“I can’t make that promise, little bird. One can never have too many crowns.” I pull her into my arms. “Please be careful. Come back home in one piece. I love you.” I kiss the top of her head as her arms squeeze me tighter.
“Stop worrying about me. We only live once.”
I watch her leave and a twinge of pain shoots through my chest. She’s all I have. If anything happens to her, it’ll be the end of me. Since I know how much I love Juliana, I can only imagine how much Mom’s diagnosis broke her heart, for us more than for herself.
“Uncle Rod, I’m waiting.” The little girl’s singsong voice pulls me from the dark thoughts in my mind before they take over completely.
“I’m coming, Princess Isabelle, with hot tea in hand. I hope you’re hungry because we have a lot of sandwiches and scones to eat today.”
Juliana came back in the late afternoon, looking exhausted and pale with a hint of green tinge. The lethal cocktail of medications is already working on the cancerous cells in her body, but since they can’t tell the difference between good and bad, they wipe out everything.
Knowing she didn’t feel well enough to eat a big dinner, I made soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for us. She ate, slowly and meticulously, but the food at least gave her a little more energy than she had when she got home.
“You relax. I’ll throw the munchkin in the bathtub and read her a story before bed. Then when I come back down, you can give me the condensed version of everything you’ve been hiding from me.”
“Thank you. I appreciate the help.”
Her not arguing with me confirms she feels much worse than she’s saying. Every horrible thought about her illness and her future fly through my mind as I carry Isabelle up the stairs, thrown over my shoulder, with her laughing and squealing like any other five-year-old.
Exactly the way I want her to stay as long as possible. She deserves the best carefree childhood we can give her. The one Juliana and I never had.
After a bath complete with bubbles, toys, and drenching Uncle Rod, Isabelle kisses her mom goodnight before bedtime. She convinces me to read her two stories, but she’s sound asleep before we’re halfway through the second one. I place a gentle kiss on her forehead and leave her door slightly ajar on my way out.
Juliana is lying on the couch with her arms held tightly against her body when I walk in the den, so I grab a blanket and cover her.
“Let’s hear it.” I purposely keep my voice low and neutral. No sense in shaming or guilting her.
“It’s acute lymphoblastic leukemia. I found out about three weeks ago. I just started the chemotherapy protocol. This round lasts four weeks.”
“And then?”
“And then, they’ll tell me if I’m in remission or not. But for the next four weeks, I’ll need your help with Isabelle. These drugs will kick my ass, and I may be in the hospital for part of that time because it’ll kill my immune system.”
“You know I’ll do whatever you need me to do. There’s no question about that. Why didn’t you tell me you suspected the cancer had returned?”
“Because I had no idea it had. I had heavy periods and terrible headaches, and I just felt tired a lot. I thought the doctor would change my birth control pills or put me on iron supplements. This diagnosis caught me completely off guard. Really, I haven’t stopped long enough to deal with it yet. I’m only doing what I have to do to stay alive, one day at a time.”
“You and Isabelle can move in with me until you’re completely well. I’ll take care of both of you. If the doctor needs to admit you, all of Isabelle’s things will be here for her. Maybe that’ll make the changes a little less of a shock to her system. If you’re not inpatient, I’ll get to spend more time with you. Plus, I can work from home whenever you need me here.”
“Okay, Rod, you’ve convinced me. You don’t have to keep going with your arguments. You win, I lose.” A small smile plays on her lips, but she doesn’t seem to have the energy for a full one.
“You probably should go to bed now, too. I’ll take care of all the logistics in the morning—packing clothes, forwarding mail, whatever else you need me to do.”
She pushes up from the couch and heads for the stairs. When she reaches for the rail, she looks at me. “You are the best big brother in the world, Rod. You’ve taken care of me my entire life, even though it cost your childhood. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you.”
Her declaration takes me aback and makes me feel guilty for all the times I resented not being footloose and carefree during my teenage years. Not that I ever let her know I had those thoughts of betrayal and resentment because of our situation. It wasn’t as if she asked for the perfect storm of a fucked-up life.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you too, little bird.”
She climbs the steps, each one taking more of a toll on what’s left of her energy than the last. I watch with my heart in my mouth as she reaches her bedroom door, holding on to the doorframe to steady herself.
“I don’t know what I’d without you, Juliana. You can’t ever leave me.” My whispered words are out in the universe.
I hope someone is listening.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Daisy
Two weeks later
The first day in my new teaching position has been nerve-racking. Not because of the students, since I haven’t even made it to my classroom yet. I’ve been in the office all morning trying to sort out my employment paperwork. Somewhere between leaving my previous school, moving from a small town
