“One of what people, hon?”
A silent shiver traveled along my spine at the addition of the endearment. Kate would be able to understand me, but would I understand myself? “The type who seems to invite drama. The type to be having impure thoughts.”
“Impure?”
The tone of her voice was a good sign she’d taken me seriously, and I pulled in a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cool, cleansing air. “I haven’t acted upon them. But...”
At least a few moments went by before Kate spoke again. “Ah, this must be about Grocery Store Man, right?”
“Yes.”
“And why is he a problem?”
“Well, for one, I’m contemplating having an affair.” I gasped. “Did I just say that?”
This time, Kate’s laughter reverberated against the office walls. “Yes, you did, and it isn’t the first time I’ve heard someone use those words, so don’t be embarrassed. We’re all human. Please understand I’m not laughing at you. But the look of shock on your face...”
“Oh no worries. At all.” I shook my head, unable to go on.
Kate leaned closer. “Do I need to remind you that you and Theo aren’t a thing anymore? If you’re interested in this new guy, is it time to follow that interest?”
“I’ve thought of that—not being with Theo but being with Theo. But if I give in to the rush and pursue this guy, everything might change. Guilt would do me in.”
“Why guilt? I’m not sure your thoughts are as impure as you think. They seem normal to me.”
“Normal.” I sighed. “That’s such a relative term, isn’t it?” My life hadn’t been normal for some time, or at least it felt like it hadn’t. What it needed was a change, but—
“And what do you mean by ‘change everything’?” Kate asked.
“My life. The kids’ lives. Theo’s life for sure. Would he try to take the kids away from me? How would he handle the PTSD and the kids, by himself, in a house alone? I can’t leave him alone with the kids anyway. And I—”
Kate held up her hands. “Whoa. Slow down. You’re getting way ahead of yourself here, aren’t you?”
“Maybe?”
“No maybes about it. Listen. You like this guy. You’re not married to Theo—”
“I’m not divorced from him yet either—” Theo still hadn’t signed the papers.
“But you want to be, divorced from him I mean. That’s the most important thing to remember. And you have plans to be divorced; you’re allowing Theo to progress at his own pace. So, explore the situation, get to know this guy a little. If things go well, you worry about the future then.”
Kate had the knack for being sensible and often allowed me to see the things hiding behind my clouds of judgment. But something still seemed not right. “What about Theo?”
“What about Theo? I’m sorry, Sadie. You’re my friend, and I’m on your side more than I am his.” Kate gripped her fingers against mine and held on tight. “Yes, I want to see him recover fully. Yes, I want to see him whole and lead a productive life. But I want to see you happy too. And these last few years—you haven’t been happy. That’s partly why you both decided on the divorce in the first place.”
“You’re not telling me anything I’m not aware of. It’s just...”
“It’s what?”
“Change is hard. Even considering divorce took so much of my time and energy, took so much life out of me. I’m not sure how much I have left. To give myself or to give anyone else.”
Kate’s face softened. “Honey, I understand—you still care for Theo and his well-being. He’s still, in many ways, the man you married. But he can’t—or doesn’t want to—get the help he needs to come back to you. Is that what you’re waiting for?”
Another good point. Was I holding out hope Theo would come back? Is that why I had agreed to our living situation?
Kate didn’t wait for me to answer, just shook my hands once against my lap. “Here’s the thing you need to remember. Life doesn’t always go as planned, right? You know this all too well. But also—when we think life is going along as we want it to, it’s because we’ve manipulated the situation, whether we recognize it or not.
“Placed in the 10K race? I bet you trained for it. Got the promotion? Didn’t you put in twelve-hour days for weeks? You force the hand, so to speak. Stop thinking of Theo or the family or anyone else who might play a role in your life right now and rewrite the stars, Sadie. What is good for you? You can shape that narrative, as you book editors like to say.” Kate let go of my hands and leaned back in her chair, a soft, kind smile filling her face.
A snort escaped from my body. “Are you kidding? It’s not that simple!”
“Yeah, I might be a little bit optimistic, but you love me.” With a quick wink and a smirk, Kate patted my hand.
Before I left Kate’s office, she suggested sitting and having a heart-to-heart conversation with Theo. “It will be tough,” she said, “But I’m speaking as your friend and as a therapist, and it would be the best thing to do.”
She was right: going through with the divorce would effectively “throw him away,” at least in his eyes, so a conversation was the least I owed Theo. But on the way home from Kate’s office, the idea I’d failed my son with respect to his bowl came crashing down on me. Of course he wanted to hold on to it, to hold onto his father. It wasn’t just any bowl, but I’d treated it as such. Who should I
