She brought her phone into the bedroom and placed it on Adam’s nightstand. The sight of the bed they had shared seemed unbearably forlorn. Hannah sat down on the edge, partly so that she would not have to look at it any more.
She set out the pills that she needed to take and crawled under the covers. She picked up her book but it fell from her hands almost at once. Before she even had a chance to turn the bedside lamp off, she fell into a fitful, troubled sleep which felt, nonetheless, as if she had been sedated. Every noise woke her, and she would lie there unable to move, groggy and frightened, her heart pounding. And then sleep would tackle and subdue her again. But the feeling of fear and anxiety never left, not even in her dreams. When dawn’s light crept through the windows she opened her eyes, as tired as if she had been doing battle all night. Her limbs were leaden under the covers. She had made it through the first night, although the night had seemed like a thousand hours.
This is not going to work, she thought, as she blinked her eyes against the day. This is not possible. If she tried to keep this up she would become like a sleep-deprived rat in an experiment. She was afraid to go out of the house and afraid to stay there. Hell, she was afraid to get out of the bed. She could feel depression weighing on her chest, and a combination of fear and futility that was like a cocktail guaranteed to induce paralysis.
More than anything, she wished that she could talk to Adam. But she had to face the consequences herself. If she called him, and told him how she felt, he would turn around and come running back. And that was not possible. He and Sydney needed to keep going. They needed to get far enough away. And she needed to find a way to deal with her situation.
For a while, she lay there, thinking, turning over her terrible options in her mind. She knew that sooner or later she was going to have to face Lisa’s wrath and accusations and, most likely, her dangerous intentions. After all, Lisa had already tried to kill her once. Sitting here waiting for the next attempt was unbearable. If it was going to happen, why not just face it? Bring it about and take the consequences. Anything would be better than this hellish uncertainty, this constant fear and trepidation. Hannah crawled out of bed and put on her bathrobe and a warm pair of socks. She picked up her phone from the nightstand, and sat down on the edge of the bed.
She scrolled through the saved numbers on her phone, and stopped at Lisa’s. Did she have the same number now? Probably not.
Hannah had canceled the service when they left Tennessee, knowing that they would have to exist with tracphones, so they could not be traced. She decided to try it anyway.
What will I say? she wondered. She didn’t know. She only knew that she could not stand living in fear in this limbo any longer. It was better to deal with what was going to come. She pressed Lisa’s old number and held the phone to her ear, her heart hammering. After a few moments, a voice came on the line. ‘The number you have reached has been changed.’
Hannah let out a sigh of despair. It had taken all her nerve to dial, and now she had no idea how to find her daughter’s number. She sat for a few minutes, holding the phone, and then, suddenly, she realized how she could get it. And resolve a heartbreaking problem as well. She was about to reveal herself to Lisa. Invite her to this confrontation. There was no reason to hide anymore.
She punched in an old, familiar number. It began to ring, and she held her breath. Pick it up, she thought. Please.
In the next moment, she heard a quavering voice say, ‘Hello.’
‘Mother?’ she said.
There was a gasp at the other end.
‘It’s me, Hannah,’ she said.
‘I know who it is,’ said Pamela.
‘Mother, I know you’re very angry at me. But I need to talk to you. I need your help.’
Pamela was silent at her end.
‘How are you, Mother? Are you OK?’
‘I’m perfectly fine,’ said Pamela, whose voice was growing more assertive by the moment. ‘No thanks to you.’
Hannah stifled a sigh. ‘Look, Mother, I don’t blame you for being furious. But I had my reasons for leaving like I did. I don’t expect you to understand . . .’
Pamela sniffed. ‘I do understand,’ she said. ‘I may be old but I’m not simple. You as much as told me what you planned to do. I don’t have to be hit over the head with it. I know you left because of Lisa. Although, to hear Lisa tell it, she is blameless in this whole mess.’
Hannah heard it loud and clear. The veiled challenge which demanded that she rise to the bait. Sorry, Mom, she thought. I can’t do it. ‘That’s what I called
