‘Nell.’ He grinned, leaning in and planting a kiss worryingly close to my lips. He lingered there for a moment longer than was necessary and I felt a slight shudder run through me.
‘Thanks for coming. Sorry I called so late.’ I pulled away from him and sat down on the bench. Joel retook his seat and angled his knees towards me.
‘You know I’m a night owl, Nell,’ he said, placing his hand on my leg. I thought how different it felt to have Joel’s hand there, where Charlie’s had been less than half an hour earlier. ‘It’s nice to see that back on your finger.’ He said, taking my hand and moving the ring around with his thumb. ‘Back where it belongs.’
‘Joel.’ I slid my hand from his and braced myself for the words that needed saying, but how could I even start to say them? ‘I can—’
‘I still can’t believe you got on a plane. You must have been scared on the flight back, huh? How was it, flying alone?’
‘I … I didn’t fly alone. Charlie was with me.’
Joel frowned. ‘But I thought he went home.’
‘He did, but not for good,’ I replied, feeling stifled and overwhelmed. ‘We went to a funeral, that’s all.’
‘Nice.’ He scoffed. ‘That’s his idea of a date is it?’
The first semblance of anger formed in my stomach, jittering in the heat of my stomach acid like a corn kernel ready to pop. ‘It was more of a memorial really, for his wife.’
‘Christ!’ He sighed. ‘How long have you known about this?’
‘A while.’ I sighed. For so many years Joel had been my confidant and so I didn’t even think twice before telling him the truth about how Charlie and I met. I told him about the café, about the clock tower, about my phone call with him and his call with Ned two years earlier. It wasn’t until I’d finished that I wondered if I should have told him or not.
‘Wow,’ is all he could say. ‘No wonder you haven’t been around much recently.’
‘Listen.’ I quickly changed the subject back to what I’d come here to say. ‘I realised something tonight that I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t really thought about enough before.’
‘And what’s that?’ he asked, his tone and body language hopeful.
‘My whole life, I’ve settled for the time and attention that people felt like giving me. Mum coming back when she had free time, calling me when she felt like it. Popping in and out of my life whenever was convenient and the same can be said about when we were together.’
‘I’m not sure I understand,’ Joel replied, his brow deeply furrowed.
‘We never went anywhere, did anything. You never felt like going out so I just accepted that and stayed in with you.’
‘But we spent that time together, even if it was just in that shitty flat.’
‘No, we didn’t. You’d always be anywhere other than in the room with me. On your PlayStation with that stupid headset on or with your nose in your computer or phone. Paying attention to anything that wasn’t me.’ I took a breath and steadied myself before carrying on. ‘Being with you was like catching smoke in my hand. I thought I had you, but when I opened my fingers, you weren’t there. Tonight, I told my mum how much it has hurt over the years to think I had her, convincing myself that she was finally going to choose me and each and every time, watching her walk away. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing to you these past six months. I haven’t been fair to you.’
‘Hey, I wasn’t complaining.’ His eyes were strained, almost fearful.
I looked down at my hands and squeezed my eyes shut, the image of Charlie sitting at home in my bed falling into my brain and making my heart ache. ‘I understand now how much it hurts, to love someone and to know that they can’t love you back. So …’ I took his hand, turned it over, slipped the ring from my finger and placed it in his palm. ‘I need to give this back to you. Because we’re not going to be together forever and I think that by me finally letting you go, you’ll be able to find the right person for that ring.’
‘Nell, please. Don’t,’ he begged, his face contorting into one I didn’t recognise. ‘Please. I love you.’
‘I know,’ I said, on the verge of tears. ‘And I’ll always love you too, in a way. But not in the way you need me to love you.’
He looked down at the ring in his hand as if it were a death sentence, the black spot etched on his palm.
‘I’m sorry, Joel.’ I stood, feeling like I needed to leave before I changed my mind. Joel was not what I wanted, but he was easy, safe, familiar and right now, he was the life ring that I felt the need to lunge for. ‘I need to go now.’
He was quiet for a moment before a spiteful chuckle left his lips and he looked up at me from under his lashes. ‘You’re kidding yourself with this Charlie.’
‘No, I’m not,’ I said.
‘You love him?’ he asked, silent tears glistening on his cheeks under the glow of the street lamp.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘Yes.’
‘But he doesn’t love you?’ I felt his words land like kicks in my solar plexus.
‘It’s not that he doesn’t and more that he won’t allow himself to. He’s still grieving.’
‘Good,’ he said, his tone cruel as he spat the words. ‘I hope that he’s the love of your life and then I hope he breaks your heart on a park bench and tells you that it’s what’s best for you.’
Something had changed in his eyes. They’d turned cold, unrecognisable.
‘Goodbye, Joel,’ I said, turning away before he could see me cry.
I swallowed the sobs that were about to burst from my throat and walked under the glow of
