I walk past a small convenience store, the door wide open, mops, small children’s toys, and slippers arranged outside for purchase.
The bus stop is still about half a block away when I feel the whoosh of wind from the B1 passing me. I pick up my speed, feeling relieved for once at the line of people crowding around to get on. Just as the last person heads inside, I step onto the bus and insert my MetroCard into the slot. The small card is pulled from my hand, sucked into the machine, then quickly reappears so I can remove it.
I walk down the aisle, my head down, and head to an empty back corner of the bus. I sit in the seat right above the wheel that every MTA traveler hates because the bumps are more intense.
Kingsborough Community College is around twenty minutes from the stop where I got on, and it’s the last stop for this route. Most of the passengers have already gotten off, and all that’s left are what I assume to be students making their way to classes.
The bus driver announces it’s the last stop, and I don’t move until every person has exited the bus. I step out into the warm air, where a huge stone arch is in front of me with Kingsborough Community College carved into the concrete.
Trees line the entrance as you pass through the arch, with little benches scattered along the grass. Further ahead are brick buildings spread out to make up the different parts of the campus.
From here, I can spot the enormous library that sits at the center of the campus. Tall steps lead up to the huge doors. Some buildings on this campus seem to connect through glass hallways, but not the library. That stands alone. Just like I am right now.
Standing. Alone.
I park my behind on a bench not too far from the campus entrance-- easier escape route--and watch all of the students laugh and smile and just… live. I’m sitting here, minding my own business... breathing the same air as these complete strangers, imagining what my life would be like if I was them.
My original reason for coming here goes out the window as I begin to play games on my phone. Before I know it, I look at the time and realize I’ve been sitting here for two hours. Two hours just sitting on this bench, staring at what college life could look like for me. The bench was mostly secluded in a low traffic area, but some people did walk by.
One person even sat next to me for a bit. I was so engrossed in my phone that I didn’t notice a woman having lunch right next to me. It wasn’t until she got up to leave that I lifted my head and realized she was there.
I decide to explore a bit, so I head towards the center of the campus.
Walking past a large water fountain, I notice a paved walkway. It’s uphill, so there are flat, wide steps leading up. I approach the hill and take the steps all the way up until large glass doors and windows come into view. As I walk closer, I see signs of life behind the barrier.
Students walk past each other, and there’s lines of people all over holding trays both empty and with food on them. I step to the window and shield my eyes from the sun to press close to the glass and peek inside at the cafeteria.
Suddenly, the door next to me swings open, startling me. I immediately stand at attention, trying to play it cool. Two guys with trays of food make their way behind the building, talking and laughing.
I follow behind them, curious as to where they’re going.
As I turn the building’s corner, two girls walk by, talking about what they’re wearing to a party on Friday. I scan the outdoor dining area and think about what my life would have been like if I had just accepted Milla’s invitation to a party at least once.
Maybe I could have met a cute boy. Maybe I could have made another friend.
I notice a couple sitting on a bench directly across from me, testing each other with index cards. The girl screams in delight as she clearly gets the correct answer. The guy cheers and leans over, grabbing her cheeks and giving her a proud kiss on the forehead.
That sweet exchange is all it takes for me to fall back into my doubt and hightail my ass out of there.
Their smiles were a brutal reminder of how my life was void of anything so genuine. No one has ever looked at me like I held up the sun and brightened their whole day. And I knew, even more clearly in that moment, that no one ever will.
◆◆◆
I aimlessly walk around the streets, moving away from the campus. A couple passes me in the street, holding hands. The girlfriend is much shorter than her partner, and she reaches up to pop the large bubble her boyfriend formed with his gum. They laugh, and he tickles her sides.
This playful encounter has me thinking about Camilla and Shane.
They’re the only two people I want to maintain a friendship with. Shane began to look out for me at the end of high school after he saw first-hand how his idiot group of jock friends and female groupies were actually treating me.
After he put them in their place, he told Camilla. And believe it or not, their friends left me alone for the most part. They took off after graduation, but we’ve kept in touch through texts and video calls. I even see them during the holidays.
After about twenty minutes, my phone rings. It’s obviously my best friend since nobody else calls me. I pick up and prepare myself for the whirlwind that is Camilla Santiago.
“Hi, bitch! What level of ‘fuck off’ did you reach today?!” Milla is well-versed in all my levels of
