The next twenty minutes are a blur of doctors, nurses, and epidurals. I close my eyes, and can’t feel anything. Thank God. I turn my head to Earl, and he smiles weakly. I feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness, but perk up when the obstetrician finally says the magic words: “Here’s your son.”
Earl is holding the newborn swaddled in a blanket. The baby’s face is wrinkled, and his dark hair is matted down, but he’s alive. And cute. His eyes are closed and he looks so peaceful. Chris Grey. Our baby.
Baby Chris’s eyes open. They’re gray just like his father’s. Baby Chris smiles wickedly, and flashes his pointed vampire teeth. Wait—his what?!
I look up at Earl, who smiles and flashes his own pointed fangs. “I guess there’s something we need to talk about,” he says. The baby gazes at me, and I gaze at him, and then Earl gazes at me, and then we all take turns gazing at each other gazingly.
BOARDROOM HOTTIES
VOL. 14, ISSUE 3
“Earl Grey & Anna Steal Married in Seattle”
A BOARDROOM HOTTIES EXCLUSIVE BY KATHLEEN KRAVEN
Three months after the birth of their first child, the Earl Grey Corporation’s resident hottie Earl Grey and his fiancée, Amazon warehouse employee Anna Steal, have tied the knot. The couple was married in a hush-hush ceremony in Seattle’s newly renovated Space Needle this April—and Boardroom Hotties was there with the exclusive!
Earl, 28, and Anna, 22, began dating nearly a year ago and caused an uproar when they “came out” in public at Earl’s drunk diving charity ball. It also caused a stir around the Boardroom Hotties office, mainly because we had all assumed the mysterious Earl Grey batted for the other team. Not so!
Longtime Boardroom Hotties readers may remember Earl and Anna’s close call last year, when their helicopter crashed into the Space Needle. Thankfully, Earl escaped without a scratch on his gorgeous face. Anna’s injuries were more severe, but she recovered quickly thanks to celebrity doctor Drew Pinsky. Thirty-two tourists lost their lives in the accident, which totaled the historic landmark. Earl financed reconstruction of the towering structure, and the Space Needle now stands over 1,800 feet tall—nearly three times its previous height. Word on the street is that its new distinctive pinkish hue and “veiny” appearance are modeled after Earl’s own “space needle.” This reporter was unable to confirm the likeness, unfortunately.
The wedding ceremony was attended by close friends and family only. The groom’s side of the aisle was packed with local celebrities, including Earl’s adoptive father (and 1986 Boardroom Hottie of the Month) Bill Gates. The bride’s nudist mother and stepfather made for some interesting family portraits!
The bride wore a tasteful white Louis Vuitton for Target bridal gown designed specifically for the occasion; the groom wore Tom Ford (literally—he draped the designer over his shoulders). Standing up for the couple were this reporter (as the maid of honor, celebrating eleven months of sobriety) and best man Tom Cruise. The ceremony was officiated by the Reverend Brent Spiner.
The happy newlyweds will be honeymooning with their infant son at Triassic Safari, Earl’s private dinosaur park in Hawaii that he totally thought of way before Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park.
Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames
The Complete, Unexpurgated List
1. Shopping at Walmart on Saturdays
2. Bondage with handcuffs
3. Plays BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)
4. Mancrush on Tom Cruise, even after all the Scientology/ Katie Holmes BS
5. Spanking
6. Actually likes the taste of Bud Light
7. Whipping
8. Flogging
9. Cried when Oprah went off the air, but never found the time to watch her cable channel
10. Caning
11. Backdoor sex
12. Prefers Jay Leno over David Letterman
13. Teabagging
14. Nipple clamps
15. Doesn’t understand why everyone hated the
Star Wars
prequels so much
16. Thought Jerry Seinfeld was the funniest part of
Seinfeld
17. Bath & Body Works Signature Collection Coconut Lime Breeze body wash
18. Cock rings
19. Doesn’t get
Mad Men
—like, at all
20. Uses a PC laptop with an Apple sticker covering the Dell logo
21. Steals Wi-Fi from neighbors
22. Finds it incredibly erotic when women pick their noses
23. Nickelback
24. Only flosses teeth the week before a scheduled dentist appointment
25. Watches
Titanic
at least once a year, and laughs every time when that guy hits the propeller
26. Team Jacob
27. Trolls Craigslist for dates
28. Wishes Katy Perry and Russell Brand would reunite, because they were so good together
29. Thought Heath Ledger was “just okay” as the Joker
30. Olive Garden is his favorite Italian restaurant
31. Bondage with rope
32. Pays women to live-action role play (LARP)
33. Never finished reading Ayn Rand’s
Atlas Shrugged
34. Watches professional wrestling religiously even though he knows it’s not “real”
35.
Gossip Girl
36. Can’t remember the last time he trimmed his toenails
37. Makes frequent references to
Snakes on a Plane,
even though it wasn’t even funny to do so when the movie was in theaters
38. Vibrators
39. Thinks Tim Burton is kind of overrated
40. Wishes everyone would just leave Kristen Stewart alone
41. Lesbian porn doesn’t really do it for him
42. Can eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in under half a minute
43. Thinks Jeff Foxworthy is hilarious
44. Snowballing
45. Thinks you just can’t beat a good floral-print Hawaiian shirt
46. Kind of thought George W. Bush was decent as commander in chief
47. Butt plugs
48.
16 and Pregnant
49. Pegging
50. Reads erotic romance novels
AN EXCERPT FROM
Fifty Shames in Space
Earl Grey bends me over the railing overlooking the vast, alien jungle and takes me from behind. In our rush to get busy, we have stripped off only the minimal amount of clothing necessary, and are making love with our pants around our ankles and the rest of our space clothing untouched. The twenty-pound jetpack is still strapped to my back; it takes an eternity to get completely out of our space battle gear, and neither of us can wait another ten minutes to get hot and heavy.
As we bone under Xenux’s twin moons, I think about all that’s happened since the birth of our son: the human-vampire war, the invading alien forces that exploded the
