The closer I get to climaxing, the more my nipples ache to be touched. Finally, it is too much to bear. I fumble with my top, in a desperate attempt to free my breasts as I ride Earl to my pleasurable destination. One touch is all it will take to send me over the edge. Earl, sensing what I’m trying to do, wraps an arm around me to cup my left breast—but his long fingers find the jetpack’s emergency booster switch instead.
I am shot three hundred yards across the jungle, where I crash-land into a tree.
It is the best orgasm of my life.
When I trek back through the jungle and find Earl, there’s not much left of him. The direct blast from my jetpack’s single thruster cut him in half at the waist. My poor Earl Grey is now fifty shades of messed up . . .
Does Earl Grey survive? Find out in Fifty Shames in Space, the thrilling sequel to Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. Twice the sex, twice the excitement, and twice the sex!
Acknowledgments
Thank you to Brandi Bowles and the fine folks at Foundry Literary + Media for believing in this project. Pony power!
Thank you to Brandy Rivers and the Gersh Agency for scouting locations for my luxury mansion in Beverly Hills.
Thank you to Renée Sedliar, Lissa Warren, Sean Maher, Kevin Hanover, John Radziewicz, Alex Camlin, and everyone at Da Capo Press and Perseus Books Group.
Thank you to Christine Marra and Marrathon Editorial Production Services for beating the manuscript into shape.
Thank you to Jennifer Sullivan, Hilary Rose, and the entire Tantor Audio team.
Thank you to the talented Allyson Ryan for bringing Anna Steal to life for the audiobook.
Thank you to my beta readers, Tiffany Reisz and Karen Stivali.
Thank you to the thousands of readers who followed this story through the first three chapters back when it was serialized on EvilReads.com as Fifty-one Shades. I wasn’t lying when I said I would sell out, change the characters’ names, and hide from y’all in my brand new McMansion. Good luck getting past my alligator-filled moat!
And, last but not least, thank you to Stephenie Meyer for the inspiration.
Index
A
“Aaaarrrrghhhh!,”
Ackroyd, Dan
Apple, poison(see also Poison)
Apple, product placement of
Ass, burnt (see Starbucks)
B
Babies, Beanie
Basket-weaving, underwater
BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery and Magick)
Beyoncé,
Body wash, expensive
C
Camellia sinensis
Cleveland Steamer
Cornell, Chris
Crocs, bright pink
Cruise, Tom
Culkin, Macauley
Cullen, Edward
D
Deliverance (joke)
Dice, sixty-nine-sided
Dice, twenty-sided
Dirty Sanchez
Diving, drunk
Drew, Dr.
E
Elevators
Eyes, gray
F
F-14 Tomcat
Fingers, long
Four Loko
G
Gates, Bill
Gossip Girl
Grey, Earl (man)
Grey, Earl (tea)
Griffey, Jr., Ken
Guidette, Inner, overuse of
Guitar Hero
“Gulp,”
Guns N’ Roses
H
Hair, tousled
Harry Potter
Hello Kitty
Hotmail
J
Jägerbombs
Jay-Z
Jurassic Park
L
Lincoln, Abraham
M
Manticore,
Mermaid (naked women swimming in a fish tank)
Mermaid (topless in Starbucks logo)
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
N
Nickelback
Nail, nineteen-inch
Nails, Nine Inch
Nirvana
O
Obama, Barack
“Oh my,”
Olive Garden
P
Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki,”
Park, Jurassic (see Jurassic Park)
Perry, Katy
magic tricks out of Anna’s
perfume
Pinot Noir, three hundred dollar bottles of
Poison(see also Apple, poison)
PonyExpression.net
Pretty Woman
R
Red Bull and Jägermeister (see Jägerbombs)
Red Bull and NyQuil
Rib, Mc
Romney, Mitt
Rusty Trombone
S
Safari, Triassic (see also Jurassic Park)
Shamrock Shake
Snooki (see Paloozi, Nicole “Snooki”)
Space Needle
before
after
Sparks, Nicholas
Spiner, Brent
Starbucks
Super Mario Kart
T
Tambourine
Tampons, vodka-soaked
Tape, cassettes
Tape, duct
Tea, Earl Grey
Tea, not Earl Grey,
Tea, white,
Teabagging
Tension, sexual
Thunder, Days of
Tie, smiley-faced
Triceratops (see Safari, Triassic)
Twilight
U
“Uh-oh,”
Unicycle, dangerous operation of
V
Vampire, sparkly
Vedder, Eddie
W
Wall Street
Walmart
Winfrey, Oprah, painting of
Womb, growing needy with want
Words With Friends
Z
Zuckerberg, Mark
Zumba
About the Author
Fanny Merkin hides from her fans lives in a Beverly Hills mansion purchased using the embarrassingly large advance she received for Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. She is a former Walmart employee who writes under the pseudonym “Andrew Shaffer” for publications as diverse as Mental Floss and Maxim. Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love. He reviews romance, erotica, and women’s fiction for RT Book Reviews magazine.
50shames.com
ThisMerkinLife.com
This is a work of parody. It imitates an author’s style and work for comic effect. Its intent is to ridicule. Its purpose is to make people laugh. The dialogue, thoughts, attitudes, and actions of its characters, even those based on public figures, are all fictional. They are included only to enhance the overall value and effectiveness of the parody.
Copyright © 2012 by Andrew Shaffer
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210.
Editorial production by Marrathon Production Services. www.marrathon.net
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for this book.
eISBN : 978-0-306-82200-1
First Da Capo Press edition 2012
Published by Da Capo Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
www.dacapopress.com
Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail special.markets@perseusbooks.com.
Table of Contents
Praise
Title Page
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
Chapter Twenty-six
Chapter Twenty-seven
Chapter Twenty-eight
Chapter Twenty-nine
Epilogue
BOARDROOM HOTTIES
Earl Grey’s Fifty Shames
AN EXCERPT FROM Fifty Shames in Space
Acknowledgments
Index
About the Author
Copyright Page
