“All will be well, Haven, I promise.”
I can’t help but smile at Lucius, still bathed in heavenly light as we walk out of the church doors. “I hope you’re right, Spartacus.”
PART TWO FIN
Chapter Seven Saying Goodbye
M y God, I can’t believe what I was about to do. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. My hands become slick with sweat, as I stare at the gun on the floor near my feet. I wipe my hands on my jeans and take a shaky breath.
I used to pray all the time, for God to give me a reprieve from my situation. I begged him to send someone to save me. I began to think he was deaf to my prayers, or he just didn’t care because nothing ever changed. I was still stuck with my dad, and he was still mean as hell. Now I see, he did answer my prayers. He sent me the Hollocks, but I pushed them away. It was my choice. He did not ask it of me. He gave me what I needed, and I threw it away. Again, today he has given me what I need. This time I won’t be so short sided.
I stand from the church pew, where I just sobbed for the loss of the only family I have ever known. I grieve the loss of the girl I will always love, even though, I know she was never meant to be mine. I still can’t stop myself from loving her, I never could. I haven’t cried in years, not since the day I decided that I could not be friends with Haven, anymore. From the first day I met her, I had this compulsive need to protect her. It made no sense. She lived in this beautiful bubble. The worst thing that could happen to her was she, would lose her dessert. She was so free in her innocence. I never wanted anything to change that. The day she saw me in the woods all battered and bruised, the look on her face broke my heart. I knew in an instant that if we stayed friends, I would be the one to burst the perfect bubble she lived in. I should have given her more credit. I should have known she was stronger, but to this day I can still remember that look on her face. It was so full of panic, fear and hurt. I could almost believe the beating had happened to her and not me. That’s when I decided I would not let my filthy life contaminate her immaculate one.
I cried for a few hours that night. But, somewhere in the night I convinced myself that I needed to toughen up. There would be other girls and other friends, but Haven would be better off without me. The tears dried up as my convictions solidified like a concrete wall. I thought I was doing the right thing, and nothing would sway me. The weird thing is along with my convictions it felt like my heart turned to concrete also. I honestly thought I lost the ability to cry, to feel anything deeply. I am not really close to any of my friends. The only weak spot I had was Haven. She was the only person that could make me feel or hurt me. Every time my dad would rage at me, threaten me, hit me, I just felt dead inside. I stopped crying for my dad many years ago. Ever since then, I have felt this brutality growing inside me, just below the surface. I know it’s there waiting to be set free. I have prayed for years for God to take it away. I have always feared it, this force that exists in me. I have always thought that if I lost my restraint, even a little, even once, it would take over and turn me into my dad.
I can’t explain what just happened to me, and I would sound crazy if I tried to tell anyone what I saw. But I know it was real. I felt warmth and calm, in the middle of the rampaging grief and anger, that was about to steal my life. I saw flashes of light, and in the light, there was this colossus, warrior angel. I looked into his eyes, and I saw what I was meant to do. I saw that the fury, the barely restrained violence in me has a purpose; I have a purpose. I saw a world I barely recognized filled with so much death and destruction that I gasped in horror. I tried to close my eyes to get away from what I was seeing, but I could not escape it. Then I saw her, a woman with long dark hair, she was running through the forest, I only saw the back of her, but I knew I was meant to help her. Images of faces flashed before me so quickly, I would not recognize any of them if I saw them now. But I know these people are my mission. They are all people I am supposed to save.
With slightly trembling hands, I bend down and pick up the gun. I put the safety on, shove it in between my belt and the back of my pants, and tuck it under my shirt. As I turn to leave the church, I see Mrs. Taylor, standing in the doorway to the church office. I am not sure if she saw me pick up the gun, but for a second, she is frozen in place. I make eye contact, and she snaps out of it, suddenly rushing towards me.
“Oh Fin, sweetheart…How are you holding up? “
She wraps her arms
