“It’s taken me a long time to admit it, but it wasn’t Sam’s fault. He was only five at the time. Barely old enough to understand what he was doing,” he said with a heavy sigh.
“Have you told Sam that?” she asked.
Jesse went very still, his mind frozen in thought. No, he hadn’t. But maybe he should.
“Perhaps that’s why Sam doesn’t speak,” she said. “Because he blames himself, just like you do. You know, your vadder was too stern with you but you don’t have to be that way with Sam. You’re not your vadder. You are your own man. A gut man of Gott.”
He didn’t know what to say. No, he wasn’t his father. He could be different. He could be a better man. Couldn’t he? But he sure didn’t feel like a good man. Not in a very long time.
He looked at her, thinking he shouldn’t have told her so many personal things. He’d laid his heart bare. As he gazed into her eyes, he felt locked there. Mesmerized by the deep blue of her beautiful eyes. And before he knew what was happening, he leaned close and kissed her. A soft, gentle caress that made him feel alive and happy for a brief moment in time.
She breathed his name on a sigh and lifted her hand to place it against his chest. Her palm felt warm and he wished they could stay like that forever. But the contact was like lightning and he jerked away.
“I... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken liberties. I apologize for my actions,” he said.
She looked away, her cheeks filled with heightened color. “I’m sorry too. I know how much you love your wife.”
He came to his feet, glancing around to discover if anyone had seen his shameful actions. Thankfully, no one seemed to have noticed...except for Sam. The boy stood beside the creek a short distance away, his eyes wide with confusion. And suddenly, Jesse felt as if he and his son were the only two people there. For several long, pounding moments, Sam just looked at his father. And then, the child turned and ran to the back of the schoolhouse where Jesse couldn’t see him anymore.
Oh, no! What had Jesse done? He felt the familiar weight of guilt settling inside his chest again. No doubt, he had upset Sam with his actions. After all, Becca wasn’t the boy’s mother. And he couldn’t believe he’d been so disloyal to Alice. Why had he kissed Becca? She wasn’t the love of his life. She wasn’t his wife and never could be.
“I... I think I had better go and check on Sam. Danke for the delicious supper,” he said, turning away.
Becca stopped him, coming to her feet as she handed him a pie tin of peach cobbler. He caught the sweet aroma of sugar and cinnamon. The oatmeal crust looked golden, bubbly and cooked to perfection.
“Here, take this with you. You paid a steep price and should have all of your meal. I hope you and Sam enjoy it,” she said.
He took the plate, holding it with both hands. Feeling numb and empty inside. And as he walked away, he knew he had another huge problem on his hands. One that he’d never thought would trouble him again for as long as he lived.
He was in love with Becca Graber. In spite of fighting his own emotions, he knew it with every fiber of his being. She was like a breath of fresh air after being locked inside a cave for a year. And yet, he couldn’t act on it. Never again. Because his devotion to Sam and Alice must come first. He couldn’t betray his sweet wife’s memory by loving someone else. Nor could he disappoint Sam, who was still missing his mother. Not after all that had happened. No doubt the boy saw this as a betrayal to his mother. Jesse felt the same way and was disgusted by his actions. He could never let down his guard with Becca again. No sir, not ever.
Chapter Thirteen
The following week, Becca returned to Jesse’s house to tutor Sam as usual. Except this time, she felt more cautious than ever. Jesse had kissed her, or she had kissed him, she wasn’t sure which. She was certain of one thing. It had been a mistake. Jesse still loved his wife and Becca had chosen a career in teaching. She wasn’t about to be sidetracked. Vernon had played with her emotions often enough, holding her hand and declaring his love just days before he’d ended their engagement. It had all been a lie. He’d been leading her on for over a year because he didn’t know how to break things off with her. And all that time, she’d allowed herself to believe he really cared. But after she’d learned the truth, she’d promised herself she’d never fall into that kind of trap again. She couldn’t trust men to be honest with her. It was that simple.
On the ride to Jesse’s farm, Sam didn’t speak. He frowned and wouldn’t meet her gaze. After witnessing his father kissing her and then running away, she feared he might not like her anymore. He’d been overly withdrawn at school all day and she thought he must be angry with her. And she couldn’t blame him. No doubt he thought she was trying to usurp his mother’s place. Because he didn’t talk a lot, she dreaded asking him about it. Since she’d be leaving town soon, it didn’t really matter but she’d rather part as friends.
“Are you ready for your lessons?” she asked as they climbed out of her buggy and she carried her book bag up the steps. She was trying to act normal.
He nodded and opened the door so she could come inside. The kitchen looked orderly, no dirty dishes in the sink. There was nothing cooking on the stove for supper but it was early yet.
“I
