“Come in, Rod.”
I open the door and sit on the bed next to where she’s stretched out. “What’s going on, little bird? Why are you hiding up here all alone?”
“I’m not hiding. My energy gets zapped quickly these days, so I need more frequent cat naps. A thirty-minute nap a couple of times a day isn’t too bad.” She manages a small smile, but I can’t help but notice the pallor of her skin or the additional weight she’s lost.
“What’s really going on, Jules? You never miss doing Christmas activities with Isa.”
She scoots up to lean her back against the head of the bed. “Rod, I was trying to wait until after this trip so it wouldn’t ruin the holidays, but you’re like a dog with a bone and won’t quit. I’m choosing to have a life of quality over the quantity of my remaining days. My treatments were becoming less and less effective. If the lethal cocktails were actually helping, I’d keep taking them. But they’re barely keeping the cancer at bay. In fact, I’m actually a little worse after each round. I’m on a break before the next cycle begins, but I’ve already decided against taking it.”
For a moment, I’m stunned speechless. My little sister is giving up, refusing to fight for her life. She’s ready to throw in the towel and accept her premature death. How can she expect me to accept that decision?
“No. No, you’re not. You’re too young to give up. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Not to mention Isa’s. Look, I won’t even pretend to know how much chemotherapy sucks, but there’s too much life left to live for you to make this decision now.” I’m rambling, stumbling over my words, and repeating myself because I can’t think straight.
“You’re right, on all accounts, but it’s not up to me. The cancer is winning this time, no matter how hard I fight against it or how strong my will to live is. I’ve had to make the worst decision, one I never imagined I’d face at twenty-five. Either I spend the next few months sick all the time and die anyway, or I enjoy the time I have left without the medications that make me want to curl up and die.”
Her words are like a knife rammed straight into my chest. When I can’t stand it anymore, I jump to my feet and pace the room, racking my brain for a middle ground solution. One where she lives without the toll the powerful drugs take on her body and mind. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know my little sister would’ve already found that solution if it existed.
But I’m a selfish bastard, and I can’t release the sliver of hope that has sustained me. Juliana has to be around to watch her daughter grow to become like the beautiful young lady I raised as my own. She hasn’t found her forever love yet. I haven’t walked her down the aisle and given her away to a good man who’ll take care of her in my place. All the dreams and expectations I’ve set for her future will never be realized if we give up now. If she quits on me, I don’t know how she expects me not to give up on life.
Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. She was supposed to break the chain.
When my desperation brings me back to her side, I drop to the floor beside her bed and fight to keep my emotions from speaking for me. “Jules, there has to be another way. Something different the doctors can try, like clinical trials they can get you into, or promising new experimental treatments. Anything. I’ll take anything that doesn’t involve giving up. I’m sorry, little bird, because I know this request makes me a terrible person, asking you to keep suffering to save me. But I’ve never been the type who folds when the chips are down, and I can’t help but believe we’re giving up too soon. Please.”
She narrows her eyes and pulls her lower lip between her teeth. When she tilts her head to the side and fingers the necklace she gave me all those years ago, a little hope fills my heart. She’s considering my pleas, remembering our life together, and what she said when she gave me the little bird pendant that never leaves my neck. “You’re right, Rod. After this break, I’ll talk to the oncologist again and see if we can come up with a better treatment regimen.”
“Promise? You’re not just telling me that to pacify me until we get home?”
“I promise, I’ll keep trying. But you have to give me something in return.”
“Anything, Jules. Name it.”
“While I’m on this break between cycles, stop treating me as if I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Granted, I need more rest than usual, but I already have a nurse coming here from her hotel room, checking on me every day. Just treat me like I’m normal, the same as everyone else. When I think I’m close to breaking, I’ll tell you. Until then, stop treating me like I’m already broken.”
“You drive a hard bargain, but I know when I’m beaten. We’ll go back to sparring in the ring, practicing our karate kicks on each other’s heads, and grappling on the mats. No mercy for you, little girl.”
“Very funny, Rod. You know exactly what I mean. But thank you for trying, in your own special way, to stop acting like I have one foot in the grave.” She rolls her eyes at me, but I don’t miss the change in her smile. It actually reaches her eyes now.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way. That’s not what I think, but it is my worst fear. Maybe I overcompensate sometimes to make sure that never happens.”
She covers my hand with hers. “I understand,
