DAY 70
hi chloe
quick question: are you interested in being part of a group show? my friends and I are putting on an exhibition at my friend’s warehouse. call me. we’d love to have you be part of it.
Ax
‘Chloe! You called!’
‘Uh huh.’ I’m on the line, but I’m nervous as all hell. Adut and I have exchanged a few emails but this is our first time speaking on the phone.
‘I’m so pleased you got back to me. Hang on.’ I think I hear a tram bell in the background, air whistling all around. ‘Sorry, I’m getting off the road and putting my headphones in…How are you doing, Chloe?’
‘Good, thanks.’
I realise Adut doesn’t know much about what has been going on. When I told her about my art project I made it sound like an intellectual thing, I didn’t mention what had been happening at school. She has no idea about church services or grief counselling or anything.
‘Are you interested in the show? It’s nothing intimidating. I’m part of a collective and we put them on every few months.’
‘I don’t think my work is good enough.’ I may as well say it right out. ‘Won’t it look too basic compared to everyone else?’
‘Listen we had a meeting last night and we got talking. We’re always thinking about how to improve representation in our shows, you know, identify who doesn’t get traditional space and then give them a platform. And we realised that we’ve never included a teenage artist, which is kind of…we should have our eye on that, right?’
‘I don’t know…Is there time for me to make something new?’
I’m not sure I want to show my photo of Natalia anymore, even in its new incarnation. Everything has been so bleak lately, and now it seems too dark and lonely. I’m glad I finished it, transformed it, but it’s time to move on.
‘For sure. I’ll email you the timelines. And it doesn’t have to be photography. We’re open to anything you want to do. How do you feel about that?’
‘Nervous,’ I admit.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll help you. We can discuss what you might want to put in. Your work will show where you are right now. Where you are is where you are, and it has every right to be seen. Don’t you think?’
‘You’re messing with my head a little, to be honest,’ I say and Adut laughs loudly and genuinely.
The sky is purple-dark, scattered with the kind of stars that give you hope. We’re halfway through spring and surely it should be warmer than this. Katie, Liana and I lie on Liana’s trampoline and look up at the universe. There are so many people in Liana’s house that this is the only place we can get any privacy.
I tell them about Adut’s invitation and how I’m not sure I should have said yes. I still have a bundle of schoolwork, I still have to see out term four.
‘Whenever you talk about your art these days, babe, your face scrunches up,’ Katie demonstrates, in case I don’t get what she means, ‘like, stress face. It never used to be like that.’
‘Remember when I started my YouTube channel and all of a sudden I hated doing my hair and makeup?’ Liana sticks her legs in the air and flexes her feet. ‘Two videos a week? Too much pressure, man.’
I sigh. They’re not wrong. ‘I know I need to get the fun back. I just don’t know how.’
Adut said everything she could to take the pressure off and followed up with an encouraging email, like she’s the nicest person in the world, but still.
There’s a round of screams from inside the house. We all lift our heads up in alarm. The glow from the television is visible through the glass doors. Liana’s dad, brothers, nieces, nephews and cousins form animated shadows in front of the rugby match.
‘They need to calm down or someone’s going to have a coronary,’ Liana remarks. She’ll only watch women’s sports, that’s her rule, meaning she lies outside on the trampoline a lot on weekends.
How can I keep art fun but still handle this burning need to say something?
I’ve been thinking about Natalia’s art pieces, the seventies models with their mouths scratched out. I know she thinks they’re sloppy and a lazy joke, something she did at the last minute to hand in, but they still spoke to me, somehow.
And the conversation I had with Petra about her chain email has stuck with me too; how she was so scared she wanted to do something to warn us, to help us, to increase our chances, to cope with the uncontrollable fact of Yin being missing.
‘There actually is this new thing I want to do, that has me kind of interested…’ I shift about because Katie’s head on my leg has made it go to sleep. ‘It’s kind of an extension of what Natalia and I did. I want to do a new photo shoot, with these girls I know at Balmoral—’
‘Do it!’ says Katie.
‘You don’t even know what I’m going to say yet.’ I jiggle my leg, making us all bounce. ‘It’s about choosing how you show yourself to the world, like being in control of how others see you. I think.’
‘Are you going to use Natalia as your model again?’
‘Maybe. I mean, she also makes a good assistant. Her visual sense is great, she’s just too disorganised to do her own thing.’
‘Ha!’ says Katie. ‘I can relate.’
‘Get her on the phone.’ Liana slides my phone across the bouncy fabric. ‘Do video. I want to actually meet her.’
‘Now? Nah, she’s got a lot to cope with at the moment.’
‘Yeah, exactly,’ Katie says. ‘Maybe she wants to think about something different for a change.’
I’m surprised, but I call her anyway.
When Natalia’s face appears on my screen I say, ‘How are you going?’ because the memorial service was only yesterday.
‘Average,’ she says. ‘Where
