Guilt gnawed at my insides and climbed into the deep recesses of my mind conjuring images I’d tried hard to forget these last two years. Closing my eyes, I tried to shut out the sounds and images that haunted me. The sounds of explosions all around me, bullets whizzing by my head, and the smell of dirt embedded in my nose as I ducked for cover. I could hear my men yelling in the background, but I was rooted to the spot, unable to move or speak.
When a hand landed on my shoulder, I nearly decked the person who was touching me. It took several seconds for me to realize I was on a boat in the Balearic Sea and not in the Middle East.
“Fuck, dude, you need to lay off the coffee,” Scout quipped as he ducked away from my fist.
“Yeah.” I gave a shaky laugh, trying to play it off. “I’ve had one too many cups this morning.” I tried to smile over at him while he poured his own cup of coffee and knew I failed when the corners of his mouth tipped down.
He took a step toward me but stopped when I held my hand up. “Don’t lie, man. Are you okay?”
Hanging my head, I picked at the skin around my fingernail as I spoke. “As good as I can be after finding out a friend of mine died.”
“Damn, is there anything I can do? Do you need—”
“I just need time.” I stopped him. “Once you and Owen have everything clean, your day is yours. I’m going to...go clear my head. I’ll let you know if I don’t plan on coming back tonight.”
“If you want company or to talk—”
“I won’t,” I interrupted again. The only person I wanted to talk to was Tyler, and that wasn’t going to happen ever again. “I appreciate the offer, but trust me when I say I need to be alone.”
Scout leaned over the table and laid a hand on my shoulder. “If that ever changes, I’m here for you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. It’s not my first loss…” A lump formed in my throat, and it took a few seconds to swallow it down. “I doubt it will be my last.”
“Fuck, man, that’s got to be tough. Leave your radio here so no one will bother you.”
“Thanks. I’ll let the Captain know I won’t be around, and I’m leaving you in charge.”
Not wanting to see the worry etched on his face, I grabbed my cup of coffee and poured it out in the sink. Grabbing my wallet in my room, I got off the boat before I ran into anyone else. I clearly wasn’t doing a very good job at hiding my emotions and wasn’t sure I could keep my composure if I was questioned anymore on whether I was okay.
Not knowing where I was going, I walked through the city without seeing its usual beauty. Instead, all I saw was sand, mud houses, and buildings that had seen better days. The salty air was replaced with smoke and death.
My conscience screamed at me that if I had stayed, maybe Tyler would be alive today, joking while lying on his cot in a tent in the Register Desert instead of six feet under in Georgia.
It didn’t matter that I knew my mental health would have deteriorated with each passing minute. All that mattered at that moment was Tyler.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it had to have been hours when I found myself at a beach I’d never been to. Shucking off my shoes and socks, I placed them on the ground before I waded into the water. The cool water was refreshing after walking for hours. I stood there looking at miles and miles of water and concentrated on the light sound of the waves lapping at the shore. Reminding myself I was far away from the desert and war. It was both a relief and terrifying at the same time.
What was I doing with my life?
I’d been running from my problems for the last two years and knew I couldn’t keep doing it. I needed to face my family and Damon’s wife and tell them I was responsible for his death. I knew if I didn’t, I’d never be able to climb out of the hole I’d dug myself into.
While there was nothing I could do about Stephanie until the season was over, I could reach out to my dad. But damn, was I scared to make that particular phone call.
Since I didn’t have an international calling plan, I came up with a plan of action. I’d find a hotel with free Wi-Fi close to port, book a room, let Scout know where I was, and then call my dad.
Not surprisingly, my footsteps were slow as I walked back the way I came. Now that I was more aware of my surroundings, I was shocked I’d walked so far in a daze. Something so unlike me since I’d been trained to observe my surroundings.
I almost went to get a few things but decided against it. I’d be fine with what I had on me. All I needed was my wallet and phone. Once close to the water, I found a small hotel, Brismar, and booked a room. It wasn’t anything special, but it had everything I needed for the night.
Sitting out on the balcony and looking out at the sea, I messaged Scout.
Remy: I’m going to stay at a hotel tonight. It’s close to port, so I’ll be onboard bright and early to help with anything that needs to be done before guests arrive.
Scout: Everything is done. Seas the Day is sparkling more now than the day she hit the water.
Remy: Good to hear. Thanks for picking up my slack today.
Scout: You slack? Your slacking is us on our best days.
Scout: If you decide you don’t want
