We sat in the living room and drank wine by the streaks of moonlight filtering through the blinds, faces glowing in the dark. Jackie and Kate distracted me from my life with topics ranging from the kids to recent movies to the lack of parent volunteers at the elementary school. From time to time, they interjected a question or two about Andrew and Theo and what had happened, and I supplied a few, simple, but terse, answers; for the most part, I wanted to stay as far away from the subject of love as possible. The minutes and then the hours passed. Sitting with friends was something I hadn’t done in a long time, and I realized how much fun I was having. A few minutes after eleven, a wicked thought came to my mind.
“Hey,” I said, “Why don’t we text Andrew?”
“What is that? Like drunk dialing?” Jackie asked. She yawned. Our little party would soon have to wrap up. I wasn’t too drunk I couldn’t understand my friend. She still had work to get to next week and her holiday preparations to take care of.
“I guess. Wouldn’t that be funny?”
“Yeah, until tomorrow, when you check your texts and realize what you did. Don’t do it. For goodness sakes, let’s have some dignity here,” Kate said.
Kate’s gravelly voice reminded me so much of my mother’s, the voice I grew up with, the voice that criticized and made me feel inadequate. Whether or not she had meant it the way it sounded, her words brought me back to earth, to my reality. To the fact I was behaving like a kid, and I wasn’t one. I had responsibilities, and for a brief time, somehow, I’d forgotten them.
Straightening up in my chair, I brushed at my lips. “You’re right. I don’t want to lose any more dignity than I already have. But in my opinion, you’re being a wee bit judgmental.” I held up my hand and put a small amount of space between my thumb and my index finger. “Try walking in my shoes for a change.”
Kate’s eyes grew wide in response to my words, and her face blanched. But I’d never been in this situation before and truthfully, I felt judged by her. She got up from her chair and approached my seat. She knelt in front of me and extended her hand to my arm. “You can get through this slight bump. With my help, with Jackie’s, with a therapist, one who isn’t your friend. I don’t...” Kate let her voice trail off, but she continued to stare at me.
“I’ve thought of that,” I said. “It’s why I went to see you in the first place...thought you’d suggest therapy.” A mist gathered in the corners of my eyes. “I’ve had a lot of time to ruminate about this, though, and now, I’m convinced I don’t want to get through it. I’m keeping myself stuck in this middle because it’s my way of punishing myself.” I placed my hand on top of Kate’s. “There’s a therapist’s response for you, eh? I’m not doing anything but spinning my wheels because being in the middle, between wanting to be with Andrew but not wanting to leave a person who might need my help...it’s punishment. Self-flagellation if you will.” I hadn’t thought much before I said those last words, but they sounded right to me.
“Don’t you see though?” Jackie interrupted. “You’re concentrating on the wrong part of the problem. Sure, Theo has issues—who doesn’t?—but you aren’t looking elsewhere because of his sickness. You and Theo made the decision to end things before you met Andrew. And, even if Theo didn’t have PTSD, what’s to say you’d be together now?”
The conversation had turned deep so quickly, my mind sobered. “I see your point, Jackie, but please, if you weren’t my friend, would you be sticking up for me? Or would you be on the side of the sick man, pitying him because his rotten lifeline wants to leave him?”
Holding up a shaky hand, I didn’t let her answer. “I’m so glad you came over. I needed girl time, time away from my troubles, and you gave that to me. I’m not ready to face this right now, and it’s late.” I hugged my friends and placed a kiss on Clara’s fuzzy head, then turned my back and walked on wobbly legs to my silent bedroom. Kate and Jackie would be kind enough to let themselves out and let me wallow in my sorry state.
That night, I tossed and turned in my bed, half expecting to hear a car pull up on the driveway and for Theo to walk in. Being there, in the house we’d lived in for the last thirteen years, made me miss him—his smell, his laugh, everything about him. I pulled what had been his pillow to my face and inhaled, trying to capture his essence even though it had been a long time since he’d been in the bed. Desperate for warmth and sleep, I took his fleece bathrobe from the hook on his bathroom door, wrapped myself up in it, and folded myself onto the big armchair in the corner of his bedroom. My phone sat on the side table, and I contemplated calling Kate. She’d be home by now, and while we had our differences, her experience as a therapist had its benefits.
After grabbing the phone, I clutched the device in my fingers, my predicament staring me in the face. Not long ago, I’d vacillated between wanting out of my marriage and wanting to stay in. I’d chosen to sort of stay in, for Theo’s sake, and now, a different kind of vacillation presented itself. Pursue my happiness or make sure someone I used to love got what they needed? Where on the continuum did my feelings lie? I knew only one thing: I had to get my act together. Sadie Rollins-Lancaster played the roles of partner, mother, employee, and
