The next day will be that little bit easier, and so will the day after and the day after that. During the two-week ‘turning around’ period you will see steady improvement as well as some setbacks. Don’t be disheartened; overall you will be gaining ground towards making your child’s behaviour acceptable. I say two weeks because in my experience that is the time it takes for a child to relinquish control and for the parents to regain it, thereby setting the child’s behaviour on the path to recovery. You may find it takes less than two weeks, particularly with a child under the age of eight or nine where the negative behaviour isn’t so entrenched.
Let’s return to that first evening with Jack. He has had his dinner, had another tantrum because you stopped half an hour’s television time and is now allowed to watch a programme or play on his PlayStation. Make sure Jack knows what is expected of him during the evening – the household chore he is expected to do, homework, bath- and bedtime, etc. Always give your child plenty of warning and reminders, restating your expectations –‘Jack, you can play on the PlayStation until 7.00 p.m. and then it is your bath-time.’Be certain you remember to do what you have said – it is futile explaining a new routine if you don’t implement it. If Jack has more tantrums or refusals, implement the sanctions the following day if it’s late.
It won’t have been an easy evening, but finish with a small unwinding activity or a story, and as you tuck Jack into bed, tell him you love him and give him a big hug. If refusing to stay in bed is one of Jack’s problems and he keeps getting out, take him back each time and resettle him (as you would a younger child) even if you are up until midnight. The new routine and changes to Jack’s behaviour must be seen through, no matter how long it takes.
Now you are well into this ‘turning around’ period you will be dealing with many issues of negative behaviour at the same time, so that Jack may be shouting at you as you are dealing with him having just trashed his bedroom. Don’t ignore the lesser offence if it is on your list of behaviour you want to change in your child – in this case shouting. Address it –‘Jack, you do not shout at me. You will speak calmly – otherwise there will be no PlayStation this evening.’If Jack persists tell him he has lost PlayStation or whatever sanction you are using. In zero tolerance all the negative behaviour you are changing needs to be addressed as it happens.
Make sure the sanction you have chosen is reasonable and can be applied within a reasonable time (twenty-four hours). It’s no good using a sanction where the effect won’t be felt for another week – it will be ineffective, and both you and the child will probably have forgotten all about it. Ideally, sanctions should take effect immediately (for example switching off the television or PlayStation), or at least on the same day. And don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to bring your child under your control and correct his or her negative behaviour so that you can again take pleasure in your child’s company again.
Quality time
The pleasure of your child’s company may well have become lost along the way as you struggled with your child’s unacceptable behaviour. Now you are regaining control, and even though you are working through a very difficult two-week period, you should find time in each day to spend quality time with your child.
It needn’t be a huge amount of time, if you are very busy, but do something together each day. Spending fifteen minutes, one to one with your child, in a game of your child’s choosing will work wonders in cementing the bond between you and encouraging cooperation. This quality time is as important as the rules and boundaries you are putting in place, and in an ideal world you will have been spending quality time with your child since he or she was little. You can set aside quality time at the same time each day if it suits your routine, or simply spy the opportunity; but make sure you do it.
Let your child chose the activity, within reason, and get down to your child’s level, playing cars on the floor or modelling in dough – whatever your child has chosen. If your child chooses an impractical activity like going swimming when it’s nearly bedtime, then explain that that would be a good activity for the weekend and steer him or her towards a more practical choice. Helping your child with his or her homework or giving extra help with school work is also quality time, as you will be working together side by side in harmony, although it is additional quality time and should not replace the two of you having fun with a game. Spend the time with your child willingly and join in the game or activity your child has chosen wholeheartedly. It is important for your child to see that you are enjoying the activity and his or her company – that it is quality time for you too.
Allow time
Because it is imperative that your child now does as he or she has been reasonably Requested by you, allow
