‘Well, sometimes I don’t want to eat and I know that must mean these head demons are doing something to my brain because I love food. Sometimes I don’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning because I feel like my brain is constantly thinking. When I get really bad I feel dizzy, I can almost feel the blood pumping around my body. It’s as if I can hear my own heart skip a beat.’
‘OK, Scarlett. So first of all I want to tell you that you are very brave for opening up like that. I know that it isn’t easy. But I can’t tell you enough that you are not alone; other people feel like this. You have an anxiety and panic attack disorder. Now I will talk through how we can help you. I would like to offer you the chance to chat to somebody, maybe do some cognitive behavioural therapy before we just prescribe medication, although there is medication for it.’
I was lucky that the doctor was so understanding. I came out with so many leaflets. Things I could do online, forums to chat to other people who were going through the same thing, exercises both physical and mental that I could do, meditation and mind space apps. I was just relieved that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t a bad person for thinking these things.
I went home and chatted about it with my mam and dad. No one’s parents want their kids to feel this way, and they were constantly trying to reassure me, especially while we were filming. Now part of me thought should I be stopping Gogglebox, would that make me better? But I loved doing it. I couldn’t let these head demons stop me from doing what I loved.
‘I can manage this, can’t I?’ I said to my mam and dad.
‘Of course you can, don’t let anxiety stop you from enjoying life.’
Now, that is easier said than done, I know, and some days I still struggle with getting out of the front door. But speaking to family, friends and the doctor really helps. The first initial conversation is the hardest but I promise it gets easier.
Yes, I still have dark days; yes, I still have panic attacks, but as in life you have to take the rough with the smooth. I find exercise helps me and if I am worried about something, even the tiniest of things, I talk about it with my family straight away so that I’m not coping on my own.
See, I used to get so anxious watching the news for Gogglebox. (I once even physically fainted when we watched an item about Ebola – silly head demons.) I used to dread watching it on the television; actually I still sit in dread and fear when I turn on the news. I don’t know what’s happening to the world right now but there is so much hate. I would get myself really worked up about what sort of world we are creating for people like my little sister or even for my future children. But then my auntie Kirsty told me a quote by American TV personality Fred Rogers:
‘When I was a child and I would see scary things
in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the
helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember
my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by
realising that there are still so many helpers – so many
caring people in this world.’
This quote has changed my whole outlook on life and although I still sit in heartbreak watching the news, I now focus on the helpers.
Chapter Thirteen
SCARLETT MO’FAT TO SCARLETT NO’FAT
The War of the Worlds radio drama was first aired on Sunday 30 October 1938. It became famous for allegedly causing mass panic as people thought aliens were really attacking, although the scale of the panic is disputed as the programme had relatively few listeners.
Elvis Presley was rumoured to be a fan of the ‘Sleeping Beauty Diet’, a diet where a person is sedated for days at a time. The reasoning behind the diet was that a sleeping person wouldn’t eat.
Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980.
As Gogglebox was just a hobby, and in all honesty television was never something I could imagine in my wildest dreams could be a full-time occupation, I always had a job whilst filming. One day I got a random email asking me to go in for an interview to cover a maternity position. It wasn’t just any job, it was one of my dream jobs. I was about to become a breakfast radio presenter. The hours sucked arse; I walked to work as students were leaving clubs, owls were twit-twooing and McDonald’s wasn’t even serving breakfast yet, but I loved it. Getting to sit on one of those tall radio swivel chairs (every morning I had to get a bunk-up from my co-presenter as it was so high), feeling like the dog’s bollocks with my headphones on, getting to chat and listen to music for a living. I mean I had to pinch myself every time I signed myself into work. However, I did think I would be able to rock up in a onesie with my hair in a scruffy bun every day, but now everything has gone digital we recorded a lot of the show so I still had to make an effort and actually brush my hair.
I was in a trio for Capital North East: ‘Bodg, Matt and Scarlett’. I instantly clicked with Bodg
