It was easy to hide from what scared you, and I knew that too well. Real growth came from approaching fear head on and embracing how it made you feel. These were just words, right? I wasn't bound by blood or anything just from internally considering something.
"Just spill your heart out, Jesse. I'm braced." My hands inadvertently tightened around my thighs as he began.
"If he signs and people find out about you—an employee of the label, might I add—and Jack, it could wind up being a controversy and generating bad PR. If he doesn't sign, Sam will probably get fired if what you keep telling me is true. And if Sam actually knows anything and fails to succeed for the label, you'll probably get fired too, unless he keeps his mouth shut. It sounds like he's mad at you, so your chances aren't so..." He trailed off, knowing damn well that I already knew the end of the sentence.
My head started spinning. I hadn't considered any of this, just rolled with Jack's punches and had a good time. It was bliss and it was fucking powerful. I felt it; I didn't think it. Despite my several glasses of wine, I felt dreadfully sober and I just wanted to hide from everything.
"But Sam doesn't know anything. He thinks he knows, but I haven't admitted anything, even with his incessant prying." I nervously fingered the empty wine glass in front of me, wishing it would magically become one of those stress balls like my mom used to have around the house.
Jesse looked away, his focus on Laura, who was strolling back into the room. "Hey, don't feel like you need to explain yourself to me. If you're happy, that's great. I'm just trying to be realistic. We both pay the rent here."
"You and being realistic," Laura complained. She took her seat next to Jesse again and rubbed his shoulders. "What about having fun?"
"I said it's fine if she wants to keep seeing this guy. You missed that part, sweetheart." He played with his phone, perhaps because he was nervous about making a snide remark, or because it served as a distraction.
Laura munched on the last piece of garlic bread—it was probably cold, but she didn't seem to care—and then paused before the last bite. "I wouldn't give him up so easily, that's for sure. You could always sue the label if they fire you for no good reason."
"She'll definitely get far suing a huge corporation," Jesse said sarcastically. "You've got a couple million sitting around, right, Effie?" Laura just scowled at him.
I buried my head in my hands. "Okay, so what do I do?"
"It's your choice," Jesse said. "I mean, obviously it is." He looked over at Laura with mild disgust. "She seems to think I don't know about having fun. But that's not the case. I just want to give you good advice, not encourage possibly destructive hedonism."
"God, so dramatic," Laura complained again.
"Yeah, yeah." I nodded like I was taking notes in a class.
"You have three options as I see it: You take a break with Jack until the deal is over; you tell Sam and hope that full disclosure will do you a favor; or you do nothing and carry on how you are. Those are the three biggest cards you can play. You can be proactive, apologetic, or apathetic." He seemed to be pleased with his own simplification.
"Dammit." This was such a huge decision, one that I really didn't want to make. At the very least, I was privy to some new insight that had been foreign even a few minutes ago.
"I think you're worrying too much about this," Laura said earnestly. "Don't feel like you need to make a decision now. Not everyone is so prepared to make decisions on the fly like Jesse is."
Right in the middle of their two personality types—that's where I sat. It was a big chair, but it wasn't comfortable in the least. It had support in all the wrong places.
Being with Jack suddenly seemed so wrong, even if it felt so right.
I wanted to hide from this like a child hiding from a monster in the closet. My surviving through the night depended on it. My future depended on it. Even if the monster was figurative, just a figment of an overactive imagination, a stress-induced heart attack could still physically kill me.
After a number of minutes—I lost track of time, to be honest; I was so far inside my head I worried I'd never get out—Jesse sat up and looked at Laura. "Do you wanna go watch something?"
"Sure," she said. "Are you okay, Effie?"
I looked up, semi-ashamed after realizing that I was probably contributing heavily to a somewhat awkward situation. The two looked tired or bored or horny or something. They had done their jobs, so I wanted to set them free. "I'm fine, really. I just want to zone out and think."
"Yeah, think it through slowly," Jesse said confidently. "Do a cost-benefit analysis of each option."
"Great suggestion, hon." Laura's voice was overflowing with sarcasm. "Reduce human relations to economic terms when emotions are involved. Guaranteed success."
Jesse laughed it off and stood up, helping Laura once he had reached his feet. "Well, goodnight, Effie."
Laura waved as they left the living room and I was alone. She paused right before her slender figure disappeared around the corner and turned around. "Hey, Effie, can I meet Jack sometime? It would mean a lot to me." Her words were whispers, so I responded at the same volume.
"Sure. We can set something up."
Her face brightened enough to illuminate all of the dark spaces in the room. "Thanks, Effie." And like a puff of smoke, she vanished.
I suddenly worried that I wouldn't be able to follow through with my plan...
