When Ryan would come home he would usually find me on the sofa watching some horror movie with one of his goth roomies or listening to music and dancing to The Cure. Ryan would flip me over his shoulder and carry me upstairs as though I was some prey he just hunted down. I would kick and scream but he would just smack my ass. I liked him though. I liked the way he would make me laugh. I liked the way he told me he needed me. I didn’t like the way I believed him.
He would stay up with me after he had his way and snuggle me close to him. He had his bed set up against the window so we could look out at the stars. I would always think of Buddy when I looked out into the night sky, wishing it was him holding me. I would often wonder if he was on his roof looking up into his bright sky for a star. I began to cry myself to sleep again, still telling myself there was no way he would want me back again, ever.
When I dared to look in the mirror, I was always disgusted by my appearance. My eyes had sunken in and were constantly rimmed in black. I would cover my face in a pale foundation because my skin was a mess. Jasper was one of the roomies in the house and he became a good friend to me. I liked hanging out with him when Ryan wasn't home. He had dyed his hair midnight black as well. I thought we looked cute together.
“Can I paint your nails Scarlett?" Jasper asked me one night, when we're watching The Exorcist.
"Yeah," I said as I placed my hands in his. He liked to doll me up in the evenings. He shared his red lipstick with me as mine had disappeared on my travels. He would paint my toenails black or dark purple as we listened to New Order and Skinny Puppy. He taught me how to wear black eyeliner the way Cleopatra had. Sometimes I would do a line of coke with him then I’d strip down to my black lace bra and panties and he would flip the furniture over as we jumped around lip syncing to Angel of Harlem or Like A Virgin. I would laugh and sing till my throat hurt.
I had left Ryan’s house to spend a few nights with Cas. I just wanted to catch up with her and I needed a break from Ryan and Jasper. When I went back to Ryan’s two nights later, the house was dark. No one seemed to be home. I walked quietly up to our bedroom and opened the door slowly. I glanced at the bed and saw Ryan, wrapped in a blanket. I listened as I heard him moan. I thought he was hurt or sick. I turned on the lamp and he jerked back, shocked to see me. Just as he did this a girl's head popped up from beneath the blanket. It was my turn to jump back.
“Who the hell is this?” I shouted at him. He stood up and ran to me, naked. I jumped back from him, my hands up.
“Get away from me, don’t touch me,” I warned him. I thanked god in that moment that he always used condoms, I couldn’t imagine how many times he may have cheated on me and who knows with what kind of girl.
“But Scar, I love you, don’t go. I’m sorry,” he begged. I could hear the girl sobbing, muttering ‘what about me Ryan.’ I knew that she should shut up soon. Ryan had a quick temper. I glared at her, hoping to silence her.
I stuffed my clothes into my backpack. Grabbing my cigarettes, I looked back to Ryan, who had thrown on his jeans with the rips that I used to like, but I realized then that I only liked them because they reminded me of Buddy’s jeans. I felt sick now as I glared at him. He was just a womanizer that I thought I might love someday. I held back my tears as he stood in front of me.
“Take care Ryan,” I said as I turned to leave.
“Scarlett , no, please. I’m sorry,” he yelled as he followed me. I ran down the stairs and out the front door, into the dark, cold, lonely night. I heard breaking glass behind me. I began to run faster down the street.
“Good luck bitch,” I shouted as I glanced back at his house.
I had no idea where I was going to go now. I lit a cigarette, wishing I had something to dull the pain and fill the empty space in my chest. I laughed as I realized I was homeless again. The last time I went home my dad almost beat me to a bloody pulp. I’m not going back there again. I can’t go to Cas. She’s settled in with her new boyfriend. She’d leave him for me, this I knew. I’ve already had her runaway with me before, I can’t do that again. I realize I’m close to my aunt’s house. Maybe she’ll take me in for the night. I hear rock music, White Lion I think coming from her apartment. I knock and she swings the door open, shocked to see me. She has a few guys over.
“Is this a bad time?” I asked as she invited me in.
“Of course not, come on in. Have a drink,” she slurs. I can see that she’s been drinking for a while. I’m feeling a little awkward. I swing back three shots of vodka consecutively.
“Do you mind if I crash, just for the night? Man troubles tonight,” I laugh. She walks over and hugs me.
“Men are scum,” she whispers, then turns to one of her
