Explain the routine – going-to-bed time, homework time, household chores, etc. – but don’t expect your child to remember it instantly. He or she will need quite a few reminders to begin with, especially if there has been no routine and his or her day has been largely unstructured. If your child can tell the time, it’s a good idea to give him or her a watch, or put a clock in their bedroom. This will give your child responsibility for time keeping, which he or she will enjoy; it is also far more agreeable than you bellowing the time from the bottom of the stairs.
As well as explaining your new routine, tell your child what the behavioural issues are that are causing you and your partner concern. These may seem obvious to you, but they won’t necessarily to the child, particularly if his or her negative behaviour has gone uncorrected for years. Tell your child that their behaviour is wrong and that it is going to change – i.e. that there will be no more biting, shouting, slamming doors, etc. Warn of the sanctions that will be applied if necessary, and finish your talk on a positive note by praising your child, even if it is only for sitting still and listening to you.
Now start immediately: actions speak louder than words, and although your child or children listened to what you said they won’t appreciate that change is afoot until it actually happens.
Use the 3Rs
It won’t be long before your child puts you and the new boundaries to the test. It won’t necessarily be intentional, but old habits die hard. Remember, the policy is zero tolerance, so do not ignore any negative behaviour if it is on your list as a priority to change.
Let’s say you have just had your family meeting, and Jack has gone off to watch television while you finish making dinner. Dinner is ready and you call everyone to come – you will be taking your evening meal together as a family from now on, even if it’s just you and Jack. Jack, however, is used to eating when it suits him (as he is used to doing most things), and it doesn’t suit him to eat right now.
You Request Jack to come to dinner –‘Jack, dinner time. Switch off the television and come now, please,’said within reasonable talking distance, not bellowing from one end of the house to the other. Jack doesn’t do as you have asked. He has heard you but sees no reason to change the behaviour of the past. You Repeat your Request –‘Jack, I’ve asked you to come to dinner. Now, or I’ll be stopping television time’(or whatever sanction you are going to use). Jack doesn’t, so you Reaffirm. You go to him and say,‘Jack, I have asked you to come for dinner, so I am switching off the television.’You switch off the television and Jack is absolutely furious. How dare you! He yells at you and tries to switch on the television again. You talk calmly but firmly, and explain that the television is staying off, as it is dinnertime. Jack attempts to switch on the television and curses you, so you tell him he has lost half an hour’s viewing (when he would normally have watched television) for not doing as you have asked. And you unplug the television. Jack is even more angry now and is storming around and yelling. You tell him to go to his room for quiet time until he has calmed down. He refuses. You come out of the room, thus enforcing quiet time on Jack.
If Jack defiantly plugs in and switches on the television, either remove the television from the room (and make it inaccessible to him) or, if that is not practical, take the fuse from the plug. Whatever you have to do, do it. Jack will not be watching the television, and he will be amazed. Nothing like this has ever happened before and he will now be starting to see that you are serious in your Request. He will probably shout and storm some more; then he will eventually come for dinner – there is no television so he may as well eat. Praise him, but not effusively –‘Good boy, Jack’– and congratulate yourself. You have just succeeded in taking the first very big step to regaining control of Jack and getting his behaviour back on track.
However, remember that when Jack asks for the television on again after dinner, he has lost half an hour as a sanction, and don’t change your mind. Remind Jack why he has lost his television time – i.e. for not doing as you asked – and be prepared for another tantrum. Being consistent is crucial for regaining control, as is it for all good parenting. For Jack to take you and your authority seriously and change his ways, he must come to understand that you mean what you say; otherwise his behaviour will deteriorate further and it will be more difficult to turn him around later. Hollow threats and promises have no place in child rearing. You must do as you say, whether it is stopping an activity as a sanction or introducing a new activity as a special treat for exceptionally good behaviour.
If Jack apologises and says he is sorry for what he has done, then say,‘Thank you, Jack, and well done for saying sorry.’But still impose the sanction; otherwise apologising will become an easy ploy for Jack to escape the consequences of his negative behaviour.
Confrontation
That first evening (or day if you start in the morning) will be the worst, in respect of challenges to
