“So,” I said. “You are here to steal the secrets of my superhuman speed and reflexes. I knew it!”
Sergey and Larry kind of looked at each other.
“No,” Sergey said. “Why do you keep saying that?”
“Isn’t that what being your ‘ambassador’ means? That you sponge off me like a parasite?”
“No,” he said. “When we say ‘ambassador,’ we are thinking, like, maybe you could use our controller at your next tournament. Or maybe, I don’t know, we put a photo of your mustache on the box for a small fee or something.”
“Yeah!” Larry said. “That would be fun!”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “My mustache, Slick Daddy, sell out for a fee?” My stomach grumbled loudly and I continued, “You’re goddamn right he would! That mustache has no morals. None! The Ethiopian Poisonous Caterpillar is a total cash whore.”
Sergey cleared his throat. “Yes, well, keep in mind that we’re a very small company.”
“Very small,” Larry said.
“Ten million dollars,” I said. “In unmarked one-dollar bills.”
“Absolutely not,” Sergey said.
“Okay,” I said slowly. “Ten million… pennies! Also unmarked!”
“No,” he said.
“What if they were marked pennies?”
“Still no.”
“Lunch!” I shouted. “A ham fucking sandwich! Right now! There’s a goddamn diner down the block! I haven’t eaten since breakfast! I’m starving to death here!”
“Sorry,” Sergey said.
“But,” Larry said, “we are prepared to offer you… a ten percent discount on our revolutionary new multisensory, variable-input joystick. The same one you’ll be advertising!”
“Uh,” I said.
“Fine!” he said. “Twelve percent!”
“Wow,” Sergey said. “You’re busting our balls here, Doc. Brutal negotiation.”
“Oh,” Larry added. “And that discount only applies to a single purchase. And it’s nontransferable.”
“So,” Sergey said. “We’ve got a deal?”
I stared at them with a gaze of raging fire. Cracked my iron knuckles. Clenched my perfectly square jaw. Felt the blood thundering through my veins. I was Dr Disrespect. I was worth so much more than this. But still—I was broke and hungry, and the last thing I wanted to do was admit defeat to my parents. Plus Sergey and Larry really did seem like nice guys…
Finally, I nodded.
“Yeah, we got a deal,” I growled. “But watch your tone with the Two-Time.”
“Excellent!” Sergey said. “Now, if you could just sign this contract—totally standard, just gives us all rights to use your image, likeness, name, and physiological essence throughout the universe in perpetuity—we’ll be all set. Here, I’ve got a pen.”
Sergey handed me the contract. Nothing major, just a couple hundred pages in Latin. Then the pen, which he handled very carefully. They watched eagerly as I signed my name. I started to put down the pen… when suddenly everything began going dark.
“Take the knife out of his hand,” I heard Larry say right before I blacked out completely. “We don’t want a damaged specimen…”
When I came to, I was strapped down tight to an exam table in some kind of secret lab. Blinding lights shined down on me, and electronic devices beeped and buzzed from the shadows. Electrodes were attached to my forehead, and all these wires and tubes ran in and out of my hands. It was like when Drago is hooked up to all that evil Soviet science crap in Rocky IV, except I’m a ton more shredded than Dolph Lundgren.
I strained against my bonds as hard as I could, but they wouldn’t give. Surprising, because I’m a ton stronger than Dolph Lundgren too.
“I’ve studied you well, Dr Disrespect,” a voice said from behind me. “All your moves, all your maneuvers and tricks—the video of your many tournaments is quite extensive—and those bonds have been engineered to resist even your superior strength.”
He stepped in front of me. Pale and skinny, with watery gray eyes and a long white lab coat, he looked even geekier than Larry and Sergey. But overall still like a pretty nice guy, except for the kidnapping and medical experiments.
“Where are Sergey and Larry?” I demanded. “What the hell is going on here?”
“Sergey and Larry are out meeting with venture capitalists,” he said. “They get to do all the fancy glamour-boy stuff. It’s scientists like me who get stuck doing the real work, building the actual products.”
“You mean…”
“Yes,” he said. “We’ve been working for years to build the prototype for the ideal video game controller, but we finally realized that something was missing. One critical final ingredient. The ideal video game player.”
“So,” I said, “you really are stealing the secrets of my superhuman speed and reflexes?”
“Obviously.”
“Motherfucker!” I shouted. “I knew it! Larry and Sergey kept giving me all this shit about it. Like, ‘Why do you keep saying blah-blah-blah?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t know, seems pretty spot-on to me,’ and they’re like, ‘Blah-blah-lie-lie-lie.’ Fucking pricks!”
“Yeah, villains lie,” he said. “Between you and me, I’ve been searching for another gig for the last couple months. Not as easy as you’d think to find work as a sadistic scientist these days. I’m Paul, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said. “I’d shake hands, but you know—tubes, straps.”
“Yes, of course,” Paul said as he pressed some buttons on one of his machines.
“That pen they handed me did something to knock me out, didn’t it?”
“Indeed,” he said. “I invented a microscopic delivery system that injected a powerful tranquilizer through the pores in your fingers.”
“Man,” I said. “That’s awesome.”
“Thanks,” he said. “It’s nice to feel appreciated.”
“Look, Paul,” I said. “You seem like a nice enough dude. I mean, you could probably stand to do some squats, but whatever, I get it—you’re a science guy. Not everyone is as naturally athletic as I am.
“But here’s the deal. If you don’t let me out of here in five seconds, I’m gonna have to break out. And if I have to break out, I’m gonna have to hurt you. Now, I don’t wanna hurt you, but I mean, you are experimenting on me against my will, and I am a bloodthirsty battle hawk. So, from one doctor to another—let me go, or shit will get real.”
Paul laughed. I think he was going for a diabolical, evil
