The cove was empty, still and quiet, no voices, only the gentle waves bubbling on to the sand. Jenna relished the peace after the last couple of weeks of being surrounded by people intent on knowing every detail about her life, her past, her relationships. Her taste of fame was not what she’d been dreaming about since drama school. It wasn’t Oscar-worthy, scene-stealing fame, but fame for seemingly hooking up with someone who actually was famous. She ploughed across the sand, giving herself time to think. She could choose the reality TV route and the potential of what it might lead to – a bigger profile and better roles. There were possibilities that was for sure, but would it be worth it? What if it backfired and messed up her acting career? What if she ended up selling out for money and fame rather than knuckling down and working hard to gain roles because of her talent? Or her looks?
She sat down and wrapped her arms around her bare knees. The sea was so clear and blue, a turquoise shimmer in the late afternoon sunshine. The location should have lifted her spirits. Part of her wanted to wallow in self-pity, but the other half felt like she should embrace the opportunity. Would she really be selling her soul? Other people would jump at the chance. Without a doubt, Heidi would.
Maybe she should be more like her, more ruthless in her ambition for fame and fortune, whatever the cost. Acting was what she’d always wanted to do and success on a big scale went hand in hand with fame. But was it the only thing she wanted to do with her life? She thought back to her conversation with Ade – there was a time limit to the kind of success she could have as a young actor.
It was late, and quite cool despite the sun shining in a nearly cloudless blue sky. A breeze swept in off the sea, wrapping itself around her. Goosebumps formed on her legs. Everything about this place reminded her of Finn. They’d hiked together over grassy clifftops, taking in the view of glimmering sea and craggy cliffs, pockets of sandy beaches and seaside cottages. They’d walked along the beach hand in hand, leaving footprints. They’d dangled their feet in rock pools and watched shadowy fish swim past their toes and spied crabs in crevices, while seaweed swayed beneath the clear saltwater. They’d kissed in the shadows of an outcrop of rocks, their hands exploring each other. They’d laid down together and gazed up at the bluest sky which had only a wisp of white cloud that looked like it had been brushed on by mistake. They’d kept their fingers entwined, holding on to each other not wanting the day to end or anyone to spoil their peace. She’d lost all that to fame. No, actually to notoriety. She wasn’t famous; Milo was. She’d become infamous because as far as anyone who didn’t know her was concerned, she’d slept with Milo to further her career. A lie had the same effect as truth, and now it was doing wonders for Heidi, except Milo had taken it one step further with her. Jenna knew it would all end in tears, for Heidi at least, if not for Milo.
There was a reason she felt this disconcerted and unsure about everything. There’d been moments over the past few years where she’d questioned what she was doing particularly when she’d landed certain roles – the hooker who was murdered in a back street; the clubber grinding against a semi-naked man; the babysitter who seduced the dad. She got those roles because she looked the way she did. That had been playing on her mind all weekend. From a young age friends had told her she had what it took to be a model, but apart from dabbling in modelling to pay her way through drama school, acting was what she’d wanted to do – at least what she thought she wanted to do. Those roles allowed her to at least play a character, not a version of herself.
Jenna stood up and wiped away the sand stuck to her shorts. She knew what she needed to do. The stress she’d felt over the last couple of weeks had manifested itself this weekend in worry about herself, about what her family would think about the choices she was making. Her parents’ friends who’d known her since she was little would be able to watch her on TV ‘parading about in a bikini’. Her friends would all have their own opinion – those who supported her, and those who would sneer and gossip about her ‘selling out’, swapping serious acting roles for reality TV. But actually it didn’t matter what anyone else thought as it was her choice to make. What had finally occurred to her, while sitting on an empty beach staring out at the wide endless sea, was how she really felt about that choice.
The tension in her chest built up again on the drive back, but by the time she turned into Bramble Cottage’s drive her pounding heart had slowed. It was almost dark, the sun was low on the horizon, the trees edging the garden silhouetted against the softening scarlet, amber and gold light. She grabbed her overnight bag from the boot and walked to the front of the cottage, her trainers crunching on the gravel the only sound apart from the soft cooing of wood pigeons. It was funny, considering how desperate she’d been
