Freya reached out and took his hand. ‘I’m so sorry you had to go through that.’
‘I lived a crazy life, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone. That kind of fame and fortune messes with you big time, particularly if you’re young and surrounded by people willing to take advantage. And I was. We all were. We were so young and naive to different degrees. It’s just as well I got out when I did, or God knows what would have happened. I went solo, wrote my own songs, earned some serious money and wasn’t taken advantage of. I grew up quickly after Paul’s death. I also ended my solo career while I was riding high. I knew that kind of lifestyle and fame couldn’t be maintained, and I didn’t want it to be. I invested my money in property and made more, and reinvested. I worked out what I wanted in life and it was actually thinking back to my childhood and the times I’d been happiest that made me realise the direction I wanted to go in. The times we lived by the ocean, surrounded by nature and peace. That’s what I craved.’ He wafted his hand around them. ‘And yet my past has followed me here. I can’t shake off the image I created when I was a selfish young man riding high on fame. It’s cost me relationships; it’s caused distrust with people assuming I’ll do things and behave a certain way because of my past. You’ve seen it first-hand.’
‘Which makes me wonder if I’m just really bad at reading people, that I don’t pick up on what’s going on inside. I misread you and I totally didn’t see Aaron for who he was.’
‘I don’t think it’s you who’s bad at reading people; Aaron’s good at fooling people, and the media have had a field day with me in the past, and given the chance, they still try to.’
Freya nodded, unconvinced. She gazed off into the distance, her eyes blurring. ‘It’s not just Aaron or you I’ve misread.’
‘Oh?’
‘My best friend committed suicide the day before her twenty-eighth birthday and I didn’t even have a clue she was unhappy. Or maybe I did but I chose not to see the signs. We were best friends since we were seven and I was older by two weeks.’
‘So she died just a couple of weeks after your birthday?’
A surge of emotion enveloped Freya. She could sense Zander watching and it was her turn to stare out at the dark ocean and try and contain her tears. But she couldn’t. After bottling up her grief for two years the tears erupted, all the hurt and sadness overwhelming her as she sobbed. Zander wrapped his arms around her. He held her to his chest and she cried against him, her tears dampening his T-shirt. She hadn’t been this open with anyone, not friends back home, not Drew here; she hadn’t even told Aaron about Amber. When she’d reacted this way with Owen, he’d frozen, unable to cope with her grief. She’d forced herself to be strong around Amber’s parents wanting to support them and she hadn’t even seen her own parents since she’d lost her best friend – a comforting hug from her mum and dad felt like an alien concept.
‘It’s good to let it all out.’ Zander’s breath was hot against her neck. ‘I bottled up my feelings about losing my sister for years.’ He pulled away from her enough to be able to look at her. ‘It’s why I like to be in control of things. It’s a way of self-preservation. I saw my parents have no control over my sister’s fate. She was only four when she got leukaemia. I was seven and her death had a massive impact; I’ve felt the need to control my own destiny ever since, as much as anyone can control it.’
‘Oh Zander, that’s so awfully sad. What was her name?’
‘Willow.’
Freya looked away at the rippling ocean dappled by the moonlight squeezing beyond the edge of the clouds. She understood now what the ‘W’ engraved on Zander’s ring stood for and it made her realise she should wear the necklace Amber’s parents had given her, rather than keeping it hidden in a drawer.
‘After she died, books were my escape. I immersed myself in adventure stories because that was far better than watching my parents crumble in front of my eyes. And I never grieved properly, despite the hurt deep inside that I carried into adulthood. Letting go of that hurt is a healing process. I grieved for Willow at the same time I grieved for Paul, and it was a turning point in my life. It doesn’t mean you’ve got over losing them, it just might mean you’re able to move on with your life in a more positive way. They’re always a part of you, whether they’re a relative or a friend. They’ve helped shape us into who we are.’
A tear slid down Zander’s cheek. Freya wiped it away with her thumb. She caught her breath as another wave of upset hit her. Zander pulled her to him again, his cheek now damp against her skin as he held on to her tight, an all-encompassing hug that she’d needed to feel for a long, long time.
‘A few weeks after Amber’s suicide, my ex-boyfriend said to me, “you’ll get over it”, like I’d failed an exam rather than lost my best friend.’
‘You don’t get over it, ever.’ Zander looked at her, his eyes still damp with tears. ‘It stays with you; you just learn to live with it. It gets easier with time, but that loss never goes. And I can only imagine that someone taking their own life is something terribly difficult to come to terms with. People can hide how they’re feeling so well, even when they’re in a desperate situation. You can’t blame yourself for not seeing the signs, there really
