“I’m happy to go to Cas, I didn’t feel comfortable there either,” I said. I didn't like the way he would stare at me, but I didn't tell her that. We hopped onto the subway and made our way downtown. I zipped up my leather jacket and tied my docs when all of a sudden Cas started laughing.
“What is so funny? You do realize that we are homeless now don't you?” I questioned her.
“Yeah I know, but I have a great idea. You should dye your hair black and I think I want to be a redhead,” she said, like it was our biggest problem right now. I began to smile, then laughed, a loud crazy cathartic laugh. People began to move away from us as Cas joined me in my uncontrollable fit of laughter.
Once we stepped off the subway Cas led me into a drug store. She stole some money from Mike before we left. I watch her as she buys the hair dye and some cigarettes. I light one as she tells me she knows where we should go to do it.
“The bus station?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “Are we going somewhere?” I asked, confused.
“No silly, there are sinks and hand dryers in the bathroom. It’s the perfect place to dye our hair,” she said. I’m not sure why she is fixed on changing our looks but I decide to go with it. It’s a new year, why not a new look.
We must have appeared insane, coloring each other's hair in the public bathroom, then sitting in the station, waiting for the dye to set. Cas had piled all my hair on the top of my head. I just prayed it would be midnight black without any traces of green. I've heard horror stories of trying to change your hair color after going bleach blonde. She had picked a deep dark red for herself.
“That color is going to look amazing on you Cas,” I told her. She smiled at me, like she really needed to hear it. We continued the charade, of being just a couple of girls coloring their hair, joking and laughing together. In the backs of our minds we both knew we had to find somewhere to sleep that night.
I laughed as people tried to avoid us when we began rinsing in the tiny sinks. I caught sight of the security guard a few times watching us, but he didn’t say anything. It took us about half an hour to dry it, going out into the cold with wet hair would not be good. We had to keep hitting the dryer button which made the process take even longer. Time didn’t matter though, we had nowhere to go anyway. Once my hair finally felt dry I combed it out. I now have long, straight midnight black hair. I liked it actually.
“Black heart black hair,” I said to my reflection in the mirror.
“Scar, that’s not true. You loved Buddy remember and you love me,” she said as she combed her red hair. I applied my red lipstick and put on my black leather jacket. I did love Buddy, I still love him. I try to block out the memory of his serious, deep beautiful eyes searching mine. Why couldn’t he find what he was looking for in them? Because I’m vacant. I wanted nothing more than to love him, but what have I done. I have pushed him as far away from me as possible. I have given away what should have been his. ‘Black heart black hair,’ I mumbled as I wiped away my tears.
“I need a drink,” I sighed, as we linked arms and walked out of the bus station together.
“There’s a shelter downtown, I saw a poster up in the station. I guess it couldn’t hurt for a few days. At least we’re free of men Scar,” she said with a laugh.
I didn’t expect there to be so many people inside or for it to smell so bad. Body odor mixed with a hint of urine seemed to filter throughout the room. It was cold outside so I guess no one wanted to remain outside tonight. I had to step over bodies to get to the bathroom. That night was one of the hardest I have had since I left home. Because we were new we had to sleep on the floor. There was a long waiting list for beds. Thankfully we were given a blanket each.
I tried to sleep but the later it became the more awake I grew. All around me people seemed to be making noises. Some were arguing, some were crying, some were moaning and I didn’t want to know why. I think I even heard a strange voice whispering my name. I was too afraid to sleep. I reached into my backpack and pulled out my journal. In the streetlight shining through the windows I searched for Buddy’s address. Tracing my finger over the page, I remembered the night I wrote it there. Buddy had just asked me to go home with him. I smiled as he told me his address. I wrote it out in the car as I tried to memorize it, just in case the border patrol asked. I had been so nervous. I thought I would be detained until my parents arrived. I was so relieved when he let us pass. I had wanted to hug Buddy then but I restrained myself. Why did I restrain myself from him so much?
All I wanted to do was hop on a bus to Buffalo. I looked over at Cas, who appeared to be sleeping and realized I couldn’t leave her here alone. I couldn’t bring her to Buddy’s with me either. I wouldn’t expect him to take us both
