Then today, I discovered I still had one picture and over tea with my mom I showed her a photo of the mother dog on my cell phone and asked her if she remembered and how sad it was that so much has been taken. She told me that, just three weeks before, the breeder had called to say that there was a dog for me. My mom explained the situation to her and told her that it was not going to happen. I can only thank that lady for showing me such grace by granting me my wish.
My mom said to me it would’ve made the current situation more difficult. As tears were trickling down my face, I told her that I had made that decision long ago and was not sad because I couldn’t get it. It was once again the story of my life. I tried to find love and a coping mechanism and it’s taken from me.
I think I am rational and mature enough and that’s why I knew when I returned from the obstruction and with arm surgery imminent that there was no way that I could look after and be responsible for that beautiful dog. If only people thought before they just had kids, one after the next, without considering the current situation and the future.
Monday, 3 August 2009 3:43 PM
I remember being in a room with the guys getting dressed for golf one day and them seeing me change in the morning, and this one guy was on about how ugly my body was. Now I wonder what they would say now; it’s been soooooo much more raped by this disease since then.
This was the first year I played in the Under-15 team. Also in the first year this guy had a stack of erotic magazines and they kept on saying to me that night, “Come, Schoonie, come look”, cat-calling my name and making fun of the fact that I would not look at the magazines.
For me it was not an option or choice. I had no urge and no desire to look at those books.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 7:20 PM
It is noteworthy that this email was written by Craig a few weeks before ending his life and yet he uses words such as “stable”, “connected”, “peace”, “sound mind”, and “rational”.
Emotionally, I have never in my life been more stable than I am at present.
Spiritually, I have never in my life been so connected and at peace with my God as I have been for the last while.
Psychologically, I am of sound mind (which many will confirm) as well as completely rational.
It is sick to expect anybody to carry on accepting, adapting to being operated on and for there still to be no cure. We live in an age where we do all sorts of things but science can’t benefit me.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009 3:25 PM
Lately my dad has been “pecking” me on the head when we say goodnight. When I am lying on my right side in bed and it is my left side of my head that he pecks I feel virtually nothing. It is numb along there because of the fibroma that was removed along the nerve that runs on that side. There are more fibromas also growing in the same area.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009 3:42 PM
I want to say to mothers who say when they read the book: “How could this child do this to his mother?” – I want to say to them what I have already said earlier: That the greatest love is to love somebody so much that you are prepared to let go. This cannot really be understood as our love and situation is totally different.
When I go through all the pain and operations and new fibroma growths, and emotional trauma, when I live my days with this incurable disease that has affected me GREATLY, it violently rapes and destroys my mom’s heart, spirit, mind, body, soul, life, present, past, future, child, purpose, reason. I could go on and on and on and on but I shall refrain.
Those words could NEVER illustrate how destructive this force is.
It has taken a while, but my mom looks back now on my past, my present and future and knows that this is the right decision that her son has made.
Another thought: My mom has been using the perfume “Angel” for the longest time… Not only is the name applicable to her because it is what she is to me, but it smells so different on her from others who wear it. Her skin was created for it. It brings me much comfort. When I am sick I ask my mom to spray some on my pillow.
Thursday, 6 August 2009 7:13 PM
Many people may think I should be booked into an institution when they hear that I have a suicide plan if Dignitas has not got back to me. The thing is that I am totally in control. And it would be insane to expect me to endure this kind of torture for much longer.
Sometimes the best thing people can do is to do nothing, just to quietly support… People naturally want to call and visit and give time and counsel and suggest you do this and that.
My mom and I are much the same in this regard, we like to be quiet by ourselves or have the very close friends around, people who totally “get” us and how we function. Some of the things they think are best for us are exactly that: what they think. Only we know what we really need, if we are totally in touch with our true self. I accept that they do things with
