I almost sighed.
I was afraid to move. What would he say?
The heat from his body nearly melted me into a blissful state. I had an urge to share pieces of my emotions with Caedryn. He didn’t bother reading me with his light, so I kept my emotions to myself.
What would he do if I shared my content? I wanted to.
Before I decided, Caedryn unwrapped my arm from himself, and he slid out of the covers.
I frowned.
Last night had been a failure.
He looked down at me. His face held no expression.
I died.
What was he feeling? Irritation grew inside me. I shared my light with him the entire night, and he had shared nothing! I threw the covers back and rose to my knees to meet him at his eye level.
I opened my mouth to snap at him. I wanted answers.
“I’ve decided something,” he said.
As I arched an eyebrow, I shut my mouth.
He continued to scrutinize me.
I wanted to scream. Just say it!
I swung my legs around, and my feet hit the floor. I pushed off the bed and advanced on him. “You kissed me as if you wanted to consume my very being. Then pulled away. You shocked me so much I couldn’t even face you.”
He smiled.
“You were angry when I came home late. You hate that I touched you. That I dared touch you.”
His pupils scanned the features of my face, from my eyes down to my lips.
He was still smiling.
“And you say you’ve decided something,” I said. “That’s all you have to say!”
He chewed his bottom lip. This was the first time he’d done such a thing. I didn’t know why he was nervous.
“I’ve decided you make me happy,” he said.
My mouth dropped open. I had expected a more dramatic revelation. I dismissed him with a wave and whirled away. As I rounded the corner of the bed, his hand slipped into mine.
I froze, gripping the bedpost.
I didn’t consider that his words were a dramatic revelation for him. He’d stayed awake all night thinking of the perfect line, the ideal way to express how he feels about me.
I make him happy.
I smiled, but I didn’t turn around while I basked in the feel of his hand firmly pressed into mine and in the gentle tug as he attempted to pull me to himself.
My heart danced.
His hand was warm, sure.
“Do you know what I want?”
“No,” he said.
“More.”
“More?”
“I’m not sure what we’re doing here,” I grumbled. “Teasing each other. Testing each other. Revealing ourselves, but not all of ourselves.”
“I can give you only so much. Any more and I’d frighten you away.”
“You’ve already frightened me. You’ve already lied to me. You proclaim your deceptive nature as though you’re proud of it.”
“It is well ingrained in me,” he said.
“You act as though you don’t want to change.”
“I can’t.”
“Would you change for me?” I pleaded with my eyes.
His pupils flicked back and forth, studying the depths of my eyes. “Niawen. You’re maddening.”
“Share yourself with me.” I wanted to reach out, grab his arms, and pull him into myself.
Caedryn dragged his hands down his face. “You don’t know what you ask.”
“You’ve as good as dangled your secrets in my face. Flaunted your dark side.” I poked him in the chest.
Caedryn grabbed my hand and held it steady against his chest. His breathing was shallow, and his heart beat rapidly.
“Four ways to bond. I want you to give me one,” I said.
“Niawen. You don’t know what this will do.”
“You’ve bonded with no one, correct? Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually?”
“Uh…”
I pulled my hand off his chest. “You told me no one before.”
“I forgot about the emotional bond.”
“You would know if you had one.”
“I had one with Empress Rhianu, then.”
“Of course you did.”
“It’s broken now, trust me.”
I raked my hair back from my forehead. I was becoming more frustrated by the second. I don’t care about his past. I want to know the man standing right before me. I blurted my words before I could regret them or talk myself out of saying them. “I bond with you mentally. Do you accept me?”
Tension flooded the room.
I saw Caedryn’s face work as he processed his thoughts. What I wouldn’t give to be in his mind. Say it. Say it.
“Yes,” he whispered. “I bond with you mentally. Do you accept me?”
“Yes,” I said.
A plug had been pulled. I moaned as blinding anxiety cleared. A field of clarity opened before me.
We were bonded.
I’d be able to hear him.
He could hear me.
It felt like an incomplete victory.
I didn’t want to look at him.
I turned away. “You decide when you’re ready to bond physically.” I stormed out of the room.
FIFTY-SIX
I leaned against the back of the metal tub and rubbed the cloth down my arms. I felt smug and satisfied. Yet so vexed. It wasn’t as if I had tricked Caedryn into the mental bond. Though making progress with him felt good, I didn’t like how the moment had unfolded.
I had ruined the perfect calm from his announcement.
You make me happy, he had said.
Oh, Deian. And I told him that deciding when to bond physically was up to him. Oh no! What was I thinking? We were moving too fast.
I was being too greedy.
What would our bond do to him?
You make me crazy! I screamed my words at him, knowing he’d hear them.
I reviewed the spine-tingling milestones in my life. Every victory I had. Every failure. Every big step. Looking into Aneirin’s soul. Jumping off the ledge. Meeting my first
