We hadn’t drawn up a living will, so I wasn’t quite sure what to do about Theo’s condition, should I need to decide. If the time came to make a choice, I hoped my family and friends would help me consider the options and make the right one.
I thought about taking a leave of absence from my job but instead requested to work remotely. Some of my workload would fall to Jackie, who had found her groove both at work and at home. She juggled being a parent and an employee with grace and poise and told me to take as much time as I needed, as much as the company would give me.
“Thank you, Jackie,” I said, my voice muffled against her hair as I hugged her. “I have to do this. There is no way to stay at the hospital much of the day, be there for the kids, and get to work. I’m not doing a very good job of being a mother, but at least they have one parent mostly present this way.”
“Don’t worry,” Jackie said. “The boss won’t give that office to anyone else.”
And I was grateful. For the boss, the employees, the clients, and the pace my job lent to my life, the rush of getting through a book or a project and moving onto the next one. I’d miss every aspect of the office, partly because being at the hospital was difficult and being at home was even harder. I’d look at the kids and try to approach the subject of their dad. Most of the time, I failed.
Lexie and Delia had it the hardest, in a way. Both were young, and neither understood why Theo wasn’t home or how he was clinging to life in a stiff hospital bed. They’d never dealt with death before, and watching my girls hurt made me realize I hadn’t prepared them fully for when Theo and I would part ways. Lexie had come on the scene after Theo’s symptoms had escalated. She never knew the strong and healthy Theo, but it was clear that while his lack of health was the norm for her, she’d never contemplated he wouldn’t someday be there. How could she have done so? Now, our decision to live together without living together seemed so wrong.
Charlie knew a bit more, but by the looks of it, he was living in a state of denial. The pile of books on his nightstand now included books on veterans, PTSD, and coming back from heaven. Tears welled in my eyes as I stumbled to find words to speak to Charlie, but even when I tried, he shut me down.
“I love you, but I need to read,” he’d say. And I let him.
On the nights I made it home from the hospital before the kids went to bed, I’d climb onto each of their mattresses, and we’d send an extra positive vibe out into the universe for Theo. Would the universe be there for a man who tried to end his life? Did Charlie have a good book about that topic?
After the kids were tucked in and the house was quiet, I’d leave Brooke in charge and return to the hospital for an hour or two. Staying in our house ripped at my insides; Theo might never come back to that place. At least at the hospital, despite the beeping of the machine and the antiseptic smell, a small ray of hope existed.
Chapter 34: Sadie
One morning, after getting Delia and Charlie onto the school bus, waving with a smile I pulled out of nowhere, and finding my large travel mug so perfect for coffee, I kissed Lexie goodbye, thanked Brooke, and headed back to my perch next to Theo’s bed. My head throbbed from lack of sleep: the prior night I had rolled myself into a fetal position and cried for so many reasons, only one of which was for Theo. For once, the last person on my mind was Andrew, so color me surprised to hear he’d been by to visit Theo. Not seeing Andrew near the rooms or the nurse’s station, I took my seat and pulled out a tattered copy of a People Magazine Kate had given me. Too much idled in my mind to do anything but read trivial news.
Andrew and I hadn’t spent as much time together as I would have liked, but we’d somehow come to an unspoken agreement: get through this time right now, and we’ll address us later. Of course, we’d exchanged texts, but anything more took too much of my energy, and he understood. Did he still feel the same way I did about us? Despite the too-tight feeling that comes with being stretched so thin, my heart still raced when Andrew came to mind. Could he say the same?
As I sat with the magazine in my lap, flipping through the old Kardashian non-news of the day, wondering how much everything in my life might change before I had a nervous breakdown and when I should speak with an attorney, my phone pinged with a text from Andrew.
I’m here.
Okay. Come on up.
I’m in the hallway.
Then come on in.
The old, fleece sweatshirt and the flyaway nature of my hair didn’t worry me. Andrew didn’t care, and so many other things were more important. Like the fact that Theo was still in this hospital bed, unaware of the moving world around him, and that he had friends and family who would give anything to have him back on this side of consciousness. I included myself in that group of people. My love for Theo might
