Toya and I still have the same friendship we had before the madness ofIdol. Toya has my back and I have hers. I never had a sister, and so she does all the things that a sister would do. Toya has been through some things similar to me, like dropping out of school, and she, too, is only twenty-one years old. When we are together now we can talk about God and her experience with church. Toya and I have laughed and cried together. Toya is my “dog.” She is so strong and I admire her. She has recently gone back to school.
I will never forget that duringIdol, Toya called me and said, “Dang, dog, you are doing your thing on TV.” She wanted to tell me that because I was doin’ my thing, she was doing hers by goin’ back to school.
Although Toya can be ghetto and loud, she is very smart and her daughter Shnaya thinks she is the best mama ever. Being with Toya just keeps me knowing where I come from, without shame. I am proud of where I come from when I am with Toya. I salute her. We have growntogether, not apart.
As you can see all of my friends except for my brother are women. I think that is true for most women. I guess it is still very hard for me to trust men. I think trust is hard for most of the women I have known in my life. Many of the people I know have not had good male role models in our lives or any decent romantic relationships, for that matter. Many of us have had our fathers abandon our families, and our mothers are full of hate toward the men who left them. If the men stayed around they were cheatin’ on their wives or not even marrying the mothers of their children at all. Seein’ all these things has trained many women to choose the wrong men, who always end up doin’ us wrong. It’s a bad cycle. It’s sad to say, but many of us don’t even know the difference between a good man and a bad one. We think that a good one is the one who can say the right things and looks the best. I have learned that words are cheap, and the things that men can say to us don’t mean anything without the actions that back them up. I keep trying to have a good relationship with men, and I now realize that trust is the main factor that is lacking in me and making my relationships hard.
But trusting people is the hardest thing to do because you never really know them until they have shown their feelings with their actions. Actions always speak louder than words. And actions still can never tell the whole story. That’s another reason that life is not a fairy tale. You just have to live it and trust in God to put you in the right place and the right time with the right person.
Honestly, this is one of the hardest lessons that I need to learn and I’m still workin’ on it. But I just keep tryin’ and everyone I meet who disappoints me just makes me stronger and able to see more clearly the next time. It’s not easy. As I told you, I fall in love easily—but I’m more choosy now, and that’s a good thing.
You just have to keep God’s love at the center of your heart. And if one person disappoints you, you have to keep lovin’ until you meet the person who doesn’t disappoint you. If you stay mad at all the people who have wronged you, you will not be able to open up your heart to someone new and receive what they have for you—which may be what you want. Women like us, who have been though a lot, truly deserve to get what we are looking for. We too need our props.
MY MOMENT OF
FAITH:WHAT I LEARNED
My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
PSALMS73:26
Be your own friend.
If God is for you, who could be against you?
While I am givin’ props, I just have to give props to the following singers who have inspired me in so many ways.
New Singers
Tweet—I admire her voice. She has the voice of a songbird. She has a song like no other.
Beyoncé—Beyoncé is very creative. She has one of those voices that stand out and you know it’s her. You hear one of her songs and you know, “That’s B!”
India. Arie—India has such a soulful voice and beautiful voice control. I love her subjects and how she looks at life and the way she expresses her feelings in all her songs. And I love her style!
Gospel
Kierra “Kiki” Sheard—Kiki is a sixteen-year-old gospel singer. She reminds me a lot of me because she started when she was young too. She is the daughter of one of the gospel Clark Sisters. Kiki is an anointed little girl and I love her. She is simply a baad, anointed sister. She is a“baad mamma jamma!” She’s hot!
Divas
Angela Bassett—She is so beautiful.
Mo’Nique—She is a big woman and a good role model for me because she knows that she is fine and she doesn’t care what anybody thinks.
