“We can make this work,” he pleaded.
“Sure. Of course.” Billi forced up a smile. It was the hardest thing she’d ever done. “When are you going?”
The relief was obvious. He seemed to grow right before her eyes. Had she been so great a burden? Had his life with her worn him down so much? How could she not have seen it? He was suddenly old Ivan again, the boy she’d first met in Moscow, full of life, full of pride and full of goodness. It seemed almost laughable, but it was anything but. Everyone nowadays was too cynical to believe in it. Ivan was a born hero.
“I’m not going to leave you in the middle of this mystery. We’ll deal with the Ouroboros Society first. I’ve had my people dig around and they have some useful information. Russia’s been busy in the Middle East for the last few years and I have a few contacts in Syria. Come over tomorrow and we’ll go through it, da?”
Didn’t he see he was just dragging it out? Didn’t he realise it would be easier to get on his plane tomorrow and just leave? But she wasn’t strong enough to do the right thing either. “Thanks.”
CHAPTER 14
She’d come straight after vespers, evening prayers. The other Templars could sort out dinner without her. She could have come earlier, but she’d spent all day trying to work out what to say, and hoping Ivan would make the first move. See if he had any ideas about how they might save their relationship.
Why couldn’t he have just made it easy and had a fling with Katiya? She was all but throwing herself at him. They would have shouted, they would have fought and they would have split and that would have been that.
But how could she take on Mother Russia?
Now, with the morning mist still hanging in the air Billi sat on her bike, drumming up the courage to cross the road. She’d fought fallen angels, demons, werewolves and goddesses and hardly paused to wipe the sweat from her brow but this? This was hard. She wasn’t sure she could handle the pain that would follow.
She still didn’t have a plan. No idea what she was going to say.
How do you break up with a prince?
I (F18) have been dating an actual prince (M19) for two years and he’s everything any girl could hope for. He’s devoted, brave, kind and goes out of his way to help others. Oh, and incredibly handsome and insanely rich. AITA to break up with him?
Yeah, put it like that…
Billi had gone around and around the block, slowing down at the entrance to Prince’s Mews, then speeding up again, too cowardly to make the entrance and have the talk.
The Talk.
She’d never thought she’d have to have it. What had she thought? That it was true love and it was going to be flowers, weddings and a bunch of kids at the end of it? She and Ivan in matrimonial bliss?
Was that what it was like for others? Did girls still scrawl ‘one day I’ll marry a prince’ in their diaries nowadays? Was she sabotaging something good just because she couldn’t let herself be happy? Too much of her childhood had been a misery, it had been Ivan who had made her laugh, made her go out and enjoy herself. Become another Billi, one that wasn’t all hardship and brooding. One that, unbelievably, had fun.
There was another option, and it was more terrifying than breaking up with Ivan.
Going with him.
Leaving her world, everything she knew, behind. Was that what was holding her back? The life of a Templar, all the horror, all the violence and pain, was that her comfort zone now? Any normal person, any sane person, wouldn’t think twice. They’d have their bags packed and ticket ready for the first flight to Moscow. Here Billi was a Knight Templar, she mattered. Over there? She was just Ivan’s foreign girlfriend who didn’t even speak Russian. She was afraid, that was the harsh truth. She was afraid of the damage it would do to her pride, to her sense of herself, to her self-importance. As if being a Templar was all she was.
Wasn’t it? What else was she, if not a Templar? What about the sacrifices she’d made?
He’d want me to be happy. He’d want me to take the big leap, the leap of faith.
To trust she and Ivan could make it work.
Wow, it could work, couldn’t it? She knew Latin, she spoke Arabic and a touch of Hebrew so why not Russian? Had she really tried to learn it in the last few years? Not really. Not properly.
Train Idres hard. Get him through the Ordeal. Have him replace you at the table. He wants this more than you do. Did you really want this life?
Go with Ivan.
She was actually shaking. Scared of what that meant. How would the other knights take it? How would her dad? She’d sworn, made oaths, but she’d been a child when she’d made those promises. This was her chance to break free of the dark world she’d been raised in. This was her chance to stand in the sunlight.
Now she sat on her bike upon the cobbles, across from Ivan’s house in one of South Kensington’s hidden mews. His car was parked outside and the curtains were pulled back. He was in. Billi felt for the keys with trembling fingers.
This is it. Tell him that you choose him.
Billi rang the buzzer. “Ivan? It’s me.”
She turned her hand into a fist to stop it shaking. She could hardly breathe and her heart rate was heading off the chart. Why was she so scared?
Fighting demons is easier than this.
She rang the buzzer again. “Ivan?”
Was he out? At the gym or a run around Kensington Gardens? The Firebird didn’t open till midnight.
Damn it. Now what?
Text him?
