Growing up in that atmosphere made me the person I am today. Seeing their commitment and hard work instilled in me the belief that only academic excellence would give me the opportunities that would somehow help me repay everything they did for us. By the time I was in middle-school, being number one became crazily important for me. And it was also important to me to be number one with a big lead. It seems preposterous now, but that one thing consumed my mind to such an extent that dressing up and wanting to look good in my teenage years was not as important as being the number one in class! Be like that child, let the need to work hard and excel come from within you and you will see that there is no need to compete with any external person or force. When you become your own number one motivator, nothing can stop you from reaching your goals.
When your father went away so unexpectedly, I had no choice but to continue my life without missing a stride because I had the responsibility to look after you and your brother. His death was not the turning point of my life because I had always been highly ambitious, but he was my friend, guide, philosopher, a great father to you, and such a wonderful companion that I had handed over the charge of everything in our lives to him. It is difficult to imagine now but he was the invisible anchor for our extended family, the guy who organized the kids’ education, the family’s investment, and the food and entertainment if there was a big family get together. For the eight years of my marriage, I was so immersed in my relationship that I was not even sure whether my career was important or not. I gloriously flirted with the idea that I could have a career while still be a happy housewife who kept a good home, raised kids, and had great family occasions.
All that changed the day that truck came from the wrong side of the road and crashed into our car, changing the direction of our lives forever. Suddenly I had nobody with who to bounce off an idea, discuss a challenging situation at work with, or ask for help to understand a new concept. He was brilliant but looking back, I think he realized how dependent I was on him. ‘I am not the best at everything Renu’, he would say. ‘Learn to look for the right person for the right thing and you will always get the right feedback and guidance’. I laughed at him then but when he went out of our lives so suddenly, I truly realized the need for self-dependence and the value of reaching out to people.
When he passed away, I had no time to brood, to worry that I was not giving enough attention to my children. Working long hours was not a choice but a need so that I could raise you with all the things that your young lives needed and would need ahead in life. And if I survived the dark periods of grief and the unfairness of life, it was because I was blessed with a family who stood by me solidly. Your aunt, my sister, is my soul mate, the woman who held my hand through the difficult times, talking to me, staying silent when I needed to look inwards, and intuitively leading me to discover the healing powers of Reiki to soothe my battered soul. My parents stepped into our lives, reassuring me with their kind presence and their support of everything that I did. My father is the rock of my life, someone who has always stood by me, asking no questions. He does not think he has done me a favour by being there for me all through these years, often putting my needs ahead of his. For him, it was the most natural thing to do, an extension of his role as a father. At fifty, I continue to be his little daughter. My brother opened up a new world in my life by literally holding my hand and taking to me our Guru, Sri Sri Muralidhara Swamigal. He has been an emotional anchor and takes so much pride in everything that I achieved. My friends from across the world wrote to me and kept in touch, giving me courage to face the long journey ahead of me. I have got a great deal of support from friends and my extended family, for my early loss, for which I am eternally grateful.
Child, I want you to remember to always cultivate and nurture relationships. In the end, they will be all that matter.
Dear daughter, I learnt early that it is a competitive world out there and nobody will wait around for you to finish dealing with your personal problem before you start performing at work. But even before that, I was driven by a kind of inner calling to put everything in my work. I remember how furious my boss was when I ended up being hospitalized for severe fatigue one day and it was then that my colleagues realized that I was pregnant with my second baby but never told anybody about it because it was a busy period at work. I never wanted to ask for any special treatment to be meted out to me simply because I was a woman.
I don’t know if I will do it now
