“Oh no, you’re not mad at me too, are you?” asked Death. Tim uncrossed his arms and sighed.
“Jeez, Derek, it’s difficult to act mad at you when you always seem like you have no idea what’s going on.”
“Why, what’s going on?”
“We need to talk,” said Tim, sitting at the kitchen table.
“Go on, Tim, tell him what you told me,” said Maria.
“Derek, do you realize what you’ve done with all this legislation?”
“Banned everyone’s vices?” asked Death.
“Yes, exactly. Do you understand why this is a bad thing?”
“No.”
“Because vices are important. They give people a break from their mundane lives. Without vices, people go clinically insane. It’s been scientifically proven.”
“Oh, stop it,” said Maria. “Tell him what you told me. Derek, Tim is worried that if you make everything illegal, he’ll lose business in the red light district.”
“That’s not what this is about,” said Tim. “It’s not what it’s totally about. It’s only a little bit about that.”
“Which district?” asked Death.
“What you should be doing is making prostitution legal,” said Maria. “That way it will be safe for women and they’ll have a choice to do what they want with their bodies.”
“That’s not the answer,” spat Tim. “That will lead to the downfall of our society.”
“Derek,” said Maria. “I mean, that is, Death. Is anything on your mind?”
Death looked at Maria’s concerned face and, surprised someone was actually fishing for his opinion, said, “Yes. Being human is difficult.”
“But you aren’t human,” she said. “You’re Death.”
“But I want to be human, because not dying is what makes you happy.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes it does,” said Tim. “Not dying seems awesome to me.”
“Shut up,” said Maria. “It’s not what makes people happy, Death. Dying is what makes people happy, indirectly of course. Because without it, we can’t appreciate life. Afterlife or no afterlife, logical humans know that this is a very brief chance we get to experience something incredible. You don’t bring harm to people; you bring confirmation of their existence. Without you, no one would be able to understand how important living is.”
Death stood up and took hold of his jacket. “I think you’re right,” he said. “My last speech for today is in a few minutes. I’ll keep what you said in mind.” He put on his jacket and left.
“Is that a dead guy over there?” asked Tim, peering into the living room at Brian.
A Happy Death
“Okay, pal, this is it,” said Izzy. He was sitting beside Death in the backseat of a limousine, scrawling on a note card. “This is the big one. It totally won’t get you impeached. Do you remember what I told you earlier?”
“About your warts?” asked Death, looking out the window at the passing trees.
“No. The other thing.”
“About how if I get impeached then you get to take over because you’re second in command?”
“Yes, that’s the one. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“Oh I know,” said Death, nodding. “You already told me.”
“Okay, great,” said Izzy. The limousine came to a halt and he handed the note cards to Death. “Knock ‘em dead, boss.”
“Er…right,” said Death. The driver opened his door and he stepped out into the peculiarly hot early autumn air. He found his way to the podium and looked out at the vast crowd before him. They did not look as excited as they were for his previous speech. Death looked back at Izzy, who gave a thumbs up, and put his mouth to the microphone. “Uh, hi,” he said.
He looked down at the note cards, then back at the crowd. As he wiped sweat from his brow he made eye contact with Tim and Maria, who were standing up front. Maria gave a thumbs up, which seemed much warmer and genuine than Izzy’s. With renewed confidence, Death put the note cards in his jacket pocket and spoke.
“I know you guys are probably a little mad at me. A lot of people told me to do things that I probably shouldn’t have done. And I realize that they told me to do these things out of power, and greed, and manipulation. But I can’t let that happen anymore.”
Izzy sidled up to Death and whispered in his ear: “What exactly do you think you’re doing? Read from the cards.”
Death continued as though he had not heard. “I need to set the record straight. I don’t actually believe any of this stuff I banned should be banned. What I believe is that you should be able to do what you want to with yourselves, as long as you don’t hurt other people. So, I’m lifting all the legislation I put into place earlier today.” The crowd erupted into cheers. “You can all go back to the way your lives were before. Drink. Make love. Look at naughty pictures of women. I have no place telling you not to.”
More cheering, louder than Death had ever heard before. He beamed at Maria and Tim, who smiled back. The world was almost back in order.
“Okay then, time for Plan B,” said Izzy. He took hold of the microphone from the podium and held his hand up to silence the crowd. “I have proof of something that Mayor Derek was hiding from us all along. I feel that you, as the great citizens of not only this city, but of this country, deserve to know. There was a reason he never revealed his religion to us. You see, Derek was and still is, embarrassingly, a member of the Lightscribe Gate Group that you see prancing around Maine Street.” He set the microphone down and shot a wry smile at Death before stepping back.
“Yeah, that’s true,” said Death, nodding. He did not understand the significance of this, but apparently the crowd did as it erupted into boos. “But, uh, I don’t really know how that plays into politics, so could we stay on topic?” The boos and jeers died down. “I also wanted to
