The coffee pot had a sticky note on itthat said: DRINK ME. I grinned. Gil and I had left notes like that for eachother when I was young.
COMPLETE ME on homework, EAT ME onbirthday cake, CLIMB INTO ME at bed time, USE ME! stuck on the shower doorafter my softball games. I poured a cup of coffee and listened to the sounds ofGil in his workroom. Subtle bangs and swishes since he had the garage dooropen, the constant lazy drone of the radio. Some morning shock jock going onand on about something or another.
I put a piece of bread in the toasterand waited for it to magically turn it to toast. Extra butter, more coffee, Iwondered out into the work room, nibbling my toast and wondering how I shouldbring up last night. Or if I should at all.
By the door was a box full of stuffand on the concrete floor next to it, some packing tape, a permanent marker andan address label. Marian’s stuff. “Good morning?” I called.
“Good morning to you, SleepingBeauty,” Gil said from the loft. I looked up and he winked at me, giving me alittle wave. “I’ll be right there.”
He came down the steps that were moreladder than staircase and dropped a photo album in the box. “Mom?” I asked.
“Who else?” He grinned at me andstooped to seal the box.
“Hold up,” I said, curious. I grabbedthe photo album and flipped through. My Grandma Irene, my other grandmotherJill. Me with no front teeth. Me pigtails. Me and Gil at he beach with meclutching a big red raft. Me and Gil at the state fair. Me and Gil makingoversized pancakes the size of dinner plates. “Hunh.”
“What?”
I flipped some more. “What do yousee?”
“Pictures,” he said.
“Well, thank you, captain obvious.”
He laughed, smacked my butt in a goodnatured way but something in me suddenly bloomed to life. I ignored it.
“What I mean is, what do you noticeabout those pictures?” I flipped a bit faster and he shook his head at me.
“You’ve got me, Jen. You’re too sharpfor me. What should I notice?”
“That most of them are me and you. Meand you, Gil. Me and you and another person. Me and you on vacation, atceremonies, with animals. Where is she?” I said softly, but there was venom inmy voice. “Where is my goddamn, motherfucking mother!” I ground out the words.
He took the book from me gently andsaid “Behind the camera. That is all.”
“Every time? Every. Single. Time?”
He frowned. “Yes, mostly. I guess” hesighed, clearly at a loss for what to say.
“Fuck, she wasn’t with us even whenshe was with us,” I sighed and dropped the book into the box.” I dropped to myknees pushing and shoving at the box until it closed. Then I wrapped it crazilyin packing tape and then banged it against the garage a few times for goodmeasure.
Gil put his hand on my head as I kneltthere breathing hard. “Better?”
“Maybe if I back over it with yourtruck,” I said.
He laughed and helped me up.
“None of that. We’ll ship it off andthen I have to go to Levenstein to file the papers for divorce.”
“Good for you,” I said my throattight. “You should. You sure I can’t back over that thing with the truck?”
“I’m sure. Look grab a seat, kiddo. Weneed to talk.”
My heartbeat tripled its rate and Ihoisted myself onto the work bench, swinging my legs like a kid. I figured thiswould be the us talk. So it shocked me when he said “Carl was fucking around onyou last night.”
I blinked at him and oddly felt theurge to remind him of what we had done last night and technically hadn’t Icheated on Carl? “I see,” I said.
“And I want you to boot his ass. Johnsaid he was messing around right there in the bar in front of everyone withTammy from the band. He didn’t even have the decency to do it in private.”
“Maybe he had too much to drink,” Isaid softly, staring at my swinging feet.
“No excuse.” His stormy eyes flashedand he turned from me, wiping off tools and hanging them on the pegboard on theback wall.
“And us?” I asked, picking a sliver ofwood on the work bench’s old, weathered surface.
“No excuse,” he repeated.
“Gil, I--”
He turned way too fast and I felt mybody rear back from him. The intensity of his anger was overwhelming and mystomach dipped crazily with nerves. “We shouldn’t have done it. Not the firsttime and sure as shit not last night. It should never have happened. Nothingshould have happened between us beyond father and daughter stuff.”
“But Gil--”
“Shut up, Jen,” he hissed. “It’swrong. I need to divorce your mother and move far, far away from it all. Thishouse, this town, her…you.”
My vision trembled with unshed tearsand when he moved to pass me I grabbed his sleeve and tugged. I caught him offguard and the force of my grab pulled him to me in a stumble step. I hooked myarm around his neck and my legs around my waist and I kissed him. I craned myneck and kissed him, feeling the bite and sting of his stubble on my cheek andmy lips.
Gil grunted and for one blissfulsecond, as his hand came down on my waist and he held me there, he kissed meback. He kissed me hard and when he pulled away I sighed and he said my nameonce, like the ending to a plea. “Jen.”
“Please don’t,” I said.
“I can’t.”
“Please, Gil.”
“Please don’t ask me to. Please don’task me to be a bad person.”
“But it isn’t bad. I’m not yourdaughter. I’m just a girl.”
“A girl that I love.”
My heart soared and my pulse raced.“Gil--”
He held up a hand. “A girl I love andhave loved forever. Who I taught to fish and took to ball games. Fuck, I tuckedyou in at night and drove you to get your first box of tampons because--”
“Because my fucking mother wasn’t hereto do it!” I roared. “Because you were always here and she wasn’t! And you loveme because you love me and I’m all grown up now, dad! And
