Though her heart was racing, she calmly stepped over to Lenore Schwartz, the eldest girl in the school, and gently squeezed her arm as she made her request.
“Keep things going. I’ll be right back,” she whispered.
Lenore nodded stoically and Becca knew she could depend on her. After all, the girl had helped with most of the program and knew it by heart too.
Brushing past the gawking parents, Becca hurried outside to search for Sam and Jesse. She didn’t know what she could do to help, but she had to try.
Out of her peripheral vision, she saw the flash of movement heading back toward the horse barn and followed quickly. One thought clogged her mind. The school board hadn’t reprimanded her in any way or indicated they weren’t pleased with her performance but she feared she wasn’t going to get a good teacher recommendation now. Not after this. Coupled with the bishop finding her at Jesse’s house when she was tutoring Sam, she figured the mistakes of the program might be the final nail in her coffin. And she dreaded returning to Ohio without any future employment options.
No! She mustn’t think like that. She’d promised herself and the Lord that she would have faith. She was determined to put her trust in Gott.
“I... I’m sorry, Daed. It’s all my fault.”
She slowed, recognizing Sam’s voice. The words were spoken quite loudly. Not in Sam’s normally quiet, shy whisper. No, these were the words of a child filled with despair.
She glanced around the corner of the horse barn and saw Jesse sitting on a tree stump. His back was turned toward her as he pulled Sam onto his lap and held the boy close to his chest as he rocked him in his arms.
“Shh, don’t be so upset. Everything’s going to be all right now,” Jesse said.
“I-I-I’m so sorry,” Sam wailed over and over again.
Becca blinked in surprise. Sam had spoken to her several times in a pitiful whisper but he never spoke to his father. Not once since she’d known them. Now, it seemed as if the dam had finally shattered and the boy couldn’t be quieted.
“It’s all right. It’s not your fault,” Jesse soothed.
Becca realized they weren’t talking about the school program at all. They were talking about the house fire. They were talking about guilt.
Pressing her spine against the rough timber of the barn wall, Becca clenched her eyes closed and didn’t fight her own tears. She didn’t want to interfere. Not now. She was too bold. Too outspoken for a proper Amish girl. That was one reason Vernon didn’t want to marry her. As long as Jesse was being kind to Sam, she wanted to leave them alone. She’d said too much already. But she couldn’t leave either. And so, she stayed where she was and listened to their mournful conversation.
“I... I didn’t mean to kill Mamm and Mary and Susanna,” Sam sniffled.
Jesse snorted. “You didn’t kill them. You didn’t.”
“Ja, I did.” The boy groaned and then he spoke in a frenzied rush, as if he were reliving what had happened all over again. “You were gone that night, fighting fire for someone else. I was the man of the house. It was my responsibility to make sure the chores were done and everyone was safe in bed. On my way out to the barn, I found Susanna playing with matches. I got after her and told her to put them away. She said she would and I went outside. I milked the cows all by myself and put the cans in the well house. But when I returned to the house, I saw smoke and flames through the kitchen window. I tried to run inside but it was too hot. I... I couldn’t get to them. I heard Mamm upstairs screaming for Mary but she couldn’t find her. Or Susanna either. And then, before I knew what was happening, the roof caved in. It was awful...”
Sam’s words trailed off on a muffled sob. Becca pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle her own tears. In her mind’s eye, she could imagine everything Sam had described. The horror of that night seemed all too real when she considered what Jesse and Sam had lost.
“Ach, listen to me, sohn.” Jesse spoke gently, his voice firm. “The fire wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. And losing your mamm and schweschdere wasn’t your fault either. It was no one’s fault. It was a terrible accident, that’s all.”
“But why did Gott let it happen?” Sam asked, his voice trembling.
“Because He gives us our free agency to act, even if it means there might be bad consequences. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. I want you to let it go now. I want you to be happy, not sad. It’s time we both let it go,” Jesse said.
“But... I miss Susanna and Mary,” Sam sniffled, his words so pitiful that it broke Becca’s heart.
“I know, sohn. I do too. So very much.”
“And I miss Mamm. I wish she’d come back and we could be a familye again.”
“I do too. More than anything else in the world. No one can ever replace her in our lives or in our hearts. We’ll never love anyone the way we loved her,” Jesse said.
Becca turned away, her heart wrenching. She couldn’t listen to any more. She stumbled away, heading toward the school. She bit her bottom lip, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. All of a sudden everything made perfect sense. No wonder Sam had run off when he’d seen Jesse kiss her. No wonder the boy seemed offish toward her that last day when she went over to his house to tutor him. And then, he had raced out of the school during the end-of-year program. Not only did he blame himself for his mother and sisters’ deaths but he thought Becca was trying to take their place. She should have realized it early on but she’d been blinded
