6. Browse the Merchandise
The key here is to act like an incredibly successful, hyper-dominant winner at all times. I know, it’s a stretch.
Start by super-casually looking at the floor models. Like you’re barely glancing at them out of the corner of your eye, you’re in the middle of a super-important call on your Motorola flip phone, and you hardly even know why the fuck you’re there.
Every now and then, just happen to notice the sticker price on one of the models’ windows. When you see it, arch an eyebrow really, really subtly, then laugh extra loud and shout, “THAT’S IT!? THAT’S CHEAP AF!”
Make sure you say “AF” and not “as fuck,” because that’s much classier.
Then, right as the posh, arrogant sales dude walks over—you’ll have to fight him off because you look like such a boss in that solid-gold-plated medallion—I want you to say super loud into your flip phone, “Tell Mendoza that if he doesn’t raise the bid by five mil, the deal is off!”
When the sales dude gets to you, hold up a finger in his face like you need a minute. Make sure it’s not your middle finger. Into the phone be like, “Uh-huh. That’s what I thought.”
Then snap the phone shut, look the posh sales dude dead in the eye, and go, “Sorry, you know how Swiss bankers can be.” Laugh and slap him on the back way too hard.
When he asks what car you’re looking for, say, “I don’t know. What day is it?” Then when he tells you, say, “I knew that.” Then when he looks at you funny, say, “The most expensive one you got.” When he looks at you funny again, be like, “The 2021 Lamborghini Aventador SVJ, black-on-black-on-onyx-coal-death-black, just like I said five minutes ago, you skinny punk.”
And if that doesn’t make the right impression, you may be a lost cause.
7. Slip Him the Mickey
I know, I know. “Slip him the mickey” sounds a little more late-night Cinemax than what it means.
But it’s just an old-timey phrase people used back in the 1600s when they wanted to put a poisonous illegal substance in a Lambo salesman’s drink to induce a massive nosebleed.
Anyway, now that your posh slick salesman knows that you’re a legit, high-net-worth customer who’s totally a winner, he’s gonna ask you if you want something to drink. They’ll have an espresso machine because Lamborghinis are Italian, and Italians love espresso almost as much as envelopes of cash.
So you’re gonna be like, “Yeah, make it a double espresso.”
Now, you and I both know that espressos actually taste like shit. We’re real American men who drink Folgers with Splenda and non-dairy creamer. But that’s not what’s important now. Now we need you to order that espresso, and we absolutely need you to make sure he’s drinking one too.
So say something cool, like “I never drink my double espresso alone. So you better drink one too.” Bonus points if you end with “Capiche?”
While your guy is getting your drinks, position yourself next to a vase full of orchids. Lambo dealers love vases full of orchids because they look expensive. As soon as he gets back, knock over the vase, scream, “YOU STUPID PUNK!” and while he’s desperately cleaning up the mess, take his drink and pour in all of the illegal poisonous compound. Espresso is so disgusting, he won’t notice any difference.
Then when he’s done cleaning, hand him his drink and say, “To fast cars, world domination, and mysterious nosebleeds!” and watch him gulp it down.
8. Start Your Advanced Prototype Timex T7G51002 Timer
Assuming your posh, snooty Lambo salesman is of average weight and height, it’ll take a little over nineteen minutes for the drug to take effect.
Program your timer for nineteen minutes, then hit start.
9. Kill Time
Nineteen minutes is about seventeen minutes longer than small talk will last, so here are some insightful, totally inconspicuous questions you can ask your posh sales dude to distract him while the illegal poisonous compound works its magic.
a) Just how many shades of black does Lamborghini offer anyway?
b) How’s that nose of yours feeling?
c) Are you a weak clotter?
d) Do you currently take aspirin, Advil, Motrin, Nuprin, or Aleve?
e) Has it been nineteen minutes since you drank that espresso?
10. Secure Your Test Drive
When that timer finally beeps, shout, “FINE! I’LL TAKE A TEST DRIVE.”
Then look over at the posh salesman’s manager and shrug, like “Where did you find this guy?”
The salesman won’t want his manager to think he’s about to blow a deal with such a successful, high-net-worth dude, so he’ll agree to give you the test drive immediately.
Once he does, you’ll have just enough time to give him your license and get through all the BS paperwork before the sales dude’s nostrils start to erupt like a blood volcano.
Driver’s License Distraction Bonus Content
At this stage there’s one other issue that’s almost impossible to avoid: your driver’s license, and the fact that it very clearly states your address.
For me, that’s 1 Rich Guy Street, Command Center Island, The Universe.II
Not a problem at a Lambo dealership.
For you, it’s 86 Dumbass Lane, Shithole, USA.
Definitely a problem at a Lambo dealership.
Also, you probably still own the same Velcro Incredible Hulk wallet you’ve had since middle school. I mean, I think it’s cool—but they might not.
So here’s what you’re gonna do.
Before you leave for the dealership, I want you to get out your Monopoly board game. That’s the one that’s shoved in the bottom of your closet with all the corners taped up, buried beneath Candy Land, Connect 4, Life, and Operation with the funny bone missing.
Take all those pink, orange, and blue Monopoly tens, fifties, and hundreds and stuff them in that Velcro Incredible Hulk wallet. I mean, just cram ’em in there. Pack it so it looks like the Hulk is about to bust out with all that cash, all right?
Then, when the snobby salesman asks for your driver’s license, pull out that wallet, rip open that Velcro,
