BOOM! The thunder!
BOOM! The lightning!
BOOM! The energy!
Then you drive to the 7-Eleven for Zima and beef jerky and instead arrive at the tippity-top of Mount Olympus for manna and ambrosia.
Now, don’t come to me being like, “Oh, but, Doc, I’ve driven a Porsche before!” Or a Ferrari! Or a Jaguar or an Aston Martin or any kind of super-duper speedy-speedster you think might be kinda the same thing as a Lamborghini.
NO! IT’S NOT.
You can take your Porsche, all right, and you can put it on top of your Ferrari, and you can put that inside your Jaguar and wrap all that in your Aston Martin like some kind of crazy sports-car turducken—and it still wouldn’t be half the automobile the Lamborghini is. They’re just not on the same level of spiritual ecstasy.
But here’s what I’m gonna do, because I like you—or at least, I pity you.
I’m gonna help you experience the might, the majesty, the magnificence of driving a Lambo all by yourself for once in your sorry, flabby, pear-shaped life.
You’re not even gonna have to buy one. You’re just gonna have to pretend to.
All you gotta do is follow every last one of these diabolical, devious, extremely well-researched steps:
1. Find an Authorized Lamborghini Dealer
This dealer should be close enough to you so your shitty 1973 AMC Gremlin can make it there without, like, exploding, but not so close that anyone who works there will know you or have legal jurisdiction over crimes you may or may not commit—so, you know, cross the Hazzard County line!
2. Buy a Reliable Stopwatch
I recommend an advanced prototype Timex T7G51002 for extra reliability. It should cost you about $3.99 at Walmart.
3. Formulate an Illegal Poisonous Compound Using Common Household Ingredients [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]
Fuck. What is this? All I wanted to do was type [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—SHIT!
All right, guys, I had a feeling this might happen.
Because I’m both a killer assassin and a doctor—I won’t tell you of what, not yet—I know how to make a certain illegal poisonous compound that induces rapid excessive nosebleeds.
It’s critical to my plan, and it’s actually pretty simple to make.
But Nigel the Editor and the suits at the publishing house won’t let me—ME—write down the key ingredient, [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]. Some garbage about liability and we’ll all go to jail for five hundred years blah blah blabbity blah blah.
So listen.
Go to the dark web, and look up common household ingredients that cause rapid excessive nosebleeds, all right? You’ll see [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted] listed right there. You all have it. Trust me.
Once you have the [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—shit, so annoying—just take [Redacted X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—come on, seriously?—and use a mortar and pestle to grind them up into a very fine [Redacted][redacted]—bro, are you kidding?—then mix that with [X X X][redacted] milliliters of [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]—DUDE, IT’S [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted]!! YOU CAN GET IT FROM YOUR LOCAL FUCKING [Redacted X X X X X][redacted]!—and then put [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted] in [X X X][redacted] small [Redacted X X X X X X][redacted] [Redacted X X X X X X X X X X X X][redacted].
MOTHERF[X X X]!!!
Whatever. Dark web, nosebleeds. You get it.
4. Makeover Time
Lamborghini dealers are obviously classy, posh dudes who are used to dealing with high-net-worth clientele. So if you wanna drive a Lambo, you gotta look like a guy who drives a Lambo.
Bonus tip: the more you look like a guy who drives a Lambo, the more you’ll feel like a guy who drives a Lambo. In other words, a winner.
a) Take a shower. If I know you, and I think I do, you need one bad.
b) Do all the grooming tips from chapter 4. I mean all of them: Pert Plus, SLICK, BY DOC body spray, mullet, ’stache, the whole deal. Those last two might take a while to grow in. That’s cool, I’ll wait.
c) Get dressed. You wanna dress in a way that shows you’re not only rich enough to buy sweet clothes, you’re so damn rich you don’t have to. I find that a skintight black T-shirt with a solid-gold-plated medallion around my neck generally impresses people. And if it happens to be a warm day, go ahead and put on those cut-off black jean shorts. Nothing cooler than showing off a pair of well-oiled, nicely tanned calves.
d) Get swole. Look, who are we kidding? You’re a chubby slob. That’s not gonna change overnight. But we can at least tone a little, right? I want twenty squats now. NOW! Come on, target those glutes, baby! Target those glutes! Now give me twenty push-ups, fifty crunches, thirty pull-ups—WITH PERFECT FORM—and thirty RDLs, and run five miles for the hell of it. What, you’re complaining? Shit, I do this ten times as my warm-up. Not even my warm-up for working out. My warm-up for having lunch. BUCK UP!I
e) Repeat steps a through c. Because now you’re all sweaty and you stink. We can’t have you go to the Lambo dealer like that.
5. Drive to the Lamborghini Dealer
Park your ’73 AMC Gremlin at least four blocks away so no one can tell it’s your car. Bonus points if you park right under a bird’s nest so your car gets covered in shit, because that’s hilarious.
If the posh, snooty dealer asks you where your ride is, be like, “My chauffeur dropped me
