I nod.
"She was prescribed Oxycodone for the days the pain became unbearable."
I drop my chin to my chest and groan, I don't want to lie to him.
"Yes, Charlotte brought me that pill." I lift my head and look at him. "If you're asking me if she had a problem my truthful answer is that I have no idea. She was only here every other weekend."
"Okay." It's his turn to nod me on.
"I had a problem at that age, though, I was drinking and smoking a lot of marijuana. Charlotte would join me in drinking but not the weed, until a few months before she died, she brought me that pill. She said she wanted to try it with me. We did it and I hated it. After that, it was never brought up again."
"Did her behaviour start to change? Was she angrier?" His questions begin to stir feelings in me that I've tried to suppress.
"We fought more." I tell him. "She wanted... certain things."
"What things?"
I feel the first tear drop and hit my kilt, the wet patch spreading. "Charlotte claimed to be in love with me."
"Seriously?"
"Yes," I shake my head, "I didn't feel the same. We were fooling around and for me, it was just fun but for her, it was real."
"Charlotte was a lesbian?"
"Am I a lesbian, too?" I raise my brow and smile when he looks confused. "I don't know what she was, Neil. We didn't discuss that."
"Okay." He looks more confused than when we started and I feel sorry for him.
"I think I should go now." I stand from the bed.
"Okay." He says again and leads me out of his room.
As I walk by Charlotte's door, I run my hand along the wood, and tell her I miss her. No matter how things ended, she will always be my best friend.
We get to the front door and I pull on my boots, then my jacket.
"Thanks for having me." I tell him and reach for the door handle.
"Wait," his hand lands on my arm and he pulls me into his arms. His finger lifts my chin and he's staring down into my eyes, "can I kiss you?"
I nod and almost swoon, it'll never get old, him asking for permission.
His lips gently connect with mine and he tightens his hold on me, our bodies pressing closer. When my chest begins to squeeze, I pull back, and smile up at him. It's not that I don't want to kiss him, I do, I just can't let it go further, and the longer his mouth is on mine, the surer I am that it will.
"Thanks for checking on me." He kisses my cheek and I nod as I step outside.
When the door shuts behind me, I find it easier to fill my lungs with air and calm myself from the panic attack I could feel coming on. I head to my car and pull out of his driveway. I feel sad for Neil but I'm hoping he can start to move on from obsessing over Charlotte and let her rest in peace.
I pull up to a stop sign and watch as a police cruiser crosses the intersection in front of me. My blood begins to pound throughout my body, the sound ringing in my ears, and my mouth dries when I see it's Adam, his eyes laser onto my face.
He raises his pointer finger as he passes and I feel like it's a bullet straight to my heart, then nausea is coursing its way up my throat. I only move when his vehicle is completely out of sight and I can't even remember how I got home, ending up back in my bed.
I'm back at square one.
I let myself have the weekend to wallow, even avoiding Carmelo and his begging to come see me. He has a fight coming up next weekend and he wants me there. After the last one, I'm not even wanting to think of a fight night, and I know what happened isn't his fault, but it's hard to separate the two right now.
It's Monday and I am back at school, I'm hit with a sudden hunger. I head to the cafe to grab something to eat because I never eat breakfast. As soon as I step in, the collective scent of different foods sends me into a bad case of nausea and bile burns its way up my throat.
I race back out and head all the way back down the hall, getting as far away as I can. I take a few cleansing breaths and try to ease the rolling of my stomach. I’m pretty sure I’m coming down with something and I don’t think I will make it through this day, on top of everything I can feel the beginnings of a fucking migraine, too.
I head to my Aunt Adri’s office and ask the secretary to call Mother, telling her I don’t feel well.
“You do look a bit green, honey.” The secretary states as she calls my mother.
After assuring Mom that I can drive home, I head outside and run into Amelia on her way in.
“Leaving?” She asks.
“I don’t feel so great, I think I’m coming down with the flu.”
I continue to walk without listening to what she says, just wanting to get home, and curl up in my bed. As soon as I’m in the car, my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“You’re sick?”
“Neil?” I ask, sounding so stupid because obviously it’s Neil.
“Yeah, baby.” He sounds so good and I miss him so much. “Do you need anything?”
“Can you come be with me today?” I know I sound like a baby but I want someone to take care of me.
“Yeah, I’ll be by in a bit. You want some soup?”
The thought of food makes me want to gag, “no.”
“I’ll see you in a bit.” And then he hangs up.
It must be all the fucking stress I’m under lately, making me sick and fucking tired.
The doorbell rings and
