I cried as I clutched the journal to my chest. The idea of Buddy turning me away was worse than any nightmare I could ever have. What made me think he would take me back now. I’m a shell of my former self, I’ve lost about fifteen pounds and I was pretty tiny to begin with. I’m shaking because I haven’t had enough to drink today. I’ve picked cigarette butts up off the ground to get my nicotine fix. I’ve given my body away. That alone would make Buddy slam the door in my face. He had held me so close and kissed me so deeply but he never tried to take more than he thought I could give, yet in the last seven months I’ve given it all away for nothing. I have to hold on to his love, at least in my mind and in my heart. I cannot risk the chance of hearing him refuse me. That was my resolve for not running to him, as much as I wanted too. I was ashamed of myself and I didn’t want Buddy to see me like this.
The next morning, Cas and I sat outside, having a smoke when we met a girl named Lily. “I like your stockings,” I told her as she walked by us. I caught her eye and she quickly turned and sat down beside me. “Thanks,” she said with a big bright smile. She had pale white almost porcelain skin with dark eyes. She wore a similar shade of red lipstick as mine and her short spiky hair was midnight black. It was her black and white striped stockings that had caught my attention and I loved her black ballerina skirt. It was a cool feminine touch when matched with her black leather jacket and lip piercing. She looked like so much fun.
“I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?” she asked.
“Yeah, you could say that. Just made it through our first night,” I told her.
“I don’t sleep at the shelter at night, I only stay here during the day to get a few meals,” she said as she lit a smoke.
“Where do you sleep then?” I asked her, feeling exhausted after last night’s ordeal.
“There’s an abandoned apartment above one of the stores. It’s easy to climb the outside staircase and crawl in through an unlocked window. It’s not the best but it’s actually pretty warm from the store below and it has a roof. It's a lot quieter too. I’m not supposed to talk about it but you two look cool,” she said winking at us.
“Awe, thanks Lily,” Cas grinned.
“Can you come get us tonight. I’d like to try it. I couldn’t sleep at all last night,” I asked her, trying not to sound too whiny.
“Yeah, no problem,” she smiled.
We ended up spending the day together. She’s been living on the streets for almost a year now. Cas and I followed her to one of the parks. She walked over to a group of skinheads. We stayed back, lighting a smoke while a homeless man fed the pigeons beside us. The sun was shining and the wind had died down. It was okay to be outside for a while, which was a relief. I couldn't stand being inside the shelter. I walked away from Cas and looked up at one of the sculptures. Staring at the cut stone I was startled when an old man walked around the other side. He had a dirty black robe on and held a bag of bird food in his hand. I glanced back and saw Cas sitting on a bench. The man feeding the pigeons was standing in front of me. I took a step back when I heard him say my name.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“Scarlett Jones, be careful out here. You are being watched. People are not who you think they are, the demons dwell inside them. Stay protected, watch your back and remember, you have been chosen,” he slurred.
“How do you know my name?” I demanded. His yellow fingers reached into the bag of feed and he threw the seeds down. A flock of pigeons surrounded him as he laughed. Lily came bounding toward me.
“Scarlett, come on. I have something for you. Put your cigarette out,” she ordered as I looked at her then back to the homeless man, but he was gone. I caught Lily looking in his direction as well, but she didn't say anything. She placed her arm around my shoulder and led me back towards Cas.
“Put those out, I got us something better, girls,” she said with a smirk as she lit a joint.
“Did I happen to mention that I love you Lily,” I squealed, completely forgetting about the old man as she handed it to me.
“I thought you might,” she said laughing.
“This just makes me feel so much better, you have no idea,” I said, inhaling deeply before passing it to Cas but Lily intervened. She lit a different one and handed it to Cas. I thought it strange but didn't question her generosity.
“I’ll have another special treat for you in the morning, as long as you can wake up early enough,” she grinned. We strolled back to the shelter together, laughing but starving. Once dinner was announced, we stood in line, waiting for our portions. I had trouble holding my tray because my hands kept shaking. The lady that handed me my soup noticed. She gave me extra napkins. “Thanks,” I said sarcastically.
An older guy sat down beside me at the table. He looked as though he had spent many years outside
