouldn't allow Raine to make the same mistake. He would keep her safe like Kian had tried to keep his mother safe. The difference was he could keep her away from him. He wouldn't chase her. He wouldn't hurt her like his father kept coming back to do.
"Kian. Don't. Don't push me away. I don't understand."
Her eyes glistened behind unshed tears.
"My father did this. He put my mom here."
She took a step forward and he took a step to the side. He couldn't let her back in or he wouldn't make it. He wouldn't be able to ensure she was safe.
"So? That's your father. Not you," she said.
"Raine. Don't you get it?"
"No. I don't. You aren't your father. You wouldn't hurt anyone."
A flash of the guy he'd knocked out a few days okay during a street fight ring entered his mind. He'd barely been able to stop himself from killing the bear-shifter.
"You're wrong. I am exactly like him. Please just go. It was a mistake to bring you here. It was a mistake to ask for Gerri's help. Everything was a mistake."
The color drained from her face at his last words. All emotion gone as her features hardened.
"I was a mistake? That’s all you had to say."
Before he could figure out what to say next she was gone.
Numbing emptiness filled him as he turned towards his mother’s room. As if he passed through a thick fog he rounded her bed. A woman nearly unrecognizable under the bandages was all that greeted him.
"Mom?"
An angry lump on her face tried to move, he could barely make out her eye.
A voice so small, Kian wouldn't have been able to hear it had he not been a shifter.
"Kian? Is that you?"
Autopilot had him responding. "Yes
