“I’ve missed you, boy. Thought about you every day and wondered where you were.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that to you.” I never wanted to cause my dad more pain.
“I know you didn’t, but it’s been hard not knowing where you were or how you were doing. After talking to you, I don’t think you were doing too good. I wish I’d been there to help you.”
“Me too, Dad. Me, too. My head’s been so lost in grief, I wasn’t thinking straight.” I closed my eyes and felt the tears run down my cheeks and into my ears. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Ones I’ll never be able to make up for.”
“You have nothing to make up for. I’m just happy you’re alive and safe. That’s all I could ask for. Never did I think you’d come back unscathed. Men never come back from war the same as when they left. All I want from you is for you to let go of your guilt and realize what I know.”
“What’s that?”
“That you did everything you possibly could to save Damon. I know you did. Just as I know, you’d do it for anyone around you. You’ve always had a heart of gold, wanting to help everyone around you, but the other side of that is you feel too much. Your heart feels so deeply. You have to know your own limitations because your life is just as important as everyone else.”
Hearing my dad say those words was hard to hear.
“You deserve to be happy, Son.”
He sniffed, and it broke my heart. How much suffering had he gone through because of me? I knew he worried about me when I was in the service, but I’d never thought about it once I was out. I’d been so selfish.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough for what I’ve put you through. I’m sorry, Dad. I really am.”
“I know you are, Son. Don’t worry about your old man. I’m resilient, but I worry about you. If you haven’t dealt with what happened…”
I hadn’t, and up until today, I hadn’t realized how much it had festered inside of me. I was thankful we didn’t have a charter full of guests because I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to handle today and my duties.
“I’m going to. I promise, but for now, I’ve got to keep my head on straight otherwise, my crew and the passengers could get hurt.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. You’re caring for others before yourself.”
“If someone were to get hurt or worse on my watch, it would only make my guilt escalate. There’s no helping that.”
It probably sounded like a copout to my dad, but it wasn’t. I already had so much death weighing on my shoulders, I couldn’t handle more without tipping over the edge and drowning.
“I can accept that. So, you’re coming home in two months?”
The hope in his voice would have brought me to my knees if I’d been standing.
“I am, and it can’t come soon enough. I’m sorry about the time. I hadn’t realized the time when I called.”
“Remy...I want you to know if you ever need to talk to me, you can always call me. I’ll accept the charges day or night.”
“Thanks, Dad. I don’t have an international plan, so I can’t make phone calls.”
“Where are you now then?”
“I got a hotel room for the night. I needed a break from the crew and to have my thoughts as my own for the day.”
“It’s good to see you’re putting yourself first, at least for today.”
“I’m going to try to do more of that when I can. That’s not as often as I need, but I’ll make do. Hearing your voice has done wonders. Knowing you…” I couldn’t finish.
“I would never think that of you. It kills me you thought that. I love you, Remy. More than anything. Even though you’re a man now, you’re still the most important person in the world to me.”
“I love you too, Dad. I should have…”
“But you reached out now, and that’s all that matters.”
How he knew what I was going to say, I had no idea. I wish I could blink my eyes and be standing in his yard in Florida.
He yawned loudly. Looking at the clock, I realized we’d been on the phone for almost two hours talking and catching up on everything. It was some of the hardest and best hours of my life.
“I should let you get some sleep.”
“I don’t mind. I’d lose as much sleep as needed to know you’re okay.”
“I am, or I will be, and I promise to keep in touch. After the next charter, I should have another day off. In the meantime, we can email if you want.”
“Of course, I do. I finally have my son back.”
Damn, he was killing me.
“Grab a paper and pen, and I’ll give you my email. I looked when I got here, and this damn hotel room doesn’t have a pad of paper, or I’d write yours down. Once you email me, I’ll have yours. We do have Wi-Fi on the boat, so there’s that.”
After a few more minutes of me telling my dad I’d call him on my next break, which would probably be in a week, we got off the phone. Getting up, I walked back out to the balcony and sat in one of the chairs as I watched the sunset.
My heart was lighter after I hung up. I knew it would still be hard to face Tyler’s parents and Damon’s wife and child, but it wouldn’t be as hard as it was to reach out to my dad. I also knew they might not be as forgiving as my dad, but I’d take that chance. I knew I needed to face my demons head-on from here on out. And maybe, just
