She called Lyra and then Dan and then hit the road. She drove for hours, found the coast, and headed south. There was water, wind, and sand and a fist around her heart. It was squeezing the life out of her. She’d done it to herself when she’d told him she couldn’t stay with him—trust him. She’d become vulnerable only after she’d acknowledged she loved her husband, became engulfed in devotion and all the joy that came from it. She’d pictured something terrible coming out of it, the heartache, disappointment, despair. She didn’t want to be blindsided by hurt, and the only way to avoid that was to control the outcome. She had to get off the the merry-go-round she’d been on, leave behind the sweet music, the soothing motion, the intoxicating company. She’d done what she had to do. So why was she so miserable?
She spent the night in a bed-and-breakfast, crying, grieving, but like Humpty Dumpty, she couldn’t seem to put herself together again. The following day, she sat on an isolated stretch of beach, the clouds overhead blocking any sun. It seemed the universe was handing her another sign. There’d be no warmth, no light, no brilliance while she was here. She moved on but was still unable to find what she was looking for. By Wednesday morning the only thing that had changed was her direction. She was going back. No matter how far she’d run, she couldn’t outdistance her feelings for him. Instead of healing, she’d found more loneliness, the need for who he was a driving force propelling her back into the undertow.
She’d auditioned tragedy before acting it out. The rehearsal hadn’t hurt so deeply.
On the way back, her Blue tooth signaled a call from Casey.
“Where the hell are you? And what are you doing?”
“I just needed some time to think.”
“Mateo’s a zombie. Struck out three times yesterday, missed a double play that he should have nailed. Why the hell did you break up with him?”
She rubbed her temple, the headache she’d woken up with still pounding.
“We’re married or did you forget. It’s not quite that simple.”
“If you’re done with him—”
“Don’t.”
She brushed the damn tears that refused to stop collecting, away. She knew Casey would never do that to her, but Mac’s words were ringing in her ears.
“You’re running away. Don’t you find it ironic that I’m the one who’s finally facing my fear and you’re the one denying you even have one?”
“I’m not denying anything. Wish I could. It might save me some pain.”
“He came over last night. Spent a couple of hours with us. He’s hurting, Allie.”
“He met Charlie? You trust him with that?”
“Yes. He’s a man of his word.”
She knew Casey’s secret would be safe with Mateo. He was a man of his word. And if she could trust that, she should be able to trust that he meant what he’d said about being faithful.
If that were true, what the fuck was she doing?
Her inner voice insisted, Protecting yourself.
She told it to shut up. What she was doing was screwing up her life.
Her voice quivered when she admitted, “He told me he loved me.”
“Fuck Allie, we both knew that. Why did it come as a surprise?”
“He put it out there and I…” She gasped aware of the implication. “I did what I was afraid he’d do to me.”
“Rejected it?”
She hated how that sounded. She hadn’t rejected him. She’d rejected what he might do. Might. Was she still dwelling on what might never happen instead of what was? He was the most beautiful thing that had happened to her.
Know, mi esposa, that I will carry you in my heart always.
“How could I have done that to him?”
“Fear prompts us do some strange and sometimes damaging things.”
Casey sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Because she did.
Allie had spent wasted time trying to untangle the emotions that had knotted in her gut. She’d never get them out, not until she faced the one thing she knew for sure. She loved her husband and she wanted to be with him. Whatever the outcome.
“I’m on my way back. I’ll try to get back for the start of the game.”
So busy seeing the pitfalls, she’d stopped living in today. It was time to get back there. It was where he was, hopefully waiting for her to return to her senses. She needed to be grateful for what she had—a bond so strong it couldn’t be broken. Her heart knew it. Over the last twenty-four hours her brain had begun to see the light and was refusing to squander any more time.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Mateo had dressed for the game. He knew it was a big one, one that Allie had worried over. The team they were playing was their fiercest rival, and she wanted a win to show them—He just wished he could motivate himself… but without her, he’d lost his compass. He’d wanted to reach out, text her, call, thinking he hadn’t fought hard enough to keep her with him. He’d walked away so easily when what he’d wanted to do was force her to admit…what? That she loved him back? It was obvious she didn’t. Casey had tried to convince him otherwise. Said Allie’s fear was in equal proportion to her love. But he had a hard time believing it. How could fear outweigh love? The kind of devotion he had for her was bottomless.
He rubbed tired, gritty eyes. He hadn’t gotten much sleep since she left, so consumed with loneliness. The guys had tried to keep him busy, especially after his outing yesterday, but nothing had raised his spirits. Not even the fans who were loyal in the face of his disastrous double pump when he let the ball go too late to complete the double play, that he, Ovitz,
