Then Sanders comes tumbling into the room and I smile for you. For him.
I don’t know if I can do this without you. I’m not strong enough. I thought it would start to get easier but it hasn’t. It hurts more every day, in different ways. Sometimes I feel so angry I think I’m going to burn something to the ground. Some days I’m sure I won’t be able to get out of bed ever again.
I stopped reading when the words blurred in front of me. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt, feeling such intense pain. A physical blade. Sharp enough to cut me into pieces.
I grabbed a different letter and forced myself to read on. No more running. Just confronting this pain head-on. This one was dated a few years later, also on her birthday.
I know it’s silly to write these letters to you. I look forward to it now. It reminds me of when I was your Farmer Charmer trying to court you and I had to sneak letters past your dad. I felt like I was able to be myself more in those letters. Talk more freely than I could in person. I hope Sanders isn’t afraid to share his feelings. I try to impress on him that it’s okay to feel things and not hold on to them. Sometimes he seems so okay and other times I know he’s hurting. He feels so deeply. He’s such a sweet and strong boy, that kiddo of ours. You wouldn’t believe how he’s grown.
Skip lives with us now too. I couldn’t see the bruises anymore and stand by. That poor boy. I went to his good-for-nothing father’s house…
I read on and on. Letter after letter as my body shook with sobs I tried to hold back. I had to stop several times to blow my nose and take a few deep breaths.
I never knew he felt so much. I never knew he hurt so bad. He had tried so hard to be strong for me. He loved her so much. It never weakened. It never stopped. I understood that he had been trying to teach me to accept the pain as it came, not to run from it.
Boy, was my new therapist going to have a lot to unpack with me next week.
I don’t think I’ll ever love again. At least now how I love you. I think a lot about the first time I saw you. You never believed me but I knew it the moment I saw you. I knew that if I didn’t get your name, I’d go crazy. I was a stupid American and you were way too good for me but I took a chance. And then I never let you go. I wasn’t the smartest. I wasn’t the most handsome. But I had something none of those other fellas had: a secret weapon. I knew, without a doubt nobody would ever love you as much as I did. It was that simple for me.
I know we fought. I know times were hard. Sanders never slept as a baby (already worrying about missing out on life probably) and we struggled to make ends meet sometimes. But God, what I wouldn’t give to struggle through anything and everything with you at my side.
I took a deep shaky breath and reread the paragraph again.
That was exactly how I felt about Roxy when I first saw her. It was like somebody shone a spotlight on her and a tiny voice in my head said, “You’re gonna wanna talk to that one, mate.”
I clenched my jaw so tight, my teeth ached. I’m not saying I would believe it if I heard it from anybody else, but I knew my father and I knew myself. Us Olsson men, when we fall, apparently, we know.
Nobody would ever love her like I would. I just needed to prove that. I needed to show her. It wasn’t enough to just say it, not after a lifetime of running. Starting now, I vowed to change everything.
What I wouldn’t give to struggle through anything and everything with you at my side.
I would give anything to be the person that struggled through life with her.
Fueled by my resolve, that week, I met with Dev and the rest of the team of Outside the Box and explained the situation. Of how I had screwed up and it cost the business but also of the potential in Green Valley. They were patient and understanding with me but had still decided to leave to join Callum and Dev, staying in Denver. I promised to send any remaining business in Denver their way. We departed on amicable terms even though it felt like the end of an era. That just left Skip and me. Skip, who wasn’t talking to me at the moment.
After our meeting with the rest of the team, I stopped him in the hall.
“Can we please talk?” I asked him, knowing I didn’t deserve the chance.
Reluctantly, he stayed and listened because Skip was nothing but a great guy. I explained that the Lodge had agreed to wait before signing anything official with OTB. I was done with rushing into situations and screwing things up. We had enough business here to get us through the end of the summer.
“Do you want to close down OTB? Tell me what I can do to show you I’m serious,” I said.
“I need to think,” he said. “I have a few more clients to wrap up over the summer. I’m not taking on anything new for fall. Let’s reevaluate then.”
Read: I’m still not ready to talk to you.
The days dragged by. Skip and I wrapped up the rest of our events in Denver, speaking only when necessary. Soon a whole month passed. I hadn’t called Roxy back yet. No texts. No emails. Nothing. I was ashamed but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t feel ready. She deserved me at my best, not the
