“You’ve caught on to most of everything that’s happened over the last half year or so, but recently, I’ve been comparing my life to a book,” I said.
The lines of Mom’s face danced upon hearing my words. “Oh, why am I not surprised? You always were a voracious reader, even when you didn’t have the time to be. And with your job...”
“So, I got to thinking. What sort of book would my life be? And while I couldn’t quite decide—because I kept getting more thrown at me: men, drama, laughs, you name it, I got it—I also started wondering about the character I’d be. It’s clear now I’m the flawed heroine, if I can even call myself a heroine...look what I’m doing with my life. But who wants to read about a person with flaws?” I pressed my back against the chair and felt the steel rod up against my spine, which forced me to sit up straighter than I would have preferred.
“We all have flaws,” Mom said, a simple quirk to her lips.
“I know that.”
“And some of the most well-written and highly regarded characters are flawed; it’s what makes them human. But this isn’t a book.” Mom extended her hand to mine, and I didn’t stop her from taking it. “This is your life, and you’ve always been the type to take what you want from it. Decide what you want and then go for it.” She pressed our fingers together, a gesture I chose to interpret as unwavering, yet surprising, support.
“That doesn’t apply right now does it? Theo is dying here.”
“Not to be crude, but he’s been dying for a long time, Sadie. You’ve just been hanging on for the ride. And is he really what you want?”
All this time, and I thought Mom hadn’t noticed. Her words felt like pins to me, and I removed my hand from hers. “You aren’t married anymore. How can you understand? It doesn’t matter I’ve wavered back and forth, and I’ve been inconsistent. I thought Theo was going to try and make things better for himself. That’s what we agreed on. Plus, I told him I’d be here for him.”
“But are you here?”
This time, her words slammed into me like a linebacker taking out an opponent. I gasped, shook my head to rid myself of the offensive feeling, and concentrated on the floor, which couldn’t spew verbal barbs. “Your words hurt, Mom. They really hurt.” For once, I wanted to be completely honest with her, plus I didn’t have the energy to throw anything more offensive her way.
“I know. I’m sorry I’m the one who had to say them. But I am your mom. And always will be.”
For so long, Mom and I had spoken words that served as slings and arrows, and now, only now, when I was in the crux of a crisis, did I realize this time she probably was truly sorry.
“It’s okay, it’s what we do...as mom and daughter anyway. We have this knack for injuring one another with a single word.”
“Well then, I might as well go ahead and mention you’re reacting like I would.”
“What? Like you? How?” I stared into Mom’s eyes. I’d never seen truth shining from them like I did that day.
“You can’t see it? Being indecisive, going back and forth, trying to find a reason for everything that’s happening and trying to find a place to put the blame. You, only you, are accountable for your actions. No one else.
“But if you really wanted Andrew, if you want Andrew, if he’s the best option for you, you’re the only one who can decide that. Screw what everyone else says, it’s your life. But be sure of what you’re doing, because once you do it, you can’t go back.”
Tight silence hung in the air, punctuated only by the sounds of Theo’s machines.
“You’re a little late, Mom.” I had decided to at least try a new future involving Theo far off to the side and Andrew in the new supporting role. “Theo seems to want to call the shots right now. I’m not sure I can deal with anything else at this point.”
The cavalier way the words spilled forth surprised me, but my entire being flooded with fatigue and exasperation. Was Theo going to die? If he did, how would that affect me and the kids? I’d anticipated a sense of relief when Theo signed the papers and moved out because even though I hadn’t originally wanted to divorce, it became clear it was the correct path. But this would be a sudden happenstance, an abrupt loss, a shock to both me and the kids. I gripped the arms of the chair, so cold beneath my fingers, and fought against the sobs wracking my body once again.
“I want Andrew, but I also want Theo back. Is it possible to want them both?”
“Yes, but not in the way you’ve been going about it. You’ve been trying to balance both for a while now, right? And has it worked?”
Just because Mom told the truth didn’t mean I had to like it. But I knew better this time and thought about what she said, absorbing the words and giving my honest answer.
“No, it hasn’t worked at all,” I said.
“Then dig deep. Get inside your head and heart and soul and take the time to listen to what they’re telling you. And figure the whole goddamn mess out.”
Chapter 32: Theo
The sun’s rays streamed through the plate glass window next to Doc’s desk as I sat in a chair in her office. The slivers of light hit the brown carpet, highlighting a dark oval that didn’t match the surrounding fibers. A rust-colored cast. What had happened there? And why didn’t I remember how I’d gotten
