Chapter Twenty
Sleep didn’t come easily, not that I expected it to. I played what happened with Xan over and over in my head. I was mindless, need driven. That was what sex was though, right? The best sex in my opinion were the moments when you get lost in the person you are with.
But this just wasn’t a sexual fog I was in. I wanted him for more than his body and what it could do to mine. I wanted the blood that pumped through his veins. I wanted to bite into him and take it, without asking, without the thought of whether or not he was okay with it. I never wanted to take something from him without his permission, even if I was partly a creature who did that sort of thing often.
There was that, as well as the fact I didn’t know if I could drink from him without killing him. That scared me. I was in a daze, only wanting pleasure. I didn’t even realize it was my Xan who was under me, only that his body made me burn and his blood would feed my hunger. I could have drained him dry and not even realize what I had done until it was all over.
Then, there was the idea of what I may have to do in order to learn to feed without hurting someone. Did I want to have sex with Matias? Yes, and much, much more. I wanted him to be mine like Xander was mine, but unless my dragon mate had a change of heart, that wouldn’t happen. I wouldn’t let it.
But, from what Matias had told me, feeding was about pleasure, giving it and taking it. I could attest to that from what I nearly did to Xander. Matias didn’t want to teach me how to feed because of how hard it would be for the two of us to not follow through with the emotion it may bring out in us. Here I was, getting ready to ask him to take me to that point, all so I could have sex with someone else.
The whole situation was beyond fucked up. How could I do that to him? How could I do that to either of them? I only knew Matias for a few days and I already cared for him deeply and I hated hurting him too.
No, sleep didn’t come easily that night but when it did, it was restless and I felt more tired when I woke up. The sun was peeking through the curtains of the bedroom when my eyelids fluttered open. I squinted against the invading light and turned away from it.
Lazily rolling out of bed, I shuffled my feet toward the bathroom and turned on the shower. I held my hand under the spray until it was warm enough, then slid inside and let it cover me. I stayed in the shower longer than I normally would alone, but I needed help waking up, especially for what I was about to do.
I was still able to consume almost everything I ate and drank before I became a vampire, except for caffeine. That meant I couldn’t use coffee to help wake me up anymore and could only rely on hot showers. That in itself was enough of a reason to kill Di for what she did, but alas, she had run away.
When I didn’t think I could hide out anymore, I turned off the faucet and walked out onto the fuzzy bath mat and wrapped a towel around myself. I went through my normal routine quickly since my rumbling stomach wouldn’t let me miss breakfast and I was out the door heading toward the kitchen.
I picked up a tray of bagels when Camille stopped me with a wink.
“You’re excused from meal duty,” she told me. “Amos’ orders since, you know, everyone tried to kill you. Literally. I mean, you have to die in order for the vamp virus to take effect, so they actually succeeded, so yeah. No meal duty. Shoo.” She made a motion with her hands that matched her words and pushed me toward the dining room.
She didn’t seem upset by the fact I was dismissed from work in the house and by the looks on the others’ faces, they were okay with it too. Sighing, I searched for the two people who meant the most to me, finding them sitting opposite from one another at the table.
Oh boy.
I walked around the side where Xander sat and pulled out the chair next to him, squeezing his arm as I did it. I shot Matias a nervous smile and tucked a bit of my wet hair behind my ear. Matias seemed confused, but didn’t say anything. He was probably wondering what I was up to this morning since I didn’t come to him to train earlier. Then there was my behavior, which I knew was odd, but I couldn’t help it. It was all so fucked up and I didn’t see any way out of it but to go forward.
The three of us ate (and drank) our breakfast in near silence until the meal was almost over. Xan finished eating the last bit of food on his plate and rose from his chair. I put my hand on his forearm, making him pause.
He breathed out deeply and leaned down to kiss me on the forehead. “Do whatever you have to to come back to me, my Emi,” he whispered, then pulled away and walked out of the dining room without looking back.
I joined my hands together into a tight fist, bringing them between my knees and I lowered my head as I tried to contain the emotions. I couldn’t have been longer than a few seconds before I felt Matias’ cool touch on my knee. My eyes popped
