The ache in my bones distracted me from thinking about Matt for only a few seconds. But then he flashed back into my mind, and I strained for any sound that might indicate he’d gotten home. The bed was empty beside me. I’d fallen asleep in the main bedroom in the hopes that I’d wake up with Matt wrapped around me.
He wasn’t there, and no matter how hard I listened, I didn’t hear a single sound in any other room. I reached under the pillow for my phone but didn’t feel it. Worried he might have called or texted me and I missed it, I scrambled out of bed and rushed to find my phone. The dizzy sickness hit me just as I found it and wrapped my hand around it.
I sat down and sucked in a few breaths to settle my stomach. My medicine was in the other room, so I stuffed a couple of pieces of peppermint gum into my mouth to calm my morning sickness long enough to check my phone.
There was nothing. No missed calls. No missed messages. Nothing.
My heart ached, but I wouldn’t let myself give in to the urge to call him. I couldn’t be that person. He needed time, and even if it hurt to have him need so much of it and not even be willing to talk to me, I wasn’t going to chase him. I wasn’t going to be the kind of woman to try to force him to pay attention to me.
How he reacted and what he decided to do next had to be on his terms. I was able to choose how I was approaching it and feeling about it. He needed that space as well.
I just couldn’t help but desperately wish he didn’t seem to need so much of it.
It was surprising enough when he didn’t show up at the bar the day before. He had come back home to try to talk to me. That meant at least for a time, he’d wanted to talk to me about this. But we missed each other. It was only a matter of seconds, the decision for me to leave to go to the bar rather than staying there alone. That was all it took for Matt and me not to cross paths.
I was sure that would mean he was coming there to meet me. As soon as Jordan told him I was there, I thought he would have been on his way. When he didn’t show up, I had to admit, I was scared. Something might have happened to him while he was driving there. He could have been hurt.
But that fear didn’t carry me too long. There simply wasn’t enough distance between home and the bar for something to have happened and have us not know about it. Matt wasn’t there because he chose not to be there, because he decided not to come to see me at the bar.
And he wasn’t home now because he decided he didn’t want to be. That cut deep. But the more time that ticked by without me hearing from him, the more that hurt shifted back toward worry. This wasn’t just taking some time away or getting a breather. He had been out of communication with all of us overnight and into the next day.
That wasn’t like Matt. But it was also bewildering. I didn’t understand where he could have been or what he could have been doing that would keep him out of sight and connection with any of us for that time.
I called Hannah to see if she and Jordan had heard anything.
“We haven’t heard from him,” she said without even greeting me first. “I was going to call to find out if you had heard from him.”
“No,” I said. “How about everybody else? Could he be in Astoria?”
“No,” Hannah said. “Jordan called the rest of the brothers and his mother to find out if any of them had gotten a call from him or if he had shown up at their house. But they all said they hadn’t heard from him since the day before yesterday, and none have seen him.”
“Did Jordan believe them? Could they be covering for him?” I asked.
It felt like I had started spiraling a little bit. I was reaching, searching for any type of explanation, anything that might at least make me feel like Matt was okay.
“He does,” Hannah said. “He said they sounded worried when he explained what was going on, too.”
I swallowed hard. “Explained what was going on?”
“Not everything,” she said quickly. “They don’t know exactly what’s going on. Just that he left and we don’t know where he is.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Okay.”
“Are you doing alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you lying?”
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Or what I’m supposed to think. This whole situation is a lot for me, too. It’s like he doesn’t even realize that. Like he thinks he’s the only one who is dealing with anything or having to figure out a whole new path in life.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” Hannah said. “He knows it’s a lot for you, too. He’s just also dealing with you not telling him right away and trying to hide it from him.”
That felt like a kick to the gut.
“So, this is my fault,” I said.
“That’s not what I meant,” Hannah said. “I understand you taking some time to figure out what you were thinking and feeling. That makes sense. I’m just trying to think through both sides. You’re my cousin, Chloe. I love you, and I’ll always be on your side, no matter what. But I also know you’re worried about him. I want you to feel better about what’s going
