Moving house
Moving house is very stressful for adults, even if they are moving upmarket to something better, but it can be disastrous for a child. There is a saying that you might have heard: ‘Children are like plants: they don’t thrive if moved.’ Having said that, it is often necessary or advantageous to move house, for any number of reasons. But don’t assume that because you are ecstatic at the extra space, luxury and fine views your new house offers your children will feel the same. The chances are they won’t – well, not for some time at least.
Children love familiarity and routine, and thrive on it. With the move, particularly if it is out of the area, they will have lost a lot of what is familiar and treasured as being safe and secure. For children of all ages, moving is unsettling.
Foster carer training often reminds us of the impact a move can have in respect of a child coming into care. Although the child is now in a place of safety, everything that was familiar has disappeared. The child will often pine for and become very angry about the loss of what he or she has left, even if it has been highly abusive. When a child first arrives, I spend a lot of time reassuring him or her about being in care, and I give a guided tour of the house, talking to them about the rooms, what each is used for and encouraging them to spend time just exploring.
Although your child will still have you and the security of your family, the change in surroundings is likely to be just as unsettling. Talk to your child about the proposed move before it happens, and include them in the moving process as much as possible. For example, when you visit your new house, perhaps to measure for curtains, you could take your child with you. If that is not practical, walk or drive by the house, or take photographs of the house and street so that your child becomes partially familiar with it before moving. Make sure your child understands the reasons for the move, and explain the process – how you pack up all your belongings in boxes and they are taken to your new home in a big van. Young children, after a move, often think they will be returning to their previous house, as if moving is like going on holiday. It can take many months before they fully appreciate that the new house is home and they are not going back to the old house.
If you have moved right out of the area, your child will have to adjust to a new school and make new friends. Don’t underestimate the impact these changes will have on your child, and be prepared for a backlash. Although your child’s new bedroom, or the garden, might be far superior to the old one, don’t be surprised if he or she brutally rejects it – ‘Don’t like it. Hate it. Hate you.’ And if you have had to downsize, possibly as a result of divorce or financial constraints, your child may well hold you personally responsible for their loss. Acknowledge their loss, Reassure them and include them – ‘I know your room is a lot smaller, and this flat is smaller, but we will make it just as nice as our old home. Will you come and help me choose some paint?’
It will take months before the child feels anywhere near as secure and comfortable as he or she did in their previous home. I’ve had some personal experience of this. I had to move three times between the ages of six and ten because of my father’s work, and I can still remember the insecurity and the trauma of starting a new school, all these years on, despite all my parents did to make the moves go smoothly.
Whereas young children who have become unsettled by a move may become fractious, tearful and insecure – wanting to be in the same room as you all the time, for instance – older children (and it may surprise you just how old) can act out their insecurity through negative behaviour – being rude and challenging you. Although you should acknowledge what your child is going through, and give them lots of reassurance, moving is no excuse for their behaviour to deteriorate. Bad behaviour, as with all unacceptable behaviour, is best dealt with immediately, for it’s unlikely to disappear on its own, and will probably escalate.
A couple of years ago a friend of mine had to move to a smaller house, taking the last of her three children, who was still at home, with her. Her daughter was nineteen, and although the move meant she would be closer to her college, and that by using public transport she could still see her friends, you’d have thought the end of the world had come. She played up and acted out a treat, blaming her mother for everything that didn’t suit her and being very rude and confrontational. Her bedroom was too small (her mother swapped rooms so that her daughter had the larger one); she didn’t like the colour (her mother redecorated); the house was too far on the bus from her friends, so she couldn’t see them late in the evening (her mother bought her a car), and so on and so on. The daughter never once thanked her mother nor appreciated that the move was for their mutual benefit, as the lower rent meant there was more in the kitty for holidays etc. She rewarded her mother by refusing
