Your child:
* refuses to do as he or she is asked within a reasonable time
* is verbally rude, answers back, talks over you, interrupts, doesn’t listen, demands rather than asks
* walks away when you are talking, covers his or her ears or makes a loud noise when you are talking
* shouts, screams, throws things or has tantrums when his or her demands are not immediately met
* satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’
* dominates you, your partner, siblings and friends
* manipulates or threatens you or others – with verbal or physical aggression
* in older children, displays antisocial behaviour including stealing, vandalism, drug and alcohol abuse.
All children display challenging behaviour sometimes, but you will know the difference between the occasional refusal of a child testing the boundaries, and a child who has severe behavioural difficulties and who is out of control. There is one overriding factor which governs all of such a child’s actions, and which you probably realised but didn’t like to admit: he or she is in charge and dominating you through their unacceptable behaviour – they have become ‘top dog’ and leader of the pack.
Apart from challenging and governing you through their shocking behaviour there will be other less obvious signs that your child is out of your control and in charge:
* The child pushes ahead of you to go through a door first.
* He or she sits on the seat in the lounge where you were about to sit, so you have to sit somewhere else.
* He or she speaks first when you meet your friends in the street.
* They always answer the door, house phone and even your mobile.
* They question you and need to know what is going on the whole time – you have no privacy.
* Your meals are based on what the child wants, to avoid scenes.
* Family gatherings are dominated by the child and you are on tenterhooks to keep them happy to avoid a scene.
* You find you have modified your own behaviour and the activities of the family to accommodate the child.
* You find yourself making excuses for the child’s behaviour.
A child who is out of control won’t be continuously throwing bricks through windows; they don’t have to. They are in charge and everyone works to their agenda.
Regaining control
The first thing to do is to get the child back into their place in the hierarchy, as a child: one who follows and is directed, not leader of the pack. You achieve this on a number of levels – through action, word and body language. Just as your child has slowly elevated their position and usurped yours, so you will be taking the reins again and regaining control, guiding and steering your child to acceptable behaviour. If you have a partner, it is essential you work together, and be prepared for a rough ride for the first two weeks. Your child will not give up his or her position easily – it’s good being leader of the pack: you get the first and best pickings.
Zero tolerance
What follows applies to a child of any age, although clearly the situations that need addressing will vary with age, and rewards and sanctions will need to be age appropriate. But the platform from which you will be working, whatever the child’s age, is the same: zero tolerance. In order to regain your control and get your child’s behaviour back on track, zero tolerance is absolutely essential in the first two weeks. Later, when you are in charge again and your child is responding, you can gradually ease up, but to begin with you are only going to accept acceptable behaviour. No argument – that is the bottom line.
Address the key issues
Step one begins with you and your partner deciding on the main areas in your child’s behaviour that are causing you both the greatest concern; these are the ones you will be addressing first. It may seem that all of your child’s behaviour needs correcting, but a number of key issues will stand out – for example, biting, kicking, swearing or refusing to do as asked. Leave more minor issues, for example untidiness, until you have corrected the main issues, but if you have already asked your child to do something or stop doing something, then see it through, even if it isn’t a high-priority issue. Your child needs to learn that when you say something you mean it, which may come as something of a revelation to begin with.
You will be going back to the basics: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, with praise for positive behaviour and sanctions for negative behaviour. There is no room for debate during this initial two-week period as you establish your control as the parent, put in place the boundaries and guidelines, and make sure your child does as you have reasonably Requested.
Decide on a routine
Having decided on the main areas for correction, if you haven’t already got one, decide on your household routine. A routine, with its boundaries of expectations, is essential for any family to run smoothly, and is also a crucial framework for the changes you are about to make. It will include the following:
* the time your child has to be up in the morning, washed, dressed and ready for school
* what time you all sit down together for dinner in the evening
* when homework is done
* your child’s responsibilities and chores and when they should be done – for example, tidying away their possessions, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, etc.
* bath, bedtime, etc.
Routine is safe and secure, and once your child knows what is expected he or she can easily get it right and receive your praise – ‘Well done, Tom. You got straight out of bed at seven thirty as I asked.’
Hold a family meeting
Now you need to talk to your child about the changes you are about to make in their routine and behaviour,
