I filled it up with less than holy water and screwed the lid back on to the newly replenished snow globe. As I made my way down the stairs, I glanced through the banister and saw Charlie taking a seat on my bed. My lips curled into a smile as I descended the rest of the stairs and shuffled towards the kitchen door. I shook the snow globe, checking that it worked and smiling as the glitter rose and fell in an equally tacky manner to the fake snow that now lay in the bottom of a bin on the other side of the Irish Sea.
Sitting down by the door, hidden in shadow, was Magnus. He trilled an affectionate mewling sound as I approached, barely audible above the familiar sounds of ‘When a Man Loves a Woman’ coming through the door. Magnus moved over to me, rubbing the length of his body against my ankles.
‘Hey there, fella,’ I said, bending down to pick him up with the hand that wasn’t holding the world’s most beautiful snow globe.
I turned my attention back to the door and pushed it with my foot, the music getting louder.
I stepped inside the room, my eyes widening as I saw the scene unfolding before me. I stood frozen. The two figures unaware that they were being watched for a few seconds too long.
The snow globe fell from my hand and, incredibly, managed not to smash as it bounced over the kitchen tiles. My newly free hand clapped over the eyes of the innocent little cat in my arms and I pulled him close to my chest to protect him from the horrors I was currently witness to. Ned turned his head in the direction of the sound of glass clattering against floor, his eyes going so wide that he looked like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. I opened my mouth and gasped as the other person turned to me, their face contracting at the horror of the situation. I inhaled deeply and let out a scream that echoed through the whole house. Frenzied footsteps sounded from upstairs and Charlie ran to my aid, but there was nothing he could do to solve this.
‘Oh God. Nelly, close your eyes!’ my mother screamed as she dismounted Ned first, then the table, and picked up her clothes from the kitchen floor.
‘I can’t! I can’t!’ I screamed. ‘I want to but I can’t!’ Oh God! So much flesh, so many slapping sounds that would haunt me all the way to a psychiatrist’s chair.
I almost heaved as I caught a full-frontal view of Ned’s erect penis before he managed to conceal it inside a pair of jogging bottoms. The music was still blaring, Michael’s gravelly voice singing on, regardless of the life-altering scene unfolding on the kitchen table.
‘Nelly.’ My mother held her hand to her forehead as she gathered her clothes to her naked chest with the other. ‘Oh God! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
‘We didn’t think you’d be back until much later,’ Ned chimed in, frantically pulling on his shirt.
Magnus meowed and wriggled free of my grasp, before doing exactly what I wanted to do and crawling underneath the kitchen counter. Was there room enough for me there too?
Mum moved over to me and laid a hand on my shoulder. I flinched and slapped it away with a shudder. ‘Don’t touch me, woman! I know where that hand’s been!’ I cried.
Charlie arrived at my side, just as my mother’s clothing failed to hide her modesty and a large pink nipple came into view.
‘Jesus, Ned! People eat here,’ he exclaimed.
‘Close your eyes!’ I quickly held up a hand and clamped it over his cornflower blues. I would not have him seeing my mother’s breasts before he’d even come close to seeing mine! ‘Mother, for the love of God, cover yourself.’
‘Wha— This is yer mother?’ He cleared his throat and held out his hand. ‘Nice t’meet yer, Mrs Coleman.’
She shook his hand awkwardly. ‘Call me Cassie. Please.’
I lifted my free hand, my other still clasped tightly over Charlie’s eyes, and slapped their hands until they fell apart. ‘Don’t touch that!’ I shouted at Charlie before I took him by the shoulders, quickly turned him around and walked us both into the living room.
When there were no longer any naked bodies of parental figures in view, I unclasped my hand from Charlie’s eyes and fell down onto the sofa, then I thought that the kitchen table might not have been the only surface that Ned desecrated our friendship on and abruptly stood, sitting down again on the floor beside the fireplace.
Charlie placed his hands on his hips and blew air through pursed lips. Nervous footsteps approached and a moment later Ned appeared in the doorway.
‘Err, Ned, for yer own safety, I think yer’d better leave her for now,’ Charlie said from by the window.
‘Sorry you had to see that,’ Ned said as he moved towards me. ‘Make her a cup of tea, will you?’ he said to Charlie. ‘Milk and one sugar.’
Charlie disappeared quickly and I hoped that my mother was fully clothed by now, lest he get a second flash of areola.
‘Tea won’t fix this,’ I said, cradling my head in my hands. ‘My mother, Ned. My mum!’
‘I know. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.’
‘Find out? How long has this been going on?’ I asked, looking up at his face, a light sheen of sweat coating his brow. He pressed his lips into a hard line. ‘Since when, Ned?’ He still didn’t answer.
‘Seven or eight times, over the last year. Ever since she came to stay with us after that work trip of hers and she stopped off
