1PETER 1:24
These are things to tell yourself:
I am worthy of true love.
I can truly make a man happy in other ways besides sex.
I am somebody’s mother, and my children need to be proud to tell other people, “That is my mama.”
I am proud of myself and I want to look like it.
Lastly, tell yourself: I am going to shed those hootchie mama clothes to be the woman that I am becoming today.
10.Keep
ItReal
Ihave some thingsthat I need to get off my chest. Writing this book has been a powerful and emotional experience for me because it freed me to remember the things that have been too painful for me to remember clearly or even talk about. Everything in this book has made me who I am, so at this point, I am feelin’ all kinds of things. I am feelin’ proud, accomplished, and afraid of what will happen to me now that I have kept it real. And I feel ashamed about many of the things that I have done. Being in the public eye is a hard place to keep it real. Most people have a hard enough time just keepin’ it real within their own home with family and friends. Keepin’ it real for the whole world to see is scary. But as my grandma says, “The truth shall set you free.” I am ready to be free.
Some of these memories have been difficult to deal with, but I feel like I am a better person for sharing them with the world and getting all of my secrets out once and for all.
But while I’ve shared everything that I’ve been through, there are still a few things I need to say or I would not be totally real in tellin’ my story.
Why is it so hard for people to keep it real? I don’t know about yours, but my life has been filled with secrets. My personal secrets and my family secrets have come to haunt me throughout the years. Growin’ up, I remember there were so many unanswered questions and mysteries in our house. Why is Rico’s last name Washington and not Barrino? Why do my parents sleep in separate bedrooms? What was behind what happened to Aunt Rayda? Why did I need to hide the fact that I can’t read very well? Why did Zion’s daddy abandon her? Why did my father cheat on my mother? Why did my grandpa Neil beat my grandma? Seeking the answers to these questions has been difficult. No one ever wanted to talk about these things. But the unanswered questions have inspired me to look for truth in everything I do. That is one of the reasons for this book. Many of the answers to those questions have been found, and some require a little more exploration, but what remains the truth of these secrets is that beneath all of them, there lies a sticky mess calledshame.
Take it from me, shame is a terrible thing to live with. It’s the thing that keeps our heads down. It’s the reason our baby daddies leave us. It’s the reason my drunken grandfather hit his wife. Shame is the reason I couldn’t read. It’s my own shame and that of others who were too scared to say it out loud. It’s my shame of not saying, “I’m having a difficult time reading.” It’s my teachers’s shame in not admitting that their student couldn’t read. It’s the principal’s shame in not wanting to admit that his teacher passed a student who couldn’t read, and on and on and on. This shame is the reason that today I live with the secret of my illiteracy. But it is a secret no more. And my heart races just thinkin’ about what this fact will mean to my future. The only other option would be to keep coverin’ it up. Keep fakin’ it. Keep makin’ up excuses like “I didn’t have time to look over the contract” or “I didn’t know how to get there, so you should come get me” or “I left my license at home, you have to drive.” I have had enough of keepin’ secrets to hide my shame, and although it will be hard when all the secrets of my life come out, I will finally be free. I am ready.
When I first started getting into music, the phrase “keep it real” was all around me in the secular music that we all grew up listening to. It was in hip-hop songs referring to being real to the grittiness of your neighborhood and true to your race and true to the ghetto. In R&B it was about being true to someone who you loved. In jazz it was about being true to your instrument and not watering down the free-flow sound of “real” jazz. In rock, it was about keeping it loud and hard and strong. The realness of music took my heart. Music was the place other than church that I found peace.
My grandmother always taught us to be honest and truthful. She used to say you have to tell the truth even if you are right or wrong. That has stayed with me. And now, even though I have been wrong so many times in my life, I’m ready to keep it real with myself and the world. I hope that this inspires you to do the same thing in your own life. It’s the only way to really live.
I have written a lot about High Point. I haven’t said too many good things about it, but I’m tellin’ the truth. High Point is my home, and I’m proud that my picture is the welcoming point for entering the city. I feel that it is OK that I say those things becauseI was there. A lot of young people in High Point are depressed. That is the truth. They wouldn’t say it, if you asked them
