“My mother used to tell me that I was hard to love, that I was more a parent than I was a child, and I never understood what she meant, until you. You are more like me and it scares me.”
“Scares you?”
“Yes,” she nods, “I’m not the best to be like. I am irrational, I like to be in complete control, and I would rather do things on my own regardless if asking for help would make it easier.”
I am all of those things.
“I’m weak in the sense that my happiness relies on others.” She takes my hand, “and when I feel like I’m not needed, I hide myself away.”
Dad has always told me that Mother was the glue to our family, that she brought everyone together, and fought to keep them safe.
“I let you be because I didn’t want to take away your control and I fucked up.” She says, “I’m on your side, Ivy. There’s nothing you could say or do that would change that. I would do everything I can to keep you safe and I would do it gladly.”
“You didn’t fuck up.” I shake my head. “I just always felt like maybe I was a mistake.”
She laughs, a deep melodic sound, and I feel my lips curling up in response.
“You weren’t planned,” she chuckles, “but when I found out I was carrying a piece of your father inside of me, I was so fucking excited. I could see a child with his endless patience, complete acceptance, and loving nature. I couldn’t see a child like me and to be honest, I hoped like hell you would be nothing like me.”
“Why?”
“There are many things you don’t know,” she smiles, “and between your father and I, he is the good one, so pure. Then you were born and even in labour you did things your own way, you came a month early, and when doctors were telling me to hunker down for a long labour, you said fuck that. You were born within twenty minutes of my water breaking.”
I smile because my mother has never taken the time to tell me all these things.
“You came out and the doctor told me I had a girl, I could feel the fear rush through me.” She nods. “It was like I knew you before I even met you. I knew at that moment, I just had my greatest achievement but you would also be my most complicated task. I was scared when he put you in my arms and your eyes opened, so much like mine. Your face was all me and it solidified it when you stared at me and squawked. Not a cry, more like a yell. The doctors and your father laughed but I was fucking petrified.”
She pulls me in and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight. I breathe in her scent and feel her rapid heartbeat against my ear.
“I was petrified because I knew there would be no other that I could love more and even though you were everything I feared, I was still completely at your mercy. I wanted you to grow into your own, to be the greatest you could be, and I couldn’t be prouder, Ivy. You are strong and you are so much more than I could ever be.” She pulls away and looks down at me, “but I will always be behind you, watching you succeed, and destroying anything that tries to harm you.”
Her words are everything I needed to hear and I wrap my arms around her, finally letting her in.
“I’m sorry about Charlotte.” I whisper.
“So am I, baby,” she kisses my head, “but no matter how hard you try, you can’t save everyone.”
“I screwed up at Johnstone Academy.” I sniff.
“I see it like a necessary screw up, although I still want to kill that teacher, but it brought you home.”
“I’ll try to be a better person.”
“Live your life and learn along the way, that’s the only thing I can tell you. To me, you are perfect but my opinion doesn’t matter, the only opinion that matters is your own. I will always be here to help you, if you need it.”
“Thank you, Mom.”
She kisses the top of my head and stands, “I need to now have a talk with Saxon and explain that telling his teacher she should lose weight is not helpful.”
I snort loudly and we both begin to laugh. She leaves my room and as much as I wish I felt lighter, I don’t. I still have to figure out Dean and now I have Mr. O’Connor and his creepy boyfriend to deal with.
It’s Thursday and a huge storm has cancelled race night at the strip. As much as that pisses me off, it’s nothing near to how I’m feeling about Neil ghosting me yet again. I texted him a few times over the week and got no reply. So, if I see him around town, he’s getting a fucking kick in the dick.
Bright side to this week? Mr. O’Connor and Mr. Pratt have taken a vacation. It eases a bit of the stress that’s been threatening to completely overwhelm me and Neil’s attitude is just the cherry on top.
“Hey, hey.” Aunt Adri strides into math class. Right... downside? Principal Greene has taken over teaching this class until a substitute is found.
She starts with attendance and then assigns us a chapter to review for an upcoming test.
“Do you find it strange that Mr. O’Connor has just disappeared?” A girl to my left asks a guy sitting beside her.
“Who cares? The guy was beyond creepy and all you females were heated for him.”
He’s not wrong.
The final bell rings and everyone stands to pack away their things.
“Have a good evening everyone.” Aunt Adri calls out as students fly out of the classroom.
I slowly make my way to the front, waiting for the kids to all leave,
