I walked into the kitchen to find Ned sitting in his dressing gown, sipping coffee without a sense of urgency. ‘Ned, why didn’t you wake me up? And what are you doing? Get dressed. We need to go in, like, five minutes.’
He looked up at me with pity in his eyes and jerked his head towards the counter. I turned to see one of Abi’s jars of sea glass sitting by the kettle with an envelope propped up against it.
My heart plummeted down into my stomach and my arms fell limply at my sides. ‘He’s already gone, hasn’t he?’
I placed the jar of sea glass on the bathroom windowsill and ran myself an almost scalding bath, tipping in half a bottle of the bubble bath I’d got for Christmas last year and making sure I was safely ensconced amongst the bubbles before I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside. It was short and to-the-point.
Nell,
I thought it would be easier if I just left and I didn’t subject you to a long drawn-out goodbye, but I couldn’t leave without saying this.
Thank you for giving me something to hope for, something to smile about. For a long time, it seemed like no one cared if I lived or died, until you. I don’t know what it is you’re planning on using this space and time for, but whatever it is, Nell, I know that, much like you, it’s going to be incredible.
I hope the time comes when everything falls into place for us, but for now I think I’m going to leave this one to the fates, seeing as they seem to know so much.
I’m not going to ask you to wait for me, or live your life around the possibility of whether we have a future together. Live your life for you.
Charlie.
P.S. I hope you don’t mind, but I took George with me. Don’t worry, it won’t be the last you see of him. But I couldn’t leave without taking something of you with me.
I folded up the note and let it float to the tiles, as I curled myself up inside the bubbles, wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to keep myself whole. It was clear to me now that the pain I’d been waiting for had finally come. It was nice to dream of a pretty future together where Charlie was whole again and we could be what I’d always wanted us to be, but that’s all it was: a dream. Charlie was gone and he’d taken my final scrap of hope with him.
Chapter Thirty
I wish I could say that I flourished in the weeks following Charlie’s return to Ireland. That I discovered that I didn’t miss him enough to wake up in a sombre mood or that I discovered I valued my freedom more than I valued him, but I didn’t. I’d had enough freedom in the last two years and I wanted nothing more now than for him to come back and rid me of this immobilising loneliness.
Charlie being gone made me feel like I was missing half of my head or one of my lungs.
I sat in my swivel chair at work, watching pink clouds drift across the sky when I heard my name being called.
‘Nell?’ Caleb, the tardy volunteer whose lateness that first night had caused me to be the one to pick up Charlie’s call.
‘Yeah!’ I called back to him, though I couldn’t see his face from here over the partition between us. All he was right now was a mop of curly black hair.
‘I’ve got Jackson.’
‘I’m open,’ I called back. ‘Send him over.’
The call appeared on my screen and I accepted it before the second ring.
‘Jackson, how’s it going?’ I asked, putting on a cheerfulness that I didn’t quite feel. ‘I haven’t heard from you in a while.’
‘I’m really good actually, Nell,’ he replied, his voice so upbeat that it shocked me a little.
‘Wow, that’s great to hear. What have you been getting up to?’
‘I, well, I …’ He chuckled joyfully. ‘I actually got myself a girlfriend.’
‘Jackson, that’s terrific!’ I said. ‘I’m so pleased for you.’
‘Thanks, thanks. Her name is Audrey and I met her at work. She’s a cyclist and we’re gonna do this charity bike ride to raise money for you.’
‘For me?’ I asked, confused.
‘Well, not you exactly, the phone line, the charity,’ he said, excitedly.
‘That’s great.’
‘Well, you’ve all been so good to me, no one more than you, and I know that it’s your job and I’m not a friend, but it felt like you were, when I needed to believe it the most.’
‘I am your friend, Jackson. Just because we’ve never actually met doesn’t change that.’
He chuckled again, emotionally this time. ‘If it’s okay, when we’ve raised the money, do you think I could drop it by the office? It’d be so good to put a face to the voice.’
‘We don’t usually accept walk-ins, but I think that if the rules had to be bent for anyone, it’d be you.’ There was a melancholy pause and I had to straighten myself in my chair and take a deep breath to pull myself together. ‘So, I guess this means that I won’t be hearing much of you from now on?’
‘I guess not. But I’m sure I’ll need to check back in every so often?’
‘I’d like that,’ I said, glad that I wasn’t the only one feeling this separation anxiety.
‘Well, ta-ra, Bab.’
‘Ta-ra, Jackson.’
Between calls I went into the staff room – i.e. a tiny cordoned-off cubicle with a kettle, a microwave and several itchy chairs – and clicked on the kettle. I was feeling a little lethargic and so I scooped three teaspoons of Kenco Gold into my old mug,
