But here’s some more realness for you, all right? Coming up with a nickname for yourself ain’t easy. It takes the heart of a warrior, the cojones of a rhino, and the soul of Don Draper.
Matter of fact, Slick Daddy really did come to me in my dreams in the middle of the night to whisper his nickname in my ear. He had a voice like gravel soaked in scotch, and he spoke in a commanding way that pierced the inner reaches of my being.
Besides Slick Daddy, the only other person who ever nicknamed himself successfully was the late, great, ever-eternal Black Mamba, Kobe Bryant. And we both know you’re not on his level, come on now.
But don’t worry, you’re in luck.
Not only am I a super-nice, perfect, modest champion, but I also happen to be really, really good at coming up with cool nicknames. So just this once—just this once!—my genius creative mind is gonna do all the work for you.
Below are two columns, Column E and Column N, because those are the letters I felt like. Pick one word from Column E and one word from Column N. Doesn’t matter which two you choose.
Put ’em together and BOOM, you got a brand-new, custom-built, badass nickname for your mustache, just like that. Hundred percent guaranteed.
Shit, I’m good.
COLUMN E
COLUMN N
DEADLY
COBRA
KILLER
SNAKE
KILLINGEST
PYTHON
DEATHLY
VIPER
MURDERING
SPATULA
DEATH-MAKING
MICROWAVE
SPICY
SAUSAGE
LEFTOVER
PIZZA
EMPTY
BRITA
COLD
BEERS
BROKEN
TOASTER
Okay! Inspired work, if I do say so myself.
Just remember that it’s always Column E first, then Column N. Never the other way around, because that would be ridiculous. Except maybe Cobra Killer, which is kind of sick.
Foreign Nickname Bonus Content
If you want some foreign nicknames for your mustache—and Slick Daddy seriously must have about twenty spanning all seven continents, all seven seas, and both polar ice caps (off the top of my head there’s the Ethiopian Poisonous Caterpillar [obvs], the Spanish Picante Chile Con Carne, the Irish Swarthy Leprechaun, and the Russian Это Как Гугл Переводчик Работает ПриветII)—well, then, you pretty much have to be a major international super-celebrity like me.
Sorry, that’s just how it is.
Then once you’re one of us, you get into your private plane or your personal Kamov Ka-27 attack chopper and you fly to every country you’re famous in—all of them, if you’re me—and you walk into a local sports bar in the last minute of a very important sports game and you stand in front of the only TV in the whole place and you scream at the top of your lungs, “NAME MY MUSTACHE! NAME IT NOWWWWWWWWW!”
Then after that, some local foreign guy who’s totally drunk and out of shape stands up and shouts something in a language you don’t understand. You record it on your flip phone, you politely say thank you, and then you get the fuck out of there before he stabs you with a broken bottle.
And then you’ve got an official, authentic foreign nickname for your mustache.
PROPER BODY ODOR
This one is pretty simple.
You ever get that not-so-fresh feeling in the morning? Like you take your shower, you wash and condition your long, thick jet-black hair with Pert Plus, you step out and dry off with your loom-woven silk towel, and you think, “Man, I just don’t feel so fresh this morning.”
Fear not, my friend. Because for just those kinds of mornings—for every morning, really—I’ve got just the body spray for you.
It’s SLICK, BY DOC.
I know, you can just hear that icy-smooth jingle I composed myself echoing in the background, can’t you?
Bump-tsshhh.
Bump-tsshhh-tsshhh.
“Slick, by Doc!”
Of course you can.
SLICK, BY DOC represents the ultimate in masculine smells designed specifically for men. And not just any men—I’m talking men who know how to win. That’s right, SLICK, BY DOC was formulated by the world’s top odor scientists to be a precise blend of one-third testosterone, one-third musk, one-third violence, and one-third victory.
Just slap six or seven ounces of SLICK, BY DOC all over your butt-naked body twice a day, maybe even four times if you really like smelling great like I do, and you’ll feel ready to dominate the universe on a whole new level of thunder and lightning and twilight of the gods.
Sound good? You bet it does.
Why wait any longer? Go NOW to InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg and for the reasonable price of $1,399.99 you can order your very own lifetime supply of—
FUCK.
Sorry, you guys. I was really on a roll there, but my AOL Instant Messenger just beeped, and I got Nigel the Editor giving me an official…
Real-Time Update
Shit. This is the worst.
This dude is actually messaging me that the publisher is sick of all my “self-promotion” and “advertising.” That they didn’t give me this huge book deal so I could “peddle” my “cheap paraphernalia” on my “website,” and I should stick to writing my “book.”
First off, enough with all the written air quotes, all right, man? We get it.
Second, I don’t even know what the fuck “paraphernalia” is, but whatever it is, mine definitely ain’t cheap.
Is it my fault that SLICK, BY DOC happens to be scientifically proven to have more power, more energy, more WOW than any other men’s body spray on the planet?
Is it my fault that my mustache, Slick Daddy, is so badass that I trademarked and copyrighted it, and everyone has to pay me $129.95 at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg if they want to copy it?
Of course not! I’m just trying to give the people what they want here! I’m doing the citizens of this earth a favor! They want access to the coolest, hottest body wash and the most advanced prototype merchandise in the universe, and I want to give it to them!
Did Dostoyevsky’s publisher stop him from pushing the babushka? Did Shakespeare’s editor stop him from telling the world about codpieces and merkins? Of course not! If the greats could do it, why can’t I?
I—and SLICK, BY DOC, available NOW with SLICK for Her, ALSO BY DOC for the low combined price of $1,799.98 for a
